My Summer Camp: Bring a sponge

I spent a recent afternoon searching out new and exciting things for my girls to do this summer, something to supplement their music and drama camps. And the options for teens are endless – how are they going to choose between the LMAO Facebook Status Update workshop and the Cute Boy symposium? That's a full day right there.

So I decided to take a break and have some lunch, and this is what I found when I went to grab a plate from the cabinet:

This is what happens when you ask your daughters to unload the dishwasher, and they're in such a rush to watch Gossip Girl they forgot that the dishes can actually be lifted up and stacked properly

Which confirms my suspicion that this is the most useless toy ever invented and taught them absolutely nothing:

So then I started thinking that what my girls need this summer are not more expensive camps. Do they really need to learn the bass-line to Poker Face, or take a two-hundred dollar workshop where they learn how to act like a lemur or cry on cue? No, what they need are some good hard lessons in practical things, things that will maybe enable them to leave the house and live on their own sometime before they turn forty. 

What they need is Chore Camp.

I love my girls. They're smart, funny, respectful and talented. But they'll be the first to tell you that things like dish washing and cleaning are hardly activities they excel in. Not to scare anyone that comes to eat at our house, but please check your plate for dried chunks of food first. And I don't think they even know how to work the washing machine - I may have even heard one of them refer to it as 'The Big White Thing That Cleans Pants."

So I've decided to start my own camp with a curriculum that puts some serious time into honing their housekeeping abilities. They may not speak to me for the next five years, but I'm sure they'll thank me later. Here are a few courses I'm offering:

Dish Stacking: Large to Small, A Brilliant Concept

Dish Washing: No, There Is No China Pattern Called 'Dried Salsa'

Closet Management: Hangers Are Your Friend

Toilet Cleaning: Someone Has To Do It

Laundry 101: Your Leggings From Hot Topic Aren't Going To Wash Themselves

Hurry and sign up – I have a feeling they'll fill up fast.

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I'm recycling for Earth Day

What better way to celebrate Earth Day than by recycling? And by that I mean recycling an old post from 2010. Hey, I'm conserving electricity, keystrokes, and the delicate skin covering my fingertips. 

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My Earth Day FAIL. Or is it?

Happy Earth Day! I was hoping to write a post today about how I was honoring our planet on this special day. Maybe I'd be writing this on a laptop powered by solar panels while wearing a pair of hemp jeans and sipping on a smoothie made from sustainable crops. Or sending you reports from a city beach somewhere, where I was picking up soda cans and cigarette butts with my kids and filling their impressionable young minds with love paeans to mother earth.

Well -- didn't happen.

Instead, I'm having a decidedly un-earth day, because I'm in a bit of a frenzy right now. The kids are home early because of a fair and open house at the school tonight, they have friends over whose parents couldn't pick them up, and I'm frantically trying to prepare for Kira's 14th birthday party here on Saturday. So in other words there aren't any Earth Day sonnets being written and I think I actually walked by a couple of soda cans laying on the ground. In my driveway.

But you know what? Because all the women's magazines tell me to be good to ME, I'm going to go easy on myself and find the ways I did honor the earth. Today wasn't a total bust - here are some ways I found my Earth Day moments by turning lemons into lemonade. Or should I say 'juice made from organic locally grown citrus.'

1) I've been cleaning the house today in preparation for around two dozen 14-year-olds descending on my house this weekend, and every single light in the place is on. Even the waffle iron light is on which is weird because I haven't made waffles since 2001. Earth Day moment: I didn't use the vacuum cleaner! So what if I used enough electricity today to power the entire state of Wyoming -- all the microorganisms who call my couch their home will live to see another day.

2) I had the dishwasher and the washing machine on simultaneously. While I was rinsing off the sidewalk. And hosing off the cat. Earth Day moment: I didn't shower today. So what if I used enough water to supply the entire state of Utah -- all the microorganisms who call my navel their home will live to see another day.

3) In honor of Earth Day I could have walked the four blocks to the school to pick the kids up, but since they had their friends coming over and I needed to pick up lunch, I drove my van. Oh, and the other reason -- I hate to walk. Earth Day moment: At least I don't drive a Hummer.

4) Oh, and that lunch? Because of time restraints I regret to admit that it was McDonalds. Seeing as their burgers are made from extinct rain-forest toads and pandas, probably not a good Earth Day choice. Earth Day moment: We recycled all the wrappings! Even the cardboard drink tray, which I turned into a chandelier. You'll just have to believe me.

