Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Devil Wears Uggs

It must be the art director in me, but sometimes before I start writing a post I come up with an image first. For example, if I'm writing a post about summer I might think about a beach scene or a margarita, or if I'm writing about a particularly annoying parent at the school I might come up with an image of a snarling pitbull covered in flies and driving a minivan. Hey, you have your method for getting inspired and I have mine.

So when I started writing a post on online safety for this month's Yahoo Motherboard, I immediately started seeing images of sweaty guys in trenchcoats, or glassy-eyed dudes sitting in front of their computer screen eating nachos and slurping on a Bud Light. So much for going through pictures of my ex-boyfriends! But then something surprising happened -- once I started thinking of who really posed an immediate threat to my kids online, I came up with an entirely different visual altogether, and these villains were wearing cute boots and jumpers from Forever 21.

Because in my opinion, the more urgent threat, the one that I've already encountered with both of my girls, is the one that comes from the frenemy sitting behind them in algebra or the ex-best friend now going to a school on the other side of town who can't let go of a grudge. That's right, I'm talking girl-on-girl offenses, and not the kind you've seen on Showtime at 3am, either.

I'm not sure if you've heard, but tween and teen girls can be vicious. Not only mean, but conniving, clever, merciless and secretive. Oh, and possessed with stamina like you wouldn't believe -- I've seen Facebook fights go on for days at a time at a level that would leave hardened criminals begging to be un-friended. 

We've been lucky in that the most harassment our girls have had to endure has consisted of some name calling and a couple of online spats, but cyberbullying is on the rise and I'm keeping my eyes and ears open for any signs of trouble. I try to monitor their online contacts carefully, and spy on their Facebook pages regularly. This in itself is a painful experience -- you think you're raising them right and then come to find they've used valuable wall space to tag their friends on a Pokemon poster according to their 'traits.' And spelled 'huggable' wrong.

I'm not denying the dangers of the online world -- I know that predators are out there and that the possibility of strangers threatening my kids is real. But I think that the more tangible, immediate threat to my tween and teen daughters is probably not the pervert in Germany inviting them to a Skype underwear dance party, but is more likely the ex-bff who decides that she's going to start a rumor 'just for fun' or the friend who thinks that IM'ing their crush's name to the entire 7th grade is hi-larious.

And then there's the bigger threat -- I hear that hell hath no fury like the angry classmate who decides that she didn't like being tagged 'Hugable Pikachu.' There's no task force for that, and we should be afraid, very afraid.

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Daily Celebrity Dropping: Please God Don't Make Me Look At Jon Gosselin's Back Tattoo

Jon Gosselin, former star of 'Jon and Kate Plus Eight' has something new underneath his Ed Hardy -- a back tattoo. I don't want to post a photo here because I'm superstitious and I think it might make my computer screen shatter and bring me seven years of bad luck, but you can see it by clicking here.

I'll wait while you rub a little acid in your eyes to erase that image.

Stud muffin Gosselin reportedly got his latest ink at the urging of his new girlfriend. I felt compelled to write about it because a friend was telling me she has this thing where she can never resist a man with a tattoo, and I wanted to cure her of her hideous affliction.

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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Daily Celebrity Dropping: 'The Bachelor' Split Shocks No One Except For The Bachelor

Wow -- who saw this coming? Alleged hottie Jake Pavelka proposes to an ex-Hooters waitress on last season's 'The Bachelor' and now they've called off the engagement because she's - wait for it - cheating on him! Damn, and just as I was getting over the Liza Minelli / David Gest split.

Above mentioned waitress Vienna Girardi has reportedly hooked up with some actor named Gregory Michael, which got Jake's madras shorts all in a twist. But Vienna says that the real reason they broke up is that Jake refuses to have sex with her. I just wish these kids could get it together so I could stop worrying and get some sleep at night.

Jake is reportedly "shocked" about the whole split. Huh. 

In related news, this guy almost got his balls ripped off. See you tomorrow!

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Monday, June 21, 2010

Daily Celebrity Dropping: Miley Cyrus Needs Some Mothering

Look, I know with two daughters of my own I shouldn't be worrying about anyone else's kids. But my girls have spent at least a few hundred hours watching Miley Cyrus on TV and I kind of feel like she's been living in our house. In fact, sometimes I almost feel entitled to yell her name out when someone leaves the cap off the toothpaste or when the dishwasher needs to be emptied out.

So when I came across this picture of her at the MuchMusic Awards in Toronto on Sunday, I felt like I really needed to send her a few words of heartfelt, motherly advice.


Dear Miley,

Put some clothes on.

