Wednesday, November 30, 2005

'Thanksgiving, Part 1' or 'I Did The Defrost
And Now I'm Chill'

Thanksgiving was a big success. Preparation for a party of 35 was stressful, but I managed to get through the whole shebang without having a stroke or lashing-out at loved ones excessively. Some have even gone so far as to say it was the 'Best Thanksgiving Ever' and I'm inclined to go along with that, seeing as I heard the distinction comes with a trophy of some sort and a small cash award.

One of my secrets to sanity this year was promising myself that I would not cook anything. For Thanksgiving, my mom always insists on cooking the turkey, and usually I volunteer myself for mashed potatoes and a couple of other things. (My reputation for the Bringer Of The Potatoes is a little tarnished, though, ever since the Thanksgiving at my brother's when I showed up 2-1/2 hours late. Mainly because Martha Stewart had instructed women everywhere that in order to make an authentic Mashed Potato concoction one must use a food mill. Yes, a FOOD MILL! It's A Good Thing! And so I did! And it took me three hours just to get all those potatoes through that stinkin contraption that she behooved me to buy. That whore.)

This year I decided to pick up a Honeybaked Ham and do a couple of appetizers. The ham cost me $65, which is pretty pricey for a hunk of meat encrusted in sugar. When the Honeybaked man offered to 'slice the ham around the bone' for me I cracked that for $65 he should really come to our house and serve it while naked . Then the police came and everything is a blur.

For past get-togethers I have attempted to flex my culinary muscles and got all high-brow by making things like this. And this. Oh and then there were these. But then they were met with the following comments, respectively:

"What IS that? Is that white stuff EGG?"

"Sort of like salsa. But definitely not salsa. I LIKE SALSA."

"Hey, this crap really tastes awful!" (Nobody really said this, but I know they were thinking it.)

Memories of my beautifully plated canapés being trampled by various family members in their rush to chow down the last of the cocktail wienies made me decide to dig way down deep and pull out my inner trailer park. Picking up these beauties at Costco made me want to rush home and give my man a mullet:

These were accompanied by a box of Trader Joes crackers and a tray of packaged, pre-washed veggies. My piece de resistance was a platter of frozen cooked shrimp and jarred cocktail sauce which brought on many compliments and praising of my deft defrosting skills. I came up with the brilliant idea of adding a dollop of horseradish to the sauce and all of those around me were certain they were in the presence of culinary genius.

Honestly, I really liked the no-cooking rule and plan to implement it more in the future. To be able to sanely greet my guests without buckets of grease dripping off my face because I just sauteéd three hundred chicken tenders - well that was nice! And Rigel commented how much calmer I was at this gathering and expressed gratitude for the absence of my customary pre-party mania that usually starts off with a psychotic blitzkrieg of home-improvement and ends with me trying to castrate him with a pair of ice tongs.

The Best Thanksgiving Ever? Yes, I would have to agree.

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  1. My cold indifferent heart has been thawed by your warmth, candor and innocence - trailer parks rule!!!!!!!

    thanksgiving to all trailer beings!!!!!!! amen

  2. b/c I have no culinary muscle of which to speak, you have learned the non-cookers' secret. Costo, pre-washed/pre-cut, a box of crackers and TA-DA!, a party in a bucket. pls. don't tell *everyone*, okay??

    Being the One Trick Pony that I am, I have a "recipe" for White Trash Dip if you ever are looking for one (easy peasy and borderline unoriginal but the req'd accompanying chips which make it all worthwhile? Fritos Scoops. Except. No. Substitute!). I must say, it goes quickly and people think you're brilliant. Maybe it's b/c they're drunk? this, this could be. (seriously tho, good stuff, however you will have to understand that the trade off is you've just shortened your life expectancy a few years after consuming it.)

    Glad to hear no ER visit to re-attach balls was needed this year.

  3. With a box of wine, this sounds like the perfect party.

    Congrats to you for not eviserating all guests and then crawling inside their bloody cavities with a bottle of Grey Goose.

    And a husband who keeps testicles intact - very good thing, unlike Martha, who clearly needs a good vibrator.

  4. The cracker and veggie platters were my favorite part! Well, aside from the wine.

    Just kidding. Kind of.


    Best Thanksgiving Ever. Your backyard is gorgeous.

  5. Hey, Good Job!! I will definately keep the no cooking thing in mind for when i have big parties...which may be never. But, nonetheless, i will tuck this tip into a brain lobe for later use.


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