Friday, March 17, 2006

Fudge you? Why, Don't Mind If I Do.

I remember an English teacher I had in the tenth grade whose style of teaching was extremely old-fashioned. In fact, I was convinced she had time-traveled from another century, wandered onto our campus with it's fancy electricity and running water and was now absolutely perplexed as to what to do with these rapscallions she was in charge of educating. She spent a great deal of time just being exasperated by us, her high school students, and barely hid her disdain for our room full of miscreants. Hey look here! Rascally young people! No-good long-hairs, the lot of them! Have a seat, sonny, before I tan your hide!

The one thing that seemed to bother her the most was our foul language, in particular our use of the word fuck. And, while it was not a part of our everyday classroom vocabulary it was muttered enough during times of duress to cause her to explode one day, and ban the word from her classroom. From then on out, she scolded, if we had the urge to utter the profanity we could civilly substitute for it the word 'fudge.'

This proved to provide just the entertainment a bunch of smart-assed teenagers needed to get us through dreary days of Shakespearean soliloquies and group readings of The Scarlet Letter. Word games were fun, and we embraced it with all the gusto that a bunch of profanity-starved adolescents could muster. Soon we were moaning, "Oh, fudge!" upon hearing of an upcoming test, or using "Fudgin' hot" to describe the latest 'Kool and the Gang' album. And then there was the ever-popular, "That's fudged up! Fudge you, motherfudger."

Just a few weeks of these monkeyshines were enough to push her over the edge once again, and she proclaimed one day that the substitute had become just as notorious as the original, and we were now prohibited from using the word 'fudge.' This made us all giggle, and of course it was just too good an opportunity for some of us (not me, for once) to pass up. My memory is a little fuzzy on this, but I remember someone bringing up a visit to grandma's and baking up a nice batch of yummy fuck brownies. I feel bad about it now, but I recall hearing that the last anyone saw of that teacher she was running screaming from the campus, tearing up her credentials and cussing a blue streak.

I thought of that poor woman recently when I noticed that Kira and her friends were using the word 'frick' in their everyday, fourth-grade conversations. "Fricken homework" could be heard at the end of the school day and "What the frick?" greeted a lame 'American Idol' performance. As with many things our children do, it started out being unbelievably cute and amusing and then, after the hundredth time, quickly became downright annoying. Finally, the other day when she came home complaining she had to do a "Fricken report on a fricken disease" I put my foot down and told her it bothered me to hear her say ‘frick’ so often. She looked at me quizzically and asked, "Why? Is it a bad word?" "Well, no," I answered, "but I just don't think you should say it. No more saying 'frick!'"

As I was uttering those last words, my voice went up an octave and I could hear it coming out of my throat, sounding eerily like my tenth grade English teacher. It was mortifying, really, one of those moments that makes you feel so old, and it left me wondering, "Who the fudge am I turning into?"

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35 comments:

  1. haha ... this post cracked me up, as an 8th grade teacher. I just ignore it when I hear kids say it, or I raise an eyebrow and go "excuse me?" and they always stop, but now they do say "friggin" or "freakin" all the time and you're right, it's just substitute for fuck. The other one that's no longer a "bad" word is "crap." Yet they still ask me if they can use "damn" or "hell" in an essay they're writing.

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  2. We were forbidden to curse - and I didn't really ever do it until college - and seriously, I'm not sure how much better the fudge and frick are really...

    I'll have to think on this for when my daughter gets older...

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  3. what the frick are you talking about?! VBWAHHAHAHA..

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  4. I guess swear words are only what we make them. It still amazes me what kind of words get bleeped out of songs on the radio these days (and sometimes what doesn't).

    There's a Black Eyed Peas song that's called "Don't Phunk With My Heart" -- 'phunk' only sounding like a swear word -- and they had to record a radio version that's entitled "Don't Mess With My Heart." That is a bit ridiculous. Maybe you can suggest "Phunk" to the girls? Ha.

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  5. Loved this post! True story... I was not allowed to swear as a kid. Ever. One day, in the company of my Mom and a friend, I started to say "What the Hel...". To save myself I added a "k" to the end of hell, so I ended up saying "What the Hellll-k". For years after my Mom would say "helk" instead of hell and laugh. It was our little joke!

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  6. Good, blogger's working again today -- was on the fritz last night when I tried to comment.

    That post was fudgin' awesome! Brought back some fricken great memories.

    My mom would always use fake swear words when I was a kid -- frack, crud, and my favorite "son of a bird." It drove me nuts at the time. But I still will roll out the "son of a bird" around my kids once in a while.

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  7. LOL.

    You're turnin' into a frickin' mom, that's who! And I'm right behind you. ;)

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  8. I'm laughing so hard. Motherfudger.

    Best. Word. Ever.

    I'm going to start using it to replace it's naughtier counterpart.

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  9. At least you are not yet "dead to her"

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  10. I was having the same freaking problems as Nancy when trying to comment when I first read this. Sine then, she and others have done shared my sentiment... great, friggin' post, Marsha.

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  11. I wonder which is worse - opening your mouth and hearing your English teacher, or opening your mouth and hearing your mother.

    To answer your question: You are turning into a great mom who knows that there is a difference between a fourth grader and a tenth grader.

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  12. GA-FAWING!! What a great, funny post!

    Just this morning my TWO-YEAR-OLD daughter demonstrated her knack for mommy-vernacular. She was trying to zip closed the door to her princess tent and was heard to say, "DAMMIT!"

    My 5-year-old son, without missing a beat said, "Don't say that word...that's grown-up talk!"

    (Apparently, I have used the "don't ever say that word at preschool, its a grown-up word" explanation waaaayyyyy to much!!)

