Monday, November 06, 2006

I Wish You Were Around When I Got A Perm.

I love you, crazy blog people. Thank you for your uplifting words, your advice and nuggets of wisdom. Thank you for reassuring me that helping M. is the right thing to do. Thank you for sharing with me stories of being 'that girl' who benefited from a neighbor's welcoming arms. Thank you for encouraging me to continue to nurture Kira's friendship with M. Thank you for cautioning me to keep my guard up when dealing with M.'s mother. Most importantly, thank you for preventing me from driving over to that freaky broad's house and smearing her front steps with dog poop and then yelling "Fire!"

All of your thoughtful, supportive responses got me thinking about what a great community we have here in the blogosphere. If I had had such a wealth of information available to me ten years ago when I had my first child would I have even needed to drop fifteen dollars on What To Expect When You're Expecting? Or Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems? Or Green Poop Does Not Mean They're Dying? (That last one I made up but is DEFINITELY A BOOK THAT NEEDS TO BE WRITTEN.)

As a high schooler, would I have even thought of wearing rainbow suspenders and pants tucked into high top sneakers if I had been able to consult with all of you first?

Well, blog people, now you've done it. A precedent has been set. The die has been cast. Now that I know I can come to you with life's most vexing problems and get such sensible, intelligent advice, here are some things I may need your help on this week:

Bangs or no bangs?

Paper or plastic?

The Duvet: Convenient bed topping or the world's biggest pillowcase?

Handful of carrots or pound of bacon?

Paris or Nicole?

Twenty minutes on the treadmill or Number 2 combo with extra cheese?

Cable bill or Number 2 combo with extra cheese?

College fund or Plasma screen?

Seize The Day or stay in bed?

Candy Corn: Candy, corn or addictive crack substitute?

Pay quarterly taxes or stick it to the man?

The man: Boxers or briefs?

Eat slowly to become aware when you're full or cram your piehole like there's no tomorrow?

Eat slowly or get to the extra piece of steak before your husband?

Recognize defiance as independent thinking and reward accordingly or recognize modern parenting as a bunch of hooey and withhold allowance?

Discuss feelings or slam cupboards and bang pots in the kitchen?

Get a handle on PMS with diet and rest or lash out and sob uncontrollably?

White or red?

Cabernet or chianti?
I'm counting on you, internet.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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  1. No bangs
    World's biggest pillowcase
    Pound of bacon
    No thank you
    Twenty minutes on the treadmill and something much tatier
    College fund and discount non-plasma flatscreen
    Stay in bed and seize the late afternoon/evening
    Addictive crack substitute
    Pay quarterly
    Boxerbriefs aka: a funky hybrid that's sure to please all
    Cram your piehole
    MUST you even ask this question? always go for the extra steak
    Again, I'll opt for a funky hybrid
    Never bang your pots...try throwing a shoe...uhm...yeah, don't know where I came up with THAT one
    Calcium, Magnesium, Zinc, and CHOCOLATE...always medicate with chocolate
    Yes please...just promise no pink

    Ha! Sorry you asked now, aren't you? ;D

  2. something much *tastier

    Sorry, I was thinking about cheesecake and got excited ;D

  3. a pound of bacon?!?! Where??? I want some....

  4. Personally I always choose the slam cupboards and bang pots in the kitchen option, first. That calms me down enough to be able to actually discuss feelings without turning the air in the kitchen blue. (Or bluer, if I happen to be blackening dinner at the same time.)

  5. Bangs
    duvet: pain in the ass
    Handful of carrots
    absolutely neither
    Number 2 combo with extra cheese
    Cable bill (life without cable is not worth living)
    let the girls get scholarhsips: go plasma.
    stay in bed
    candy corn is waxy. . .m&ms however.
    stick it to the man
    cram your piehole
    extra piece of steak
    don't have kids so n/a
    discuss feelings while slamming cupboards
    lash out and sob

  6. No bangs.

    Plastic, because you can use them again and again and they have those convenient little handles

    What the hell is a duvet?

    Pound of bacon

    Nicole, and for God's sake, share the bacon with her.

    Always go with the combo.

    See above

    Plasma..and then make them watch educational programming.

    Seize the day..and then take a nap.

    I can't answer this one, because I'm trying to get my candy corn pipe lit.

    Pay the taxes, they won't let you blog from prison.

    Boxers, or commando (I like to provide additional options where I can.

    I prefer living to eat rather than eating to live.

    Make sure there's extra steak for both of you. That way no one gets hurt.

    Allow them their opinion and then explain why they are WRONG.

