Thursday, July 24, 2014

Kill It: A Love Story

This story is 100% true*.

Last night our cat Milkshake started freaking out, doing this thing where he starts dashing around and leaping at air because he senses danger. To my horror I realized it was this: a humongous beast had appeared in one of the innocent decorations left over from Kiyomi's Sweet 16 party.

*Scale slightly exaggerated for artistic purposes
It was 3:30 in the morning.

First I got out a pair of binoculars so I could get a closer look. Because isn't that what binoculars are for? We aren't bird watchers so I don't know what they would be doing in our house otherwise.

*Size and facial expression slightly exaggerated for artistic purposes
It was more dire than I thought. It was huge, ugly and worst of all it was CRAWLING AROUND AND SHIT. I just knew it was planning to attack me and my family with its hairy arms and ugly feet.

I didn't know what to do. I considered lifting Milkshake up and letting him get at this asshole and eat him whole. After all, isn't that what he wanted? But then I couldn't figure out how to do it, because that would mean getting pretty close to this savage creature. Should I build a tower of pillows? Get a ladder? Do cats know how to climb ladders?

I decided I only had one choice.

No, it wasn't this.

I had to wake up my sleeping husband.

Sure he had to get up in a few short hours for work, but it was technically July 24, our 21st wedding anniversary. Wasn't there something in our vows about always being available to smash bugs and flush them down the toilet? There should be.

Me: There's a humongous creature in the living room! I can see his teeth.

Rigel: Well, of course this means you have to wake up your husband at 3:30 in the morning.

And with that, he got out of bed, made a few jokes and calmly grabbed a fly-swatter and knocked the predator out of his attack perch. He didn't even get angry when I was yelling, "It's still moving. KILL IT KILL IT," the entire time he went to fetch a paper towel.

One gets philosophical at 4am when your husband of 21 years saves your life, and at that moment I realized there was one piece of advice I wanted to give to my daughters about choosing the love of your life:

Find someone who is always happy to be there at 3:30am to kill the bugs.

Happy Anniversary Rigel! Thank you for slaying all the beasts for 21 years.


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