Monday, January 21, 2008

Oh, Brother.

I was so excited when Kristen, Cathy and motherbumper invited me to a virtual baby shower for Julie, aka mothergoosemouse who is expecting her third child - her first boy! I've been away from the blogosphere for awhile and didn't even know Julie was pregnant, but I was honored to contribute by doing a post on raising sons.

And then it hit me: I have two daughters.

But I thought about it and seeing as I have three brothers, I realized that I could give out some valuable advice to Julie's two daughters on surviving life with a sibling of the opposite sex. So it's to them that I write this post, what I like to call:

Sweatpantsmom's Top Five Tips For Surviving Life With Brothers

1) Don't let them near your Barbies, or your Brats, or your Hollywood Hookers or whatever dolls are in vogue at the time. Trust me, they'll think it's high comedy to put Barbies panties on Ken's head. They never seem to understand that it's really not funny to have your friends walk into your room and find Raggedy Andy sitting next to Raggedy Ann with his hand down her pinafore.

2) They will always drink directly out of the milk carton and the orange juice bottle. This odd behavior dates back to the caveman days, where it's believed that the male would drink the woolly mammoth milk straight out of the sacred stone vessels and the cavewomen would go apeshit. There is no way to untrain this unfortunate behavior that seems to be an integral part of the Y chromosome. Do not even try. My advice to you is to stop drinking milk and orange juice.

3) Expect much more farting. I'm not talking about the occasional, accidental passing of gas that is usually followed by girly giggles and an 'oops' like you're used to, but all-out gleeful, devil-may-care farting that is performed proudly as if they were playing the cello at Madison Square Garden. Do not scream or pretend to faint after these displays - this only encourages them.

4) Be prepared for them to go through your yearbook and label all of your friends as 'Hot' or 'Dogs.' They will of course go gaga over Kelly, the one girl you hate and probably the only seventh grader you know who is on birth control. You can always bring them down to earth by telling them that Ms. Crane, the hot blonde english teacher they're drooling over is actually a lesbian.

5) Be prepared to use physical force to get your way. I don't care what anyone says, boys don't like to listen to girls talk, especially their sisters. Sure, as you get older you'll be able to have those deep heart-to-hearts to sort out your feelings, but until then nothing says "Get out of my room" like the threat of a flying cereal bowl, or the sight of you putting on your big heavy "kicking shoes." Don't let your parents know you heard this from me.

But brothers aren't all bad. They'll also loan you money to start a business, help you ditch school to buy concert tickets, babysit your children, be there through illnesses, walk you down the aisle when you get married, buy unreasonable amounts of candy and wrapping paper from your kids' fundraisers, give heart-wrenching speeches at your weeding and help you take care of your parents when they get older. Just remember that there will come a day when you'll actually enjoy being in the same room with them.

As long as they bring their own milk and some air freshener.

Julie, congratulations on your upcoming bundle of joy!


Hear from more of Julie's shower guests here.

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  1. I forgot about how they drink out of the cartons and bottles. Ugh.

    But I can attest to the need for physical force in order to get my point across to my brother. And he did say some pretty fabulous things at our wedding.

    Thanks for the kind and wise words!

  2. for some reason, you make me wish i had a brother.

  3. I'm so saving this for my daughter.

    Thanks for coming to the party!

  4. Where were you when I was seven?

  5. Ooh, this is a great approach -- I didn't think about the fact that I have a brother when I wrote my post!

  6. An addition to #2 -- they also completely finish the milk/oj and put the empty container(s) back into the frig for you to find at some later point to throw away for them -- the trash can being to difficult to find.

    But as you said Marsha -- when you grow up the relationship completely changes and it is then that you finally appreciate your brother (and/or sister). I have mentioned this fact to your daughters on many occasion, but they still don't believe me!

    Congrats to your friend, Julie, and good luck!

  7. As a woman with 2 brothers and 2 sons, I can attest to all you say, sadly.

  8. Something I've only recently learned: while diapering, point IT down. Do this in memory of me.

  9. it's my daughter whos is big on the farting in our house. she likes to give ehr farts to people. like:

    mommy! i'm going to toot! i'll go give my toot to daddy!

    then she runs to where daddy is and breaks wind in his general direction. i cannot tell you how much she enjoys her gassy activities. i cannot TELL you.

    mommy, i tooted! can you smell it! try! smell it!


  10. You are right. Brothers can be sweet in their own little ways -- but mainly when they get older. heehee.

  11. Oh, the farting. My boys are now passing this along to their sister.

  12. Oh snap!! Thanks for stopping by, i need to get my links up and running again.

    I especially agree with the last one about using physical force to get what you want. This was practiced by us non stop over spring breaks. I would steal something of theirs and we would wrestle all day for it...then vice versa the next day. This was how we practiced to battle for the remainder of the fiscal year.


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