Please Don't Call Us On Tuesday Nights Between Eight And Nine O'clock, And If You Do You'll Be Sorry

"Nadia's been voted off!" Now, normally this statement would mean absolutely nothing to me. I would stare blankly at the person delivering this news, my eyes begging for an explanation, and when they answered, "From 'American Idol'" I would snort contemptuously and make them kneel before me, admonishing them for wasting their time on moronic reality shows. Don't they know these shows signal the downfall of civilization, fodder for only the weakest of souls?

All that has changed. Now I've become a woman obsessed, bowing down at the alter of The Idol, praying for my favorites and damning the rest of them to Satan's dressing room. Wednesdays are spent scouring the entertainment sections of CNN and MSNBC, hoping for a glimpse of the previous night's voting results. Who was voted off? Oh, God, please don't let it be Vonzell!

My Idol Worship began a few weeks ago, and as with most transgressions, I like to blame it on my children. The girls came home from their friends’ house raving about having watched ‘American Idol’ and how they hoped I would find it in my fuddy duddy heart to let them watch it the following week. I gave in, not intending to watch it myself, but by the first ten minutes I was HOOKED, passing my judgment mercilessly on this band of overeager crooners. It’s just us girls watching, since Rigel has his tennis lesson on Tuesday nights, and that's a good thing since this is exactly the kind of show that makes him gag and make mocking comments throughout, thereby ruining it for the rest of us. STOP IT ALREADY. (I know I like to shout out “Live long and prosper” whenever you’re watching your sci-fi programs, but there isn’t a recording contract hanging in the balance in those shows, for God’s sake.)

Now I find myself forgoing baths on Tuesday nights, ordering take-out and stretching the girls' bedtime to 9:15 so that we can watch the show and still have time to vote, cause you know YOU HAVE TO VOTE IF YOU WANT YOUR IDOL TO WIN, as that annoying pixie Ryan Seacrest likes to point out. On that note, here are my unasked for opinions:

Scott: He should have been kicked off the show for beating up his girlfriend, and on top of that he can't sing. And if he does 'Smack My Bitch Up' for one of his selections I will bust into that party and personally kick his rotund ass.

Anwar: He sings pretty good for a middle-school teacher. And he looks pretty good for a middle-school teacher, too.

Constantine: He's got a good voice, but as Kira mentioned, "Stop looking at the camera already." We know you're in love with yourself so knock it off.

Carrie: She's so purdy! And so perky too! Y'all vote fo her, ya hear?

Anthony: He's so awful, there's got to be some sort of Russian Mafia phone-tampering thing going on for him to still be on the show. And anyone that incites Kiyomi to shake her fists and shout "I HATE YOU!" at the TV must be pretty bad.

Vonzelle: We think she should win! Yay! Vote for Vonzelle! If you don't, we will HURT you. (Hey, it's working for Anthony.)

Bo: He's a long haired, rockin' bad boy. And my girls like him. Alot. Enough reason to vote him off the show.

Archive File: Family | TV Drone

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