    Slamming feels way better than discussing any day

    Lashing and sobbing are therapeutic. Only way cheaper than actual therapy.

    White, baby.

    Depends. Will there also be fava beans?

  7. Long bangs, neither - use cotton, aoI love duvets - so more, please, carrots, neither, both, I have rabbit ears, so number two, oooh tough one, both - am sick and PMSing, nibs instead, quarterly, boxer briefs, alternate eating methods, vegetarian, hooey, discuss feelings after slamming cupboards, PMS diet involves sobbing and ice cream, no?, red all the way, syrah.

  8. Jesus woman. You know, i sometimes wonder how much easier it will be for our kids. Ok, here goes.

    No bangs. Plastic. Worlds fuglyest pillowcase. Bacon. Um pass...Nicole I guess. Number #2 with cheese, not extra. #2 wins again. College fund. Depends on the day. Addictive Crack substitute. Pay up, they are very scary. Boxers. Depends on how hungry you are. Get the dam steak first unless you want him to do something for you and then get there first but barter. Depends on how deiant it was, we do both. Slam cupboards and then discuss. in my world there is only one option while PMS'ing and it aint pretty. Always red, white is for pussys. Cabernet.

  9. My advice on this one:

    Take the meat products. Every time.

  10. Bangs are totally in. Go for it.

  11. I was hoping there would be a definitive answer on the bangs issue, as I have been going back and forth over it myself. Bangs are cute! and perky! and will make me look younger! vs. bangs are a pain in the ass to maintain! and will show way too much of my grey hair! You see my dilemna then.

    Bacon. Not a whole pound at once of course, but life is too short not to eat bacon once in a while.

  12. Depends on your forehead.
    Plastic, for picking up dog poop later.
    World's biggest pain in the ass pillowcase.
    Cable bill
    Plasma screen
    Stay in bed.
    Pay taxes, so there is no man sticking it to you calling you bunk muffin in a jail cell.
    Cram, baby, cram.
    Stab his hand with a fork if he tries to take it.
    Withhold allowance my ass, ground for life.
    Slamming is more fun.
    Lashing out has always worked for me.
    More Gin.

  13. like you really need my advice, but here it goes:

    no bangs, because that shit is hard to maintain!

    paper if you are eco-friendly, plastic, if you want it to make it to the car with your groceries.

    world's biggest pillowcase: because my husband is never home.

    bacon!!! this is coming from an ex-vegetarian!

    can i say, neither? they both eekk me out!

    #2 combo with cheese, because life is waaayy to short, and, i'm fat, of course.

    again, plasma screen, spongebob, looks better in a wide format.

    stay in bed, you don't have to shower, otherwise.

    candy corn, the hangover is much less in comparison. (do i know what i'm talking about, maybe...)

    quarterly taxes, because the "big man," sticks it to you in the end, anyway.

    boxers are so sexy, like the man with the scar on the abdomen in the calvin klein billboard ad.

    like no tomorrow. if you are like me, i don't remember yesterday.

    extra piece of steak, man. i'm an only child, as if you couldn't tell.

    defiance is such a hard call. i can't give parental advice on such a heavy subject.

    slam the cupboards and bang the pots like i did this evening. yes, i'm sooo 16....

    neither, sulk, like i do.

    red, with a little cheese.

    yep, i'm sure you needed my two cents worth.

  14. Um, I would take the age old advice and keep to the right. Works in every traffic situation, should work in life as well. Let me check...Cabernet and white were both in the right column. See, it works!

  15. Okay, scarey ... a woman I work with showed up at work last week with a perm!! I didn't even know you could find someone in the day and age who still knows how to give a perm ... but she did, and we've been laughing at her every since!!

  16. I dunno, I'm horrible at decisionmaking. But have I told you lately how much I love your tags?!

  17. No bangs
    Convenient bed
    Handful of carrots
    Paris and Nicole are both loser who should Fuck Off
    20 minutes on treadmill
    Cable bill
    college fun (and a plasma screen...)
    Seize the day (when you're dead you will be dead for a very long time)Stick it to the man
    Eat slowly (i eat at record time but don't have any probs with it)
    Recognize defiance
    Discuss feelings
    Get a handle on PMS (Please!!)
    BOTH white and red (not at the same time though....)

  18. Bangs all the way. They are more youthful...

    Nicole or Paris? YUCK. I say neither.

    #2 with extra cheese times 2. Added to that candy, BACON, grabbing the extra steak, cramming said pie hole all while guzzling down both red and white wines while having PMS.