5) Getting back to that cleaning, instead of using natural cleaners made from vinegar and puppy sweat, I used all manner of toxic chemicals ranging from bleach to industrial-strength etching acid. You would too if you saw my bathtub. Earth Day moment: I used sponges instead of wasting paper towels. Okay they were endangered sponges from The Great Barrier Reef. Nobody's perfect.

But all in all it was a good day, and I'm about to drop all the kids back at school and I'll have a few minutes to myself before I have to head back for open house. I think I'll have a glass of wine during my little break. Organic wine. Enough to help me write that sonnet.

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My Earth Day FAIL. Or is it?

Happy Earth Day! I was hoping to write a post today about how I was honoring our planet on this special day. Maybe I'd be writing this on a laptop powered by solar panels while wearing a pair of hemp jeans and sipping on a smoothie made from sustainable crops. Or sending you reports from a city beach somewhere, where I was picking up soda cans and cigarette butts with my kids and filling their impressionable young minds with love paeans to mother earth.

Well -- didn't happen.

Instead, I'm having a decidedly un-earth day, because I'm in a bit of a frenzy right now. The kids are home early because of a fair and open house at the school tonight, they have friends over whose parents couldn't pick them up, and I'm frantically trying to prepare for Kira's 14th birthday party here on Saturday. So in other words there aren't any Earth Day sonnets being written and I think I actually walked by a couple of soda cans laying on the ground. In my driveway.

But you know what? Because all the women's magazines tell me to be good to ME, I'm going to go easy on myself and find the ways I did honor the earth. Today wasn't a total bust - here are some ways I found my Earth Day moments by turning lemons into lemonade. Or should I say 'juice made from organic locally grown citrus.'

1) I've been cleaning the house today in preparation for around two dozen 14-year-olds descending on my house this weekend, and every single light in the place is on. Even the waffle iron light is on which is weird because I haven't made waffles since 2001. Earth Day moment: I didn't use the vacuum cleaner! So what if I used enough electricity today to power the entire state of Wyoming -- all the microorganisms who call my couch their home will live to see another day.

2) I had the dishwasher and the washing machine on simultaneously. While I was rinsing off the sidewalk. And hosing off the cat. Earth Day moment: I didn't shower today. So what if I used enough water to supply the entire state of Utah -- all the microorganisms who call my navel their home will live to see another day.

3) In honor of Earth Day I could have walked the four blocks to the school to pick the kids up, but since they had their friends coming over and I needed to pick up lunch, I drove my van. Oh, and the other reason -- I hate to walk. Earth Day moment: At least I don't drive a Hummer.

4) Oh, and that lunch? Because of time restraints I regret to admit that it was McDonalds. Seeing as their burgers are made from extinct rain-forest toads and pandas, probably not a good Earth Day choice. Earth Day moment: We recycled all the wrappings! Even the cardboard drink tray, which I turned into a chandelier. You'll just have to believe me.

5) Getting back to that cleaning, instead of using natural cleaners made from vinegar and puppy sweat, I used all manner of toxic chemicals ranging from bleach to industrial-strength etching acid. You would too if you saw my bathtub. Earth Day moment: I used sponges instead of wasting paper towels. Okay they were endangered sponges from The Great Barrier Reef. Nobody's perfect.

But all in all it was a good day, and I'm about to drop all the kids back at school and I'll have a few minutes to myself before I have to head back for open house. I think I'll have a glass of wine during my little break. Organic wine. Enough to help me write that sonnet.

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tags: earth day | yahoo motherboard

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Geek Alert: My Five Favorite Gadgets

Disclaimer: Just to be upfront and abide by FTC guidelines for bloggers and all the free merchandise we're hoarding, I want to state that none of the products mentioned below were gifts, but were purchased by either me or Rigel with money originally earmarked for our children's college fund. Well, in the interest of full disclosure I should divulge that I bought the alarm clock with a few dollars I 'borrowed' from Kiyomi's piggy bank, because when you think about it how much cash does an 11-year-old need to keep on hand? Also, none of the companies mentioned have contacted me or exerted any influence over the content of this post, although if Apple wants to send me a new laptop I would gladly give the iPhone a couple more paragraphs, or tattoo their logo on my neck or rename my kids iPod and Mac.

1) iPhone - Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think they'd invent something that could make phone calls, retrieve my email, help me find my way around Disneyland and pick out a restaurant for lunch. Now Rigel is free to do other things, like help me look for my keys.

