If You Run Into Me In The Next Couple Of Weeks, Don't Be Surprised If I Try To Taste Your Arm.

I've been meaning to post more details about our incredible vacation to Yosemite that we returned from last week, but before I do I need to write about the one thing that has been consuming me for the past week. The thing that has eclipsed blogging as my obsession, the thing that is driving me to thrice-weekly trips to the health food store, has me crying over Outback Steakhouse commercials and had me salivating over the can of Friskies Lamb and Rice that I fed to our cat last night.

Yes, I am on a diet.

Okay, according to this, my weight is within the 'normal' range, but the snug fit on my jeans and the roll of fat that lays next to me at night like a small pet rodent tell a different story. I'd been noticing that my clothes were feeling a little odd, lately, and my two-day, pre-menstrual bloat had turned into a permanent, second-trimester-pregnancy tummy. Also, I would be lying if I said that this woman's comments didn't spur me on in some small way, and when this hellish diet is over I look forward to our next supermarket encounter, when I plan to ram her with my cart, spin her emaciated body around over my head Kung-Fu Hustle style, and throw her clear across the store into the deli case.

Mostly what I'm trying to do is get my weight down to what I'm comfortable with, one that doesn't have me calling 911 to help me squeeze my ass into my pants or interrupting conversations with the sound of my thighs slapping together. And my prime goal? To be healthier, and to make better food choices. I know this is starting to sound like some overwrought infomercial, but trust me when I say that guidance is absolutely necessary for someone who routinely chooses the bacon-wrapped pork chop over the field-green salad and eschews the 'Healthy Heart' portion of any menu for the one labeled 'Fat Packer.'

The diet plan I'm following is the Duke University Rice Diet, which was originally developed to help people with hypertension and diabetes. The emphasis is on low salt, low fat, non-processed foods, with the first day of each week consisting of only whole grains and fruit, and the first two weeks of the diet being practically vegan. As I say the word 'vegan,' my voice drops to an embarrassed whisper, since normally I make a sport out of taunting and ridiculing my vegetarian and vegan friends, daring them to just lick the surface of my top-sirloin or threatening to blend some mashed up hot dog into their tempeh casserole. The idea that I can't have any meat for the next seven days (already having gone without for six) is definitely daunting, but I've been keeping my mind off it by covertly planning my coming out party for when this whole tortuous diet is over, the one where I barricade myself in the kitchen and roll around naked in every beef and pork product I can get my hands on and shovel big spoonfuls of salt into my mouth.

Along with feeling and looking better (I have more energy and my beard is not nearly as full) the downside is that subsisting on a diet normally reserved for gerbils has left me not only starving, but cranky as well. Who can blame me for snapping at the kids and withholding sex from my husband when all I've had to eat for dinner is a mound of lentils and a peach? And while the whole-wheat pita pizzas I whipped up last night were pretty tasty, my lunch today of brown rice and salt-free black beans made me want to beat the crap out of our elderly neighbor who, obviously trying to taunt me, was frying sausage near her open kitchen window.

We've all been on diets and know what works and what doesn't, but before you start telling me that the diet I'm on has been know to cause hair growth on your thumbs or is actually one followed by sumo wrestlers to increase the density of their blubber, remember that I'm already six days into it, and it's too late to turn back now. Also, consider this: I haven't had a steak for six whole days. I may just hunt you down, tear off one of your legs and throw it on the grill, just for a little treat to have with my organic bulgur pilaf and cabbage salad.

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