Love,
Mom
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Saturday, June 19, 2010

Something to do to avoid doing laundry

Sometimes when I get tired of doing chores I sit down at my computer and watch videos. I tell the kids I'm 'doing bills' or 'working,' and they fall for it everytime. Rigel's getting a little suspicious, though, and I'm going to have to come up with a better explanation for why there haven't been any clean towels for two weeks and why I told the girls that in some countries clean underwear was a privilege, not a right.

But sometimes doing the laundry would get in the way of finding things like this!

BP Spills Coffee



Hey, a girl needs her diversions. Also, it's not like I'm off at the yacht races or anything. 

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Thursday, June 17, 2010

Daily Celebrity Dropping: Top Five Reasons Oprah Should Hire Me

So, as I was quaffing down my fourth cup of coffee on an empty stomach this morning and perusing the latest internet news, I came upon this headline that almost made me cough up last night's dinner:

Oprah Gives 'O' Magazine Staffers $10k Each To Celebrate 10th Anniversary

The article goes on to say that she gave everyone an iPad, too. At this point I turned to my imaginary co-worker at my non-existent job and said, "That's it - I'm blowing this two-bit rug factory and going to work for Oprah." So Oprah, if you're reading, check out this list of reasons why you might want to put me on your payroll.

1) I'm a pretty decent writer. Don't let my lame blog postings, where I frequently misspell words and overuse commas, throw you. I'm so much better than that! Not to brag, but my writing has actually been hailed and received enthusiastically by a certain group of discerning readers. (I'm talking to you, Braten Street Elementary second-graders!)

2) You don't have to give me the $10k bonus. I would be more than happy with half that amount on the occasion of your 15th anniversary - I know the importance of showing gratitude. In fact, I once got a bonus that consisted of a Baskin-Robbins coupon and I was still thankful for my job. Although I did think the note on the back that said, "Here's what was left after we deducted all those pens you stole" was just plain mean.

3) I'm a model employee. If you're looking for someone hardworking, easygoing, positive and fun to work with, I'm your gal! I'll gladly send you references, but remember - don't believe everything you read. Obviously some people who are jealous of my talent like to use the words 'lazy' and 'pathological' very loosely.

4) I clean up nicely. I've seen all the photos of your staff in your magazine and the importance of attractiveness has not been lost on me. So rest assured that if I were ever called upon to represent the O brand in any public arenas, I would make sure to pay close attention to personal grooming. Even ones I find extraneous, like this 'teeth brushing' craze that everyone seems to be so obsessed with.

5) Last but not least, I love you Oprah! I love your show, I love your magazine, I even love all of those email newsletters that I get from Oprah.com that I don't remember signing up for (Yes, I checked that box, but I thought it was to enter that contest for the new car and year-supply of Swiffers.) Also, try not to let that little matter with the restraining order rankle you -- I'm really just a harmless, devoted fan.

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Monday, June 14, 2010

Daily Celebrity Dropping BREAKING NEWS: John Stamos Is Still Hot

I know, I'm a little behind with my Daily Celebrity Dropping. But that's the thing with celebrity droppings -- you never know how or where they'll come out. Just be happy when they do and then be ready to bend down with your paper towel and scoop them up.

Last week I was at the media premiere of World Of Color, Disney's new attraction at California Adventure. On my way out of the hotel to the red carpet event I came upon this beautiful sight:


That's right -- John Stamos was waiting to be escorted over in the same group I was assigned to. As far as I was concerned this was the premiere attraction of the day and I was prepared to cover it alright.

Aside from looking fine, can you believe this guy's career longevity? He had everyone pining over him back when he was in 'Full House,' and then almost twenty years later in 'ER.' Now Kira's all swooney over him from watching reruns of 'Full House' and Kiyomi's getting all hot and bothered that he's going to be appearing in 'Glee.' I have a feeling my grandkids will be lusting over him in some 2040 remake of 'Camp Rock.'

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Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Daily Celebrity Dropping: Lindsay Lohan Is Not Going To Jail. Wait, Yes She Is. Wait, No She Isn't.

Last month, after it was determined that Lindsay Lohan couldn't follow directions and had violated her parole, a judge ordered the actress to be fitted with an alcohol-monitoring device in order to avoid going to jail. The device went off on Sunday night while Lohan was attending an MTV Movie Awards party, a bench warrant was issued for her arrest, Lohan accused everyone of being lying liars and today she's a free woman What?