  19. Don't you remember that song? "Candy crack corn, and I don't care..."

    Methinks you have the answers you seek.

  20. Bangs for a long face, none for a round face
    Either: use paper for wrapping packages; plastic to line your wastebasket.
    Convenient unless you have dogs that sleep on your bed and you have to wash the stupid thing all the time.
    Handfull of carrots and half a pound of bacon.
    Cable bill; you can enjoy it longer.
    College fund.
    Seize the day.
    Pay taxes.
    Eat slowly and enjoy.
    Est slowly and share the last piece.
    Independent thinking is OK but kids NEED discipline!
    Discuss feelings.
    Get a handle.

  21. Take it from me who spent the first 2/3 of my life in bangs. NO BANGS. NO BANGS. NO BANGS.

    Growing out bangs when you've decided you've had enough of the look and maintenance work = Months of awkward hair, barrettes, pins, headbands, and blackmail photos.

  22. Bangs or no bangs? If you still have hair, does it really matter?

    Paper or plastic? We use both.

    The Duvet: Convenient bed topping or the world's biggest pillowcase? World's biggest pillowcase

    Handful of carrots or pound of bacon? Carrots!!

    Paris or Nicole? Can we just pay the bus drive to hit them both??

    Twenty minutes on the treadmill or Number 2 combo with extra cheese? Treadmill!!

    Cable bill or Number 2 combo with extra cheese? #2 Combo with cheese

    College fund or Plasma screen? college fund

    Seize The Day or stay in bed? Sieze the day (after it is fully throttled then recline in the bed!)

    Candy Corn: Candy, corn or addictive crack substitute? Neither!!

    Pay quarterly taxes or stick it to the man? Since the man always gets his pound of flesh in the end, pay the taxes.

    The man: Boxers or briefs? Combo of both!!

    Eat slowly to become aware when you're full or cram your piehole like there's no tomorrow? Cram the piehole. Who truly knows what tomorrow brings?

    Eat slowly or get to the extra piece of steak before your husband? You should chew slowly and savor the flavor...

    Recognize defiance as independent thinking and reward accordingly or recognize modern parenting as a bunch of hooey and withhold allowance? Combine both! You're a parent and it is your perogative!

    Discuss feelings or slam cupboards and bang pots in the kitchen? Who has to fix the broken cupboards?

    Get a handle on PMS with diet and rest or lash out and sob uncontrollably? If by lashing out I will be victimized, I am all for diet and rest!

    White or red? Both Movies were Great!!

    Cabernet or chianti? After 3 glasses, who really cares?

  23. I vote for all the gluttonous, narcissistic (damn that's hard to spell) options.

  24. It took me the longest time to figure out where Nicole is on a map...Jeez how out of the loop am I??? Can we say sleep deprived mother of eight??? Seriously, for what it's worth, I vote for going to Paris!

  25. Since it's a voting day....

    NO on Bangs
    YES on Paper
    YES on Oversized-pollowcases
    YES on Bacon
    NO on Paris AND Nicole
    YES on Extra cheese
    YES again on Extra Cheese!
    YES on Cable bill in order to watch something while eating Extra Cheese
    YES on College Fund
    YES on Candycorn
    YES on Stick it to the Man
    NO on Boxers and Briefs
    YES on Cramming Pieholes
    YES on withholding allowance
    YES on slamming cupboards
    YES on lashing out during PMS
    NO on White
    NO on chianti and fava beans

    Thank you.
    "I VOTED"

  26. -no bangs
    -paper is probaly better but they do make plastic bags that are degradable so either is your choice
    -I like duvets
    -how about a little of both=carrots and bacon
    -I like Nicole but they're both useless members of society
    -you can do both treadmill then eat the combo
    -definitely cable bill
    -college fund for sure
    -STAY IN BED!!!
    -stick it to the man
    -eat slowly
    -hmmmm, I would be unqualified to answer parenting questions since I don't have any kids yet
    -slamming things while dscussing feelings works for me
    -sobbing can be good for you
    -white in the summer, red in the winter
    -skip the wine, go for the vodka

  27. I like Peetsmom's voting-themed comment.

    On that note, I vote YES on whichever or these options are more enjoyable, unhealthy and decadent.

    Don't forget to vote!