My favorites apps are Shazam, Tweetie, Flashlight, Recorder and Facebook. Like most iPhone users, I like to bore everyone to tears by showing them all the great features on my phone. Trust me - nothing brings a dinner party to a screeching halt like whipping out your iPhone and telling everyone you're going to use it to guess everyone's weight.

2) Garmin GPS - I never leave home without this. I've been known to get lost backing out of my driveway, so having a little box on my dashboard telling me to, "Exit right, then turn left," in a British accent is a dream come true. Actually, the dream come true would be if I was sitting in the back seat and someone with a British accent was driving me around, but that was an extra $49.95 a month.

But my favorite part about Garmin is how I can punch in 'STARBUCKS' and it leads me straight to my double-tall-nonfat-semi-dry-cappuccino. Before, Rigel and I would pull off the freeway in some unfamiliar town and then spend hours searching everywhere for our caffeine fix. Now when we go on road trips, instead of looking for coffee we can spend our time bickering like most normal couples do.

3) Canon Rebel - This is the first digital SLR I've owned, and not only does it take great pictures it makes me look like I know what I'm doing when I'm clicking that shutter. You may have even mistaken me for a real journalist at events, pushing my way to the front of the crowd yelling things like, "Media!" and "Over here, Octomom!" I really hate it when some know-it-all gets off by pointing out that I still have my lens cap on, though.

But with so many dials and buttons it's definitely trickier to use than my old point n' shoot. Someone suggested to me the other day that I should read the manual, and I was about to give them a piece of my mind but then they told me they were just joking.

4) Keurig Single-Cup Coffee Maker - I have to admit that part of my motivation for buying this was that it was one of the only coffee-making devices I didn't already own. With a drip coffee maker, an espresso machine, a French press and a couple of stove-top espresso pots to my name I guess I unwittingly became one of those crazy collecting people! Next thing you know I'll be wearing a big sweatshirt with 'I ♥ Java' appliqued on it and getting together with other coffee-maker-collectors over at the rec center on Friday nights.

We've stopped buying the individual pods, though, in favor of filling up the optional filter basket with coffee - not only were the pods expensive, but the thought of several landfills being overrun with millions of small, plastic cups with our names on it gave us pause. Now I can sleep at night knowing that my carbon footprint will consist of only several hundred thousand metric tons of used coffee grounds.

5) $6 Target Alarm Clock - I don't have an alarm clock so this unassuming appliance actually sits on Rigel's nightstand, but it's truly the most vital device in our home. Without it, no one would ever get anywhere on time because we all depend on Rigel to wake us all up in the morning, and it's this trusty alarm clock that wakes him up. Sure we could all stop being so lazy, get our own alarm clocks and get ourselves out of bed, but what fun would there be in that?

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tags: favorite gadgets | iphone | garmin gps | keurig coffee maker | canon rebel

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Decorating Tip, Courtesy of Office Depot

I don't know about you, but for me trying to re-decorate a room is an agonizing process. First there's trying to decide what color to paint it, and then what type of art to hang on the walls. And should all the walls be painted one color? How about some sort of nauseating checkerboard pattern? Or maybe I'll get all Martha Stewart and make everything the colors of springtime flowers that I've gathered at my house in Maine and then paint the ceiling a pleasing rose, the same color of the blush on my neighbor's granddaughter's cheeks.

Problem is I don't live in Maine, and my neighbor's granddaughter's cheeks are always smeared with a combination of YooHoo and grape jelly. So five months later the walls are still dirty white, and there's a poster of kittens stapled to the wall and a couple of Doonesbury cartoons taped to the light switch. I've picked up some paint swatches but those have gotten smooshed between a stack of Oprah magazines and a month-old sandwich. When people come to visit, I tell them we're "in the process of redecorating" but that only lasts for so long and pretty soon they're rolling their eyes and saying things like, "Oh right - redecorating" while using those obnoxious air quotes that make you want to punch them.

Then I came across this and was instantly inspired. This guy decorated his entire basement room with $10 worth of Sharpies. Who knew that the answer to my decorating dilemma could be found in the office supply store? I'm ditching Home Depot for Office Depot, where I can pick up my box of markers and shop for post-its and printer cartridges while I'm at it.

Like all good things, I'm sure the whole decorating-with-office-supplies thing will soon become the latest fad and be horribly commercialized. It won't be long before Martha comes out with her own line of room decorating markers complete with matching tableware and pillow shams, and expect to see an entire episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition where they surprise a family of 29 with a new home built entirely of push pins and manila envelopes.

You can see an amazing, 360° view of the room here.

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tags: room decorating ideas | take that martha stewart

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