Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Kidnapped, My Ass

If you're like me, you just can't get enough of the whole 'runaway bride' story. I think her rich southern belle ass needs a whuppin! Whatever happens, she owes everyone an explanation, especially those of us who aren't going to be satisfied with the five page spread she is sure to get in this week's People magazine. She's asked me to help her write a speech. It will go something like this:

Family, Friends, and Fiancé,

I know y'all are wonderin' what was goin' on in my bird brain when I took off and left you all thinkin' I was dead. Really, I didn't think anyone would come lookin' for me and as I've come to find out some of you even said, "Why the hell are we lookin' for her?" Just so you know, I didn't think that was funny.

Now, if you been listenin' to the news at all you know that I don't think I did nuthin wrong, so this ain't no apology. Please note that you will not hear the word 'sorry' anywhere in this statement, except when referring to my ass, as in '"lots of people wastin' their time lookin' for my sorry ass" or "people say I shoulda just kept my sorry ass on that bus."

First off, momma and daddy, I feel so bad to have made you worry, but please try and understand what I was up against - if it was a choice between makin' you think your little girl was dead, and having to tell fourteen bridesmaids that not only did they have to pay for them ugly dresses but they was not gonna be wearin' 'em to my wedding, why, wouldn't you just rather disappear too? You know, Mandy Sue and Heather Ann, they got them big arms and they woulda just about pounded my narrow ass into the ground and stuffed all that taffeta in my big ol' maw.

And let me talk about all the hooha over me sayin' at first that it was a Hispanic man and a white woman who kidnapped me. I mean, hello? Wake up and smell the mint juleps, people, do you think anyone would have believed me if I had said two white dudes had kidnapped me? Like, that ever happens! Y'all should just be thankin me for not up and sayin' it was two black rappers or somethin' crazy like that! Really, I do have some sense, now!

Now let's look at who the real victim is here. If you read any of the press that's been yappin' around, you would know that I took off on my journey on a Greyhound bus. A Greyhound Bus! I don't know about you, but just sayin' them words makes a shiver run up my worthless spine. I knew as soon as my Kenneth Cole-clad ass hit that slimy vinyl seat I not only had made a pact with Satan himself, but was sittin' damn right in the middle of his living room. And oh, don't get me started on the bathroom on that thing, sweet mother of God, there wasn't a minute that went by when I was straddlin' that toilet that I didn't just pray to have that big, swirlin' funnel of crap filled water come and take me right there so I wouldn't have to endure that hell hole no longer. Y'all just be thankful and hug the ones you love sittin' with you right now that you don't ever have to take a ride into purgatory on no Greyhound bus.

To my fiancé, I hope you understand that I didn't mean to hurt you by leavin' my ring, runnin' off five days before our wedding and then humiliating you in the public eye by admitting that I had faked my own kidnapping just so I could avoid becoming your wife. Really. You need to stop thinkin' only about yourself you big ol' lug!

As for all y'all hollerin' for your gifts back, I guess you missed my statement that said the wedding is 'postponed' and not 'cancelled' so you can put your greedy fat hands back in your overalls and stop askin' already! I mean, stop bein' so shallow!

Finally, to law enforcement and the hundreds of volunteers who spent many long hours and dedicated manpower to search for my pathetic, un-kidnapped, narcissistic butt, if I told you once I told you a hunnerd times, Talk To The Hand! I ain't broke no law, is what my daddy says and he's got the money to shut you up if you keep leavin' them nasty messages on my cell phone.

I hope this helps to calm y'all down a bit, to see things from my perspective and to feel a little bit sorry for me. Gotta go - I got some invitations I need to change the date on!

Jennifer (Jen to all my pals!)

Archive File: Cranky

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