Sunday, February 27, 2005

He Wrote Down 'LOTR Trilogy' And I'm Like "What The Hell Is 'Lotter Trilogy'?"

"Hello. My name is Marsha and I haven't seen any of the 'Lord of the Rings' movies." This is where, in the 12-step meeting, all the others in the room would say, "Hello, Marsha!" but instead, they just stare at me in disbelief and disgust. The room gets eerily silent, then the leader of the group, dressed in a long flowing robe (who I later find out is this fella 'Gandalf') yells, "Kick the maiden's ass!" and all the people in the room, who I realize are remarkably short little people (who I later find out are those ubiquitous 'hobbits') start throwing things at me; rocks, spears, other props from the movie that I don't recognize since, as I've confessed, people, I haven't seen one freakin' installment of and I'm REALLY REALLY sorry.

Anyways, I wake up from this nightmare and realize it's all a dream, at least the attack sequence. The part about being the only person on the planet who hasn't seen a single 'Lord of the Rings' movie is shockingly true. Rigel, who is a fan of the books and the movies, has given up even trying to convince me to sit through one, even though I'm the one who bought him the first two movies as gifts (Thank God the guys at Target knew what LOTR stood for.) Friends express deep concern and almost always set out to rehabilitate me - our friend Bruce, with Rigel's tacit approval, even LOCKED ME IN A ROOM and made me watch 10 minutes of the first movie, convinced that after a taste of this fantasy gem I'd be begging for more, rushing out to buy Hobbit dolls and downloading a Gollum screensaver. Unfortunately, I don't remember much of even that 10 minutes I saw (lots of clouds! Many, many creaking doors!), so busy was I with planning how I was SO going to tie them both down and make them watch the 'Love Actually' DVD with me, even all the extra scenes, bloopers and directors comments.

And the reason I haven't rushed out to see these blockbusters like everyone else in the free world? It's so simplistic and abnormal, I know, but a hurdle I can't seem to overcome: I absolutely cannot watch a movie where they're wearing period costumes (okay, I admit - I call them 'funny clothes.') Call me narrow minded, but give me Brad Pitt in jeans and a simple white dress shirt and I'm fine, but put him in a silly suit of armor or even a randy cape and top hat and I can't bear to sit through even five minutes of the opening credits. It must have something to do with my inability to accept anything that doesn't scream, 'This is happening NOW, in modern times, and could happen to YOU or someone you know!' I need to relate, to identify with the character and can't seem to do it when that person is wearing a turban, harem pants and jeweled pointy shoes. (Unless of course it's Beyoncé in one of her videos, in which case I'm all "Where DOES she shop, and how can i get me one of those?")

I'm sure at some point, I'll give in, make a five gallon drum of popcorn, chill up a couple liters of Diet Coke and just watch a ten hour marathon of the whole damn 'Lotter Trilogy.' This should quiet my conscience, if not my friends, and at least eliminate that awkward moment at dinner parties, when someone is asking me which of the three movies is my favorite, and I reply I haven't seen any of them, and they all, even Rigel, look away, silent and just so embarrassed for me.

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  1. I'm glad you cleared that up for me; I was wondering what the hell that guy was trying to say. And, another thing, why the hell do I feel compelled to comment on all your blogs? Have I picked up your 'it's all about me' disease? I've been trying to place your style. It's a little bit Irma Bombeck, with a pinch of Phyllis Diller, a drop of Margaret Cho, and just a dusting of Rita Rudner - a bit of Rosanne in there too somewhere.
    As I said, you might have a future in Stand-up. You and Rigel should go to the Comedy Club on amateur night and give it a try. Maybe you and he could work out a doubles routine. He's pretty funny in his own right - more like John Clees, I think. Success might come sooner than with trying to get published. But then, maybe you haven't suffered enough yet.

  2. Afterthought-
    It's okay that you didn't care for TLOR; I wasn't able to sit through it either, and I'm a guy. I just couldn't get myself to care about the characters or the story. I like SiFi, but I'm cool about SciFantasy. It's a hard distinction to make. And, one should be cautious about generalizing. You're probably wrong about costumes being the problem. I'm sure you have seen costume or period pieces that you enjoyed. The English do that sort of thing better than Hollywood does. But Pitt as Ajax? Or that other guy as Alexander? Or, even Leonardo as Hughs. They just don't have the gravitas to carry it off. Even the great G. Peck couldn't make us believe he was Ahab. Other times it's the director's or producers fault. They get too ambitious while they're too young. This is a topic for a looong discussion.

  3. I swear to God we were separated at birth! I'm the exact same way about movies. Give me a slice of life movie any day. I LOVED Love Actually. I like anything made in the 70's when movies just told a story and there were always CARS. I can't watch any period pieces, fantasy, or highly stylized movies. I don't like those old movies where everyone talked like a reporter "you're aces with me kid!" and if there's anything I can't stand it's a movie that inspires anyone to say, "I absolutely loved the cinematography!"


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