Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen, the future President of the United States

So Kiyomi graduated from elementary school in June and I didn't write about it here although I've had every intention of doing so. Like so many things, I mean well, but can never find the time. Just like that bag of dry cleaning I've been meaning to take in forever, although someone pointed out that by the time I do all the clothes in there will be totally outdated. But I told them, who are you kidding - shoulder pads and rainbow suspenders will never go out of style.

Where was I?

Oh yes - Kiyomi graduated!

We are so very proud of our Kiyomi. Along with being just generally awesome and original (who else would name a mass of tangles in their hair 'Bob' and then hold a small, reverent ceremony for 'him' when we had to cut the unruly mass out with a pair of scissors?) she graduated with honors, at the top of her class and received a pin and a letter from President Barack Obama. This caused a bit of a conflict in our household - Kira also received one when she graduated from elementary school two years ago, but hers was signed by then-president George W Bush, a fact she wasn't happy about. As you can imagine Kiyomi wasted no time in pointing out how hers was signed by the 'better' president. And who can argue with that? Also, If you'll remember, Kiyomi has a beef with Dubya that goes way back and she didn't mince words in this letter she wrote him in second grade:

Dear George bush,

Hello! I am Kiyomi and my favorite color is magenta. Here is a sugjestun (sic) for you: Go to another country! Don't you say no to that sugjestun!

Now that I told you that, I will tell you more about me. I have a nice teacher I mean terrific teacher. I love art and manga. Now that I told you some stuff about me you can go along and ruin some other state.

your destroyer,


Congratulations Kiyomi! We love you to pieces. Now, go change the world.

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Monday, July 13, 2009

This is what I did last month, besides fill out forms

Last month is a blur, mainly because it seems like I spent the entire thirty days hunched over my desk, my writing hand turning into a cramped mass as I filled out form after form after form for things like summer camp, end of school activities and registration for Kiyomi to enter middle school. I would come to bed at night and Rigel would say, “What’s that smell?” and I would have to tell him it was a combination of ball point pen ink and cheap copier paper. To top it off, after delivering a packet of nineteen forms (I kid you not) to Kiyomi’s middle school I was informed a few days later that they had lost them. They finally did locate them after a couple of days, but only because I made a few hysterical phone calls to the main office and then showed up in person to show them my bloody hand that was still wrapped around my pen.

But more on that later - last month I also interviewed Kim Kardashian and Molly Sims for Genlux magazine! That was way more fun than filling out forms! Especially the part where Kim talked about O.J. Simpson, which was both fascinating and chilling. And Molly was fun, because she gave me the secret to her awesome hair and she didn't require me to fill out any tiny boxes with my name, address and emergency numbers. Luckily, by the time I had to type up the interviews I had regained most of the feeling in my right hand.

The issue is out on the newsstands and available at Barnes and Noble, but you can also see the photos and read the articles here and here.

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Thursday, July 09, 2009

If you saw this thing you wouldn't be laughing

Last week as the girls and I were getting ready to leave for an errand, I was attacked by a wasp. For those of you who think I'm exaggerating (and I've been known to on occasion) let me just say I'm not embellishing in the least here, this thing was as big as my palm and its head was the size of a marble. I could see its hairy legs kicking around, and I swear as it came at me it hissed, "Get ready to die." I think it may have even been carrying a teeny knapsack filled with tools.

The girls were already in the car and I was locking the front door when the brazen attack on my life occurred. I think I shouted out a few obscenities as the bird-sized creature flew towards me intending to kill me, ran in a serpentine pattern to confuse it and leaped into the van just in the nick of time. It's all a blur, but I think I remember having to pry its claws off my back. The girls were plugged into their iPods and examining their fingernails, but I do remember them glancing up momentarily to show they cared. Actually, I think they may have only looked up because they were hoping I hadn't dropped my purse in the melee, which would mean they wouldn't be able to have their daily tall-mocha-frappuccino.

Even worse, we could see from the car that the wasp was building a mud nest right near our door. It was pretty ominous, and not wanting to put my children's lives in danger, I called Rigel and informed hm that we wouldn't be returning to the house until after he had gotten home from work, sprayed the nest and wrestled the cat-sized wasp to the ground. Sure that might not be until 9pm, but I was willing to wait it out as long as it took for the situation to be made safe. For the children.

And wait we did, for an hour or so at Starbucks. We finally got the 'all clear' call from Rigel signaling that he had used every toxic chemical available to annihilate the beast, and the nest had been demolished using a combination of heavy machinery and an ancient Mayan chant known to dispel evil. You can't be too careful with these things.

During the whole ordeal, Kiyomi kept ribbing me, apparently amused by the fact that I had run from what she called a "teeny tiny thing." (For the record, she was afraid to get out of the car as well. Not that I'm ratting out my kid in order to make myself look less ridiculous or anything.) Then she asked me what I would have done if we had gotten home before Rigel and the wasp had gotten into the house, and without hesitating I said, "I'd call 911." I was joking of course, since everyone knows you don't need an emergency crew to show up to kill a wasp - that's what husbands are for.

Besides, I just found this video, that shows what happens when you make frivolous calls for help. This woman dialed 911 three times because some of her cows had gotten loose. She tells the emergency operator:

Yes, this is a damn emergency. I got seven fucking cows out loose!

The woman was eventually issued a citation for misusing the emergency call system, and rightly so. I mean, it's not like she was being attacked by a wasp or anything.

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