Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Married With Children.

They said "I Do."
My brother got married on Saturday and I have to say it was one of the most beautiful weddings I've been to. Aside from the breathtaking location - an inn sitting on a cliff overlooking the ocean - it was the sentiments expressed by their children that made this one so memorable. This is the second marriage for both of them, and each have adult children by their previous spouses - my brother has a son who is 26 and his wife has a daughter and son, ages 18 and 21. During the reception each of their children got up to talk and said such heartfelt words about how happy they were that their parents had found each other and how they were grateful to be welcomed into their new families. This was my cue to start crying, as I do at most weddings, and unfortunately I have the three-inch black mascara stains on the sleeves of all my dresses to prove it.

She said, "Can't touch this."
Kiyomi performed her flower girl duties excellently. At the last minute my two five year old nieces, who were also flowergirls, cancelled and Kiyomi had to walk down the aisle by herself, and she wasted no time in telling the wedding coordinator that she was "flying solo." She was a little too excited about this, sort of like Diana Ross when she was ditching the Supremes and when she started to do a manic MC Hammer dance right before the ceremony I had to tell her to knock it off. But she walked down the aisle and stood in her place during the wedding, only cracking once when the words "and you may kiss the bride" were spoken and she started wincing and shielding her eyes, sort of like she does when she sees me coming out of the shower.

They said, "Ewww."
When it came time for the traditional bouquet toss, I have to say I was deeply disappointed in the lack of desperation in today's single women. Why, in my day, we trained for the bouquet toss as if it were the Iron Man triathlon. The wedding ceremony was a mere formality and the reception was only an opportunity to carbo-load for the main event - rubbery chicken and a slab of cake were all I needed to take down my opponents. We'd rush the floor for the best position, and when that bouquet came sailing towards us we acted like a bunch of women just emerging from a diet clinic who had spied a single french fry appearing in the sky. Shoving, slapping, elbowing - I think I may have stabbed a bridesmaid or two, but it's all a blur, my brain overcome with visions of future matrimonial bliss.

On Saturday it took a fair amount of coaxing to get anyone out on the floor, and when the actual toss occurred everyone watched the bouquet sail over their heads, recoiling as if a giant turd were hurling towards them. It eventually hit the floor, only to be picked up by...Kira, my ten-year-old. Which means, if the tradition holds true, she'll be the next one to get married! I can't wait for the throngs of hillbillies, assorted perverts and Roman Polanski to show up on my doorstep.

They said, "Can't we just be friends?"
The guys did a little better with the garter toss. It wasn't as hard to get them out there, but when they finally shuffled onto the floor they stood as far back as possible, talking and scratching themselves. One of them appeared to be text-messaging the entire time on his Blackberry. When my brother flung the garter into the crowd, they all just kind of glanced up, seemingly unsure as whether to grab it or not, as if they were saying, "Should I grab it? Is my girlfriend watching? Does this really mean I have to get married? Do I love her? Hey, that waitress is kind of hot."

To be fair, I should say here that at our wedding Rigel chose to skip the garter toss altogether. He said he saw no point in watching a bunch of grown men falling all over themselves, chasing after a piece of women's lingerie. I had to agree, since I figured it was unnecessary to repeat what had happened at his bachelor party the previous weekend.

They sang Frank Sinatra.
When my girls first heard that my brother would be getting married they got very excited and wanted to perform together at the reception. Unfortunately they couldn't agree on a song choice, and when they finally decided on one I had to veto it - I explained to them that Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams wasn't appropriate for what was intended to be the happiest day in the lives of the bride and groom.

My brother's son played guitar and both he and his new step-brother sang a touching rendition of "The Way You Look Tonight" to the new couple. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. I love weddings.
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  1. Sounds awesome. Just to restore your faith in the true competition of the boquet toss At our wedding both my mother-in-law and step-mother-in-law (not married to his dad yet) nearly gave my best friend (who got married 8 days later) a concussion trying to vying for the boquet. There were almost some serious injuries.

  2. I love weddings to. And I have to agree that bouquet chasing is a dying art.

    What's with women these days? Don't they know it's their only chance to claw and slap at another woman?

  3. I don't go to weddings much anymore. Most of my friends are married, divorced, or gay. I am, however, coming into the age bracket where I get invited to friends' children's weddings. I went to my first one this past fall. Now, if that ain't a kick in the pants....

    Your daughter looks lovely in her dress!

  4. This is a lovely, funny, touching post.

    Thank god that Roman Polanski still isn't allowed in the U.S. Unfortunately, Jerry Lee Lewis is still alive. Hide your baby.

  5. during my single days, at wedding receptions, I oddly always found myself outside, taking a restroom break or just not in the general vicinity during the tossing of undergarments...

  6. i love a good wedding were i can cry and drink from the open bar.

    p.s. when i was single, i spent my time in the bathroom so i wouldn't have to do the walk of shame for the bouquet toss.

  7. Kiyomi is exquisite (and the dress is pretty swell, too).

    I would have cried at that wedding. It sounds perfect...sigh.

  8. Oh. my. God.

    The giant turd line? Exquisite.

  9. It's interesting... I'd say half the weddings I go to (including my own!) the garter and bouquet were scrambled for and fought over by a throng of adults, only to fly around and come to rest at the feet of a small child.


    (Except the garter at my wedding - my 4 year newphew swooped in and saved it from the floor as a dozen grown men launched themselves for it).

  10. LOL LOL and also very sweet...the way you look tonight part!

    Great post!

  11. Now I'm going to be visualizing this wedding everytime that song comes on the radio here at work...It's a beautiful song.

    Everything sounds great, and Ms.'can't touch this' Kiyomi looked bee-yoo-tee-full!

