Thursday, July 09, 2009

If you saw this thing you wouldn't be laughing

Last week as the girls and I were getting ready to leave for an errand, I was attacked by a wasp. For those of you who think I'm exaggerating (and I've been known to on occasion) let me just say I'm not embellishing in the least here, this thing was as big as my palm and its head was the size of a marble. I could see its hairy legs kicking around, and I swear as it came at me it hissed, "Get ready to die." I think it may have even been carrying a teeny knapsack filled with tools.

The girls were already in the car and I was locking the front door when the brazen attack on my life occurred. I think I shouted out a few obscenities as the bird-sized creature flew towards me intending to kill me, ran in a serpentine pattern to confuse it and leaped into the van just in the nick of time. It's all a blur, but I think I remember having to pry its claws off my back. The girls were plugged into their iPods and examining their fingernails, but I do remember them glancing up momentarily to show they cared. Actually, I think they may have only looked up because they were hoping I hadn't dropped my purse in the melee, which would mean they wouldn't be able to have their daily tall-mocha-frappuccino.

Even worse, we could see from the car that the wasp was building a mud nest right near our door. It was pretty ominous, and not wanting to put my children's lives in danger, I called Rigel and informed hm that we wouldn't be returning to the house until after he had gotten home from work, sprayed the nest and wrestled the cat-sized wasp to the ground. Sure that might not be until 9pm, but I was willing to wait it out as long as it took for the situation to be made safe. For the children.

And wait we did, for an hour or so at Starbucks. We finally got the 'all clear' call from Rigel signaling that he had used every toxic chemical available to annihilate the beast, and the nest had been demolished using a combination of heavy machinery and an ancient Mayan chant known to dispel evil. You can't be too careful with these things.

During the whole ordeal, Kiyomi kept ribbing me, apparently amused by the fact that I had run from what she called a "teeny tiny thing." (For the record, she was afraid to get out of the car as well. Not that I'm ratting out my kid in order to make myself look less ridiculous or anything.) Then she asked me what I would have done if we had gotten home before Rigel and the wasp had gotten into the house, and without hesitating I said, "I'd call 911." I was joking of course, since everyone knows you don't need an emergency crew to show up to kill a wasp - that's what husbands are for.

Besides, I just found this video, that shows what happens when you make frivolous calls for help. This woman dialed 911 three times because some of her cows had gotten loose. She tells the emergency operator:

Yes, this is a damn emergency. I got seven fucking cows out loose!

The woman was eventually issued a citation for misusing the emergency call system, and rightly so. I mean, it's not like she was being attacked by a wasp or anything.

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  1. SPM, I have seen these creatures of which you speak. I think they are called Giant Mutant Wasp Creatures or something to that effect. You were wise to stay away.

    (Although, that was THE BEST excuse I've ever heard for whiling away the hours in Starbucks.)


  2. Great. Now I am going to have nightmares about wasps.

    One should NEVER read sweatpantsmom before bed.

  3. I once called home a roommate to have her help me kill a cockroach. In my defense, we were in New Orleans and I think the bug had its own zip code.

  4. Hopping over to your blog from the "Baby on Bored" blog. I had to laugh hysterically at your wasp story. Not because you were funny...(ok, you were....LOL!), but because I've had that happen too! Not fun! Glad the Mayan chant worked! LOL!

    ~ Jennifer

  5. There's no excuse for husbands who won't leave work early to come home and rid the house of a wasp nest. None. Even in this economy.

  6. Marsha!
    Remember that huuuuugh bug we had to wrestle out at the condo in the desert? Who needs 911 when you can make a call to the guy at the front gate?


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