So, the first warning was just a warning warning, the kind of empty threat I give my kids when I tell them I'm going to sell them to the circus if they don't give me a pedicure? I need some lawyer-type person to break this all down for me. Because I'm thinking that if Lohan were a male, a minority and hadn't starred in 'Parent Trap' she'd be trading in her Prada for a hairnet and an orange jumpsuit. Or at least being sold to the circus.
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Monday, June 07, 2010

Our dismal future

If you've met Kiyomi you'd know that she has a slightly alarming obsession with money. Whether it's trying to score extra change from her family, or dreaming of the untold wealth she's going to accumulate in the future, the mighty dollar is never far from her mind. It's always disconcerting to hear an 11-year-old say, "You're going to be so sorry when I'm rich and famous," but we told her grandmother she was only joking.

Not surprisingly, she's chosen to pursue a career in entertainment. Can you blame her? With the images kids see around them these days they all think that they can be rolling in dough like Miley Cyrus or Paris Hilton. We're trying to be as supportive as we can, but the other day I gave her a lecture about the importance of doing quality work as opposed to just doing something for the money. She couldn't hear me because Jersey Shore was blaring away on the TV, but I think she got the message.

One of the ways her big-money plans have manifested itself is in the mansion she talks about building with her eventual fortune. At last count it had more than 60 rooms and boasted a game room, a bowling alley, a screening room, three pools and a kennel. She's always promised Rigel and I our own space in these future digs and although we always just chuckled and sighed at how "cute" this all sounded, I sometimes wonder if it's the only thing standing between us and a double-wide on a dusty lot.

And boy does she know it. Lately, if one of us reprimands her or she doesn't like how a particular situation is going, she'll narrow her eyes, lower her voice in mock disdain and say,

"Your room in my mansion? JUST GOT SMALLER."

At least we hope she's joking. After Rigel got on her case the other day about not cleaning the cat box I saw her furiously on her phone texting. I think she was talking to her architects, and I'm pretty sure I heard her mention the words 'broom closet.' We may have to raise her allowance.

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Daily Celebrity Dropping: Sandra Bullock Kissed A Girl And She Liked It...But Did We?

So, unless you've had your head buried in your Snuggie all day, you know that Sandra Bullock kissed Scarlett Johansson during last night's MTV Movie Awards. Personally, I think they could have come up with something more original to shock us with. Like maybe a shot of Russell Brand with his shirt buttoned.

And hasn't the girl-on-girl kiss jumped the shark? After Madonna and Britney, and Bullock and Meryl Streep, and Miley Cyrus and every dancer on her tour, who's next? Please don't go there, Betty White.

Besides, I think the bigger news was how great Sandra looked. I'll bet Jesse James was crying all over his Nazi stripper.
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Saturday, June 05, 2010

Daily Celebrity Dropping: I'm So Excited To Not See 'Marmaduke'

There are a lot of things that make me sad about my girls getting older, like not being able to carry them anymore and not being able to eat off their plate without getting my fork batted away. Oh and that thing where they pretend to know more than me makes me really want to cry sometime.

But just knowing that they won't be asking to see 'Marmaduke' makes me so happy I could almost agree to seeing 'The Backup Plan' with them someday. On DVD. After a couple of glasses of wine.

I haven't seen it yet, but just a glimpse of the trailer and the ads on TV make me long for the cinematic brilliance of 'Garfield, The Movie.'  I wish this trend of making movies out of comic strips would just go away. That said, I am kind of looking forward to 'Mary Worth' in 3D.
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Friday, June 04, 2010

Daily Celebrity Dropping: Justin Bieber Causes Poor Judgement in Elderly

Need proof that Justin Bieber is nothing but trouble? Here's a story about a 14-year-old fan who has been sleeping for days on the streets of midtown Manhattan in order to get a front-row seat for the teenybopper's appearance on the 'Today' show. 63-year-old Jeannine Walker helped granddaughter Bailey Hosterman and her friend set up camp outside the show's studios in Rockefeller Plaza so that the teens could be first in line.
I know, you're saying to yourself, "Awww, nice granny!" But then the story gets strange. And I get all judgmental.

Walker isn't participating in the campout -- she checked into a nearby hotel and left the girls on their own. "I'm too old to sleep on the cement with a poncho," grandma said. "I didn't worry...we text and they always have their phones on." 

Is it just me, or does it sound batshit crazy to leave two girls sleeping on the streets of New York alone? Okay, I'll stop wagging my finger now.
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[via nydailynews]

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Thursday, June 03, 2010

Daily Celebrity Dropping: Suri Cruise Has Her Own iPad and Other Injustices

The other day Kira asked me for $20 so she could go to the mall and buy some desperately-needed Lady Gaga paraphernalia. As I handed it over I thought to myself, "What kind of commercialized environment am I bringing my kids up in?" It made me sad that my girls felt that the path to happiness could only be found through an overpriced t-shirt from Hot Topic. I think a tear may have even fell into my four-dollar double cappuccino.