    I love your blog...I hope you don't mind if I add you to my blogroll.

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  13. My mother took a different approach to cussing. She really didn't care if we cussed at home, with only us there, but oh my Lord the consequences if you ever let one loose in mixed company.

    I suppose it taught us when it's ok to cuss and when it isn't, but I still have never let my kids say 'crap' or even 'that sucks'. I, on the other hand am a hypocritical potty mouth of the highest order. Fudgin' A!

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  14. Ha ha ha. This brought back memories, because we were ordered to say 'darn' instead of 'damn' and 'shoot' instead of 'shit.' Which is funny because those are part of everyday language now!

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  15. Well I'll be a son of a biscuit eater!. That was a good post.

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  16. Excellent. Personally, I LOVE to swear. Love, love, love it. I find it SO gratifying. If I stub my toe, "Gee Whillikers" isn't going to do the trick. Of course, this may be due to the fact that during 8 years of Catholic grade school, "crap" was considered blasphemous, and I once got called to the principal's (nun, of course) office for saying "Hell" in front of a bunch of fourth graders. Imagine my surprise when I went to public high school and "hell" wasn't even on the profanity radar!

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  17. i shudder to think the permanent damage i caused to the young boy i was sitting next to in (Latin!) Mass one day. having been raised in a barn, i.e. not in any church, let alone Catholic, i was waiting in the pews, because there had been a scheduling mix-up with my friend's son's baptism. frustrated by the time it was taking for them to sort out the start time, i turned to my husband and whispered "JC! when is this d@mned thing going to be over with!?!" the little kid next to me (7 maybe?) looked at me with saucer eyes, audibly gasped, jumped up, and actually ran away. i think he had just made it to the end of the pew when the lightning struck...

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  18. That was a beautiful post. It reminded me of how my 8th grade CCD class actually drove our ancient nun/teacher insane. Literally. We were evil little demons.

    Kool and the Gang: fudgin' hot! LOL!!!

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  19. I adore swearing. It is so hard right now becasue We're trying to not swear so my kids won't start doing it. So instead of swearing I just make up fake cuss words. And then the kids say that instead. Which is okay. You know your daughter will come home with a new version in a day or two.

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  20. fudgin' hilarious! i know what you mean about "frick." I use it all the time myself, and it only feels a hair shy of saying "fuck" really.

    first time at your blog, but i am already a fan (and big lover of the sweat-outfit genre in general).

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  21. Phuck is my favorite swear word but I usually only say it in my head. (I can't even write it without feeling guilty). My mom wouldn't even say fudge. The worst we got was, "oh my WORD!"

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  22. "It's FreSh frEsHhh ... exciting ... ProfAniTies are so exciiiting to me."
    (little known Kool and the Gang, B side)

    One serious question, what in the fartknockers were you doing up at 350am?

    My favorite word of the moment with a 2 yr old in the house and one on the way: poopsticks.

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  23. The other night, (while in the midst of Barf fest 2006) I uttered the "F" bomb under my breath. The next thing I knew I was hearing "buck this" and "buck that."

    We used to use the word "Fudge" too.

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  24. My 4th grade son asked me just yesterday if he could say "freakin'" like I do. I admit, I do use it. A lot. It's either that or...well, you know. Like your daughter, he asked me as well if it was a bad word. I told him "freakin'" itself wasn't a bad word, but it implied it. Of course he said it was no fair, so I promised him I would do my best not to say freakin' anymore. Yeah, like THAT'LL happen.

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  25. I just found your blog, and you're cracking me the fudge up!

    I too say freakin', and it IS really annoying. Even to myself. Yet somehow I can't stop. Perhaps motherhood will eventually cure me.

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  26. The substitute words for the cuss words aren't any better. You can still tell what word they really WANT to use and doesn't your brain automatically substitute it back in anyway? I mean, Cheese and Rice (Jesus Christ). ;)

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  27. I was raised in a strict religious household and went to a christian school through ninth grade.
    I remember when I started public high school how shocked I was by the language kids were using. It didn't take me long to start trying out a few words here and there. At first they felt funny and foreign on my lips, but didn't take long for me to start cussing like a sailor. And since then, I haven't been able to clean up my fucking potty mouth, damn it.

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  28. I can never come up with substitutes for my incessant swearing, though I should now that my son is trying to talk...
    and dude, your comment on Dawn's page about your kids thinking they're part anime? Cracked me the frig up! (Hey, that's a start.)

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  29. Dude, have you seen the movie "Johnny Dangerously" with Michael Keaton? His favorite curse is "Fargin' Icehole". We say that once in a while, but usually it's the real words. I try to keep the language on my blog clean but if you heard me around the house your ears would catch on fire.

    My husband's favorite word for something that sucks is to say "junk". As in, "honey, the Water bill didn't get paid on time last month". "Junk". I have no idea where it came from.

    "Part Anime" was frickin' hilarious!

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  30. my new favourite swear word: "shitburgers". It works so well - try it !

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  31. we have a few english types (from england) in our universe and often hear this oh so passive swear:

    "get stuffed!"

    I like it -- it is pointed but quaint at the same time - and kid friendly too!

    Entonation makes all the difference - it is clear what you have been told to do if you are on the recieving end of such a polite yet crass response -

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  32. Entonation may make all the difference but spelling counts too - I know because it should be intonation - I hate when I do that - darn keyboard(!) get stuffed will ya'?

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  33. Excellent -thanks for sharing it... though I don't think Fudge is gonna do it for me. Still looking...

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  34. You had me at rapscallion.

    Fudge is meant to be eaten. Fuck is meant to be exclaimed.

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