Tuesday, May 24, 2005

If I Was A Man I Would Have .00001 Balls

Yesterday I went on a field trip with Kiyomi's first grade class. To do this I had to miss one of my writing classes I just started last week. Since there are only six sessions, I hated to miss even one, but as usual I was BENT TO KIYOMI'S WILL. I had volunteered to be a parent chaperone weeks ago, but completely forgot about my class being on the same day. I approached my sweet loving child about my dilemma and hinted that mommy was TRYING TO GET A LIFE and would not be able to come along on the field trip and her answer was, "So, is your writing class more important than me?"

This was followed by her famous Doe-Eyes Filled With Despair stare segueing into the Eyes Cast Downward Hurt Feelings look and topped off by the I Thought You Were My Mother But I Guess You're Satan glare.

Okay okay! I'm going already! Personal growth is so overrated, anyways.

She's good, this Kiyomi she-devil. Able to manipulate wimpy adults with a single glance, bring vulnerable parents to their wobbly knees with a gut-wrenching remark and God knows what other powers she holds in that little six-year-old body of hers. We're almost certain we've seen her bend spoons by boring down on them with her beady little eyes, and we're not sure, but we suspect she may be responsible for those exploding toads over in Germany.

And now after hearing that, in case you have a shred of respect left for me, kiss its lonely ass goodbye because I have another story that will officially crown me Ms. Wussified Wussiest Wussy Wuss 2005:

This Thursday Kira's class is also going on a field trip, but I was trying to bail on that one as well, since that morning is the brunch at the school for parents who have volunteered during the year. I figured I should take advantage of it, seeing as I spend about three-quarters of my waking hours over there, and HEY FREE FOOD. So, once again I searched high and low, inside couch cushions and under the beds, found some fragments of my spine and approached my other sweet loving child to tell her that I WOULD NOT BE COMING ON HER FIELD TRIP NO WAY NO SIREE ABSOLUTO NEGATIVO I'M SERIOUS DON'T TRY AND BEND ME LIKE KIYOMI ON THIS ONE.

And this was followed by Kira's famous Rapid Blinking Of Eyes To Hold Back Tears Of Sorrow flutter segueing into the Gentle Sniffling Of The Nose To Indicate Imminent Crying episode topped off by the I Hope You Enjoy Stuffing Your Face While I Suffer Alone shrug.

And so I will be going on my SECOND field trip of the week, but just to show her WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE I'll be going to the brunch first and then meeting the class at the museum. Yes, rushing through brunch, driving my own car across town to meet up with them for the last hour of the field trip - THAT'LL SHOW HER WHO'S THE BOSS.

Archive File: Offspring | This Life

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