Then I read that Suri Cruise, daughter of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, has her very own iPad. Along with having a purported $3 million wardrobe and over a 100 pairs of shoes, it appears the four-year-old also has the much-coveted new Apple product. After I heard about this, I thought to myself, "What kind of deprived environment am I bringing my kids up in?" It made me sad to think that I couldn't afford to buy each of my girls a $500 media-consumption device. I started to cry harder into my six-dollar caramel macchiato.

I'm thinking of switching to decaf from McDonalds.
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Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Daily Celebrity Dropping: 'True Blood' Will Make Everything Okay

I've been laying awake at night wondering what I'm going to do now that Parenthood has ended for the season. I thought I was going to have to resort to reading a book or getting out of the house and interacting with humans, but now that I know that True Blood is coming back on June 13 I can breathe a sigh of relief.



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Please forgive me for this

I thought long and hard about posting this, but in the end I decided that a video of a tortoise having sex with a Croc was just too good not to share.

Especially entertaining are the sounds he makes (seriously, I had no idea tortoises made any noise) and the expression on its face. Also, I've never owned a pair of Crocs and now I don't think I ever will.



[via BoingBoing]

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Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Daily Celebrity Dropping: I Think Bradley Cooper Is Hot and So Does He

Remember the cute guy in high school who was always looking in his rear view mirror and smoothing his feathered bangs, adjusting the collar on his Members Only jacket and winking at himself? Bradley Cooper is in danger of turning into that dude, minus the bangs, jacket and the 1975 El Camino.

Don't get me wrong -- I've loved Bradley Cooper since I saw him in 'The Hangover.' Not many actors could make stealing a tiger from Mike Tyson seem like a good idea. And well, he's hot. But when he's quoted as saying things like this, it kind of takes the shine off that gleaming, cut chest of his. Sort of.

"I was like, 'This cannot be me – that's the way I look? It was so f-----g surreal, 'cause as a kid I only fantasized about looking that way. Remember Soloflex commercials? That was huge when I was a kid. It was like, 'I wanna be the Soloflex guy. Mom, can we get the Soloflex?' " Cooper, raving to Details magazine about when he first saw his pumped-up body onscreen for his role in 'The A-Team.'
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Hug a newspaper today

Like a lot of families, Rigel and I have had to find ways to cut our expenses during the past year. There were some necessities I absolutely wasn't willing to let go of, like my uncontrollable Starbucks habit or HBO -- I didn't see the point of going on if I couldn't have my double-cappuccinos and True Blood. But there were a few things I thought could be wiped from our budget, and after a lot of thought we decided we really could live without the daily delivery of Kobe beef and our live-in masseuse. We were sad to see Olaf go but he did get a nice severance package and a Tupperware full of ribeyes before he left.

One of the other luxuries we decided to cut back on was our subscription to The Los Angeles Times. Since we get most of our news online now, sometimes at the end of the week we'd just end up with a stack of unopened papers. But we weren't willing to give it up altogether, so we decided to still have the paper delivered on Thursday through Sunday. Also, I liked the illusion of being well-read that the paper sitting in our driveway gives us. Shallow, I know, but if the only time your neighbors saw you was when you were taking your kids school in your pajamas, a little culture PR could go a long way.

Besides helping to impress our neighbors, the Times is also where I can find one of my favorite columnists, Chris Erskine. His 'Man Of The House' feature is really one of the only reasons I get out of bed on Saturday, and without it Rigel would have to go back to leaving a trail of bacon pieces leading out of the bedroom.

And sure I could always read it online, but then I'd miss the pleasure of sitting down with a cup of coffee and paper in hand to read things like this:

I have never seen so many sober moms in one place as at the end-of-the-year school carnival the other day — a frightening and unexpected sight. Usually, to assemble a gaggle of women of this caliber, you need to be serving adult drinks. Some of these women haven't had a beverage in years that didn't have a salted rim. Others wear wine on their lips like Chanel. When you kiss them hello, it's like kissing Tuscany full on the mouth. Bottoms up. Yum.

Listen, I'm not being judgmental, for the warmer months are upon us, and doctors say it's important to keep your fluids up. 
That even made my Tuesday much better.

But there are other reasons for hanging on to our subscription, like being able to see my niece's byline in this magazine every week. Also, with many saying that newspapers wll be all but gone in the near future, I like to think I'm doing my small part to keep them alive -- I hate the thought of my future grandchildren not being able to wake up to a newspaper waiting for them on the front step.  And that right there is almost worth giving up my daily steak and backrub.
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