  12. i love the free alcohol at weddings.

    and it doesn't matter who gets married, i always end up crying.

  13. Ahhh, glad you had a great time! I love weddings too.

    At our wedding, we ditched the garter toss since my parents and future in-laws weren't too keen on my hubbie grabbing my garter with his teeth to remove it. Old fashion people, what can I tell you.

  14. I'm a sucker for a great wedding. Sounds like this one would have had me reaching for the handkerchief too (as well as the martinis.)

  15. Damn, I love weddings. I wonder if I can talk Pookie into one of them there re-commitment ceremonies, if only for the cake.

    I'm glad it went well. It sounds just beautiful.

  16. What a great wedding.

    My bouquet was so heavy it would have caused a TBI (traumatic brain injury) to toss.

  17. At the last wedding I went to, all of the single women jumped out of the way during the bouquet toss, too. It ended up being caught by the bride's 75 year old aunt!


  18. These kinds of posts make me want to get divorced, just so I can plan my next wedding. I loved my wedding... but only what I've seen in photos because it went by so quickly that I don't remember any of it. Isn't that terrible!

  19. What??? No video of the song performance? I'm crushed. Really.

  20. Kiyomi looks lovely. And I would give anything to see her Hammer dance.

    It's Hammer time!

  21. I'm fully convinced the bouquet/garter toss combo is a mating ritual created by men.

    The bouquet is always tossed first so they can herd all the single women together - check out the prospects.

    Then they all preen and strut their manly selves out there to show off for the single ladies.


  22. Your writing brings me huge pleasure--you're so good.

    Testament to this is the fact that I don't love the traditions at weddings like the bouquet toss or the garter grab--avoiding them assiduously when they occur--yet you made me see how such rituals can be fun.

    And you just made me laugh and laugh.

  23. You might not have the same feeling about the bouquet toss if you are a single woman in your forties -- I'm tired of standing out there getting flowers thrown in my face -- it now looks sad and pitful when you are forced out onto the floor (and you are forced -- If you don't go out you will hear your name called out by loving family members over the microphone) -- you see all the faces looking at you and know that they are thinking "how sad that she still single at her age and hasn't been able to find anyone, she might as well live by herself and get a house full of cats" -- Of course, that might just be my imagination. -- Also note that the reason we looked like a "giant turd" was flying towards us was that the bouquet was full of water which got flung all over our faces and clothes -- that was a first. Other than that the wedding was wonderful!

  24. Kiyomi looks so beautiful. I think it's great that she did so well "flying solo" (and was enthusiastic about it!!)

    I've always wanted to be at a wedding where there was a knock down, drag out fight over the bouquet toss. So far no dice.

  25. Oh, I love weddings too!

    Kiyomi made a beautiful flower girl. Maybe she got to use her MC Hammer moves on the dance floor a little later???? :)


  26. It sounds like they had an awesome wedding. I just got married back in October and I was afraid of the bouquet toss, so I made duplicate throw aways and presented one to my mother and one to Jakes mother. That way I didn't have to worry about any potential injuries...

  27. I love weddings! But I'm with some of your other commenters - when the bouquet toss came around, I'd hide.

  28. So is this THE dress?? Oh, you MUST post what Kira wore as well... was it anything near as beautiful as what she sketched??

    I'm obviously a wedding person as well... so long as I or my children are not intimately involved.

  29. "To be fair, I should say here that at our wedding Rigel chose to skip the garter toss altogether. He said he saw no point in watching a bunch of grown men falling all over themselves, chasing after a piece of women's lingerie. I had to agree, since I figured it was unnecessary to repeat what had happened at his bachelor party the previous weekend."

    That line resulted in me choking on my own laughter. I applaud thee.

  30. Yeah, I would have been in tears for sure. I had the misfortune of sitting next to the video camera at one of my close friend's weddings and so on her wedding video you can hear me sniffling back my sobs the entire time. (Thankfully, my friend seems to think this is cute rather than annoying.) But it was such a beautiful ceremony!

    I am a bridesmaid (God save me) in my dear sister-in-law's wedding this summer, and I'm actually considering getting my eyelashes dyed (not something I would normally even consider) so I can avoid the whole smeary-mascara thing. She's a sweetheart and is marrying a great guy who actually deserves her, so undoubtedly I'll be a basket case during the ceremony.

  31. The last wedding I went to - I was forced to go out for the bouquet toss. Normally I don't mind, but I figured the pressure might be too much for my boyfriend.I didn't even try to catch it. He went out for the garter toss and it literally hit him in the chest and he moved away. I asked him why he did that and he said "well, I wouldn't want anyone but you to be the bouquet catcher and since you didn't...." Dang my luck. :)

  32. Nothing like a good wedding to bring on the happy. Congrats to your brother!

  33. I want to meet your daughters. They are hilarious. The "i'm flying solo" line totally cracked me up. As well as shielding her eyes when they kissed, sooooooooo funny.

    The whole event sounds totally fabulous. I haven't been to a wedding in forever. Pretty sound my friends kids will start getting married and then I will have a chance to go those weddings. That should be something else altogether!

  34. Why don't I go to weddings like this? Its sounds lovely - I'm more than a bit green.
    I was by here last night, then surfed back to my blog and relived some memories of a wedding that was the polar opposite of your experience.

  35. Sounds like a wonderful wedding.

    Oh at my wedding, the garter fell flat on the ground. NO one wanted it. I was a little hurt, wondering if they were all grossed out by me or something. When I asked a guy friend of mine he said, "No one wanted it because the girl who caught your bouquet was so ugly, no one wants to slide that garter up her leg!" NICE, huh?


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