  28. I'm so glad I read your blog AND your comments. Your readers have answered my questions too. No bangs for round face--OK!!
    Oh you want my opinion? White AND red, cabernet AND chianti, slam cupboards THEN discuss feelings later, withhold the allowance, and skip the candy corn altogether and go for the 80% cocoa-dark chocolate, preferably WITH the cabernet. Oh and NEITHER Paris or Nicole. I mean, who in real life, person not hotel, has a name like Paris Hilton? She belongs on that website "Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing." And it's obviously affected her, to where she thinks of herself as furniture and her skin as wallpaper orange.
    Oh and always stay in bed.

  29. I almost got bangs a couple of weeks. Thank god I came to my senses just before the snip.

    Paper - the bags stand up instead of unleashing a torrent of groceries in the car.

    I have a love/hate relationship with duvet covers, but that's still what I use because of dirty kitty toes.

    Bacon all the way

    Paris and Nicole both need to die

    combo meal

    college and plasma screen (tv's are getting cheaper)

    sieze the day

    candy named after corn is icky

    quarterly taxes (audits sound too scary

    cram your piehole and don't share the steak

    withhold allowance and maybe make them write lots of sentences

    slam cupboards (but not the ones full of delicate things)

    lash out with PMS


    beer is better

  30. I would just say the cabernet, then the rest will fall into place. (enough of it and you won't even care about the rest)

  31. Bangs!

    plastic - Hello! It has handles...

    The Duvet: Convenient bed topping -you can wash it and change it a busy mom's nobrainer


    Nicole - not a whore

    Number 2 combo with extra cheese

    Number 2 combo with extra cheese

    Plasma screen - I paid for my college, they can pay for theirs.

    Seize The Day!

    addictive crack substitute

    Pay quarterly taxes - or you will go to jail and live with Richard Hatch!!!

    The man: Boxers!!

    Eat slowly to become aware when you're full - too many nights cradling pepto bismol...

    get to the extra piece of steak before your husband - just to piss him off

    recognize modern parenting as a bunch of hooey and withhold allowance - Exhibit A - Paris

    slam cupboards and bang pots in the kitchen - you'll feel better faster

    sob uncontrollably - same as above


    Cabernet - if you have to

    I think it's sad that I just took your request so literally!!! :) But I'm a sucker for these survey thingys

  32. If you have curly hair like I do bangs aren't really bangs, they're more like tubes, or sausages. I have photo evidence. No bangs.

  33. Those are some pretty deep questions, I'm not sure I'm qualified to direct such life changing decisions. I recuse myself.

  34. World's biggest pillowcase, for sure. : )

    Too bad you don't need any more sleep advice, because I'm putting a series of posts up on my blog this week about getting children to sleep.

    Cool site, just discovered it.

  35. Here's my advice: if you ever have to choose a combo with cheese or ANYTHING else, choose the combo with cheese, you can never go wrong that way. :)And the same goes for candy, always, always choose the candy.

  36. I'll only weigh in on the really important ones:

    NO bangs.


    And I'm late to the weighing in on M. party, but I'll echo what others have said: that girl needs you. And if she's managed to turn out cool despite her from-hell mom, she also totally deserves you.

    As the daughter of a crazy, off-putting dad, I am glad that so many good people reached out to me despite how bizarre my father could be sometimes.

  37. Duvet for sure. No sheets, makes making bed easy.

    20 minutes on treadmill, get away from that damn burger girl!

    Red or white, whatever you are pouring....

    PS. I could not stop thinking about that friend of Kira's.....glad you got the support you wanted.

  38. Ohhh. Those are tough. I'm going with Bangs, bacon, Combo with extra cheese, plasma screen, stay in bed, candy corn AND crack, and cram your pie hole there's no tomorrrow. ALso, withhold allowance -- use extra money to buy more candy or another Combo with cheese, and slam cupboards because "HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID!"

    Oh and on the white or red? BOTH!

  39. Wise man once told me that if you cannot choose between two things - neither of them is the right one !

  40. No bangs. They take forever to grow back. And then some.
    Throw them both back
    Tough call. Food.
    Plasma. Tell them they need to work hard to earn a scholarship.
    Stay in bed.
    Addictive crack substitute.
    Quarterly; it will come back to bite you otherwise.
    Eat slowly.
    Eat slowly and take the bigger portion of ice cream.
    Withhold allowance.
    Discuss feelings. Loudly.


  41. What's with the knocking the bangs, people! Yes, bangs! BANGS! BANGS!

  42. As a dietitian, I BEG you to write the green poop book. I can't even tell you how many phone calls I field on that question.

    No. They're not dying.

    Yes. Yours are green, too, sometimes.

  43. You have single-handedly listed ALL of life's most pressing questions. Nicely done.

  44. The man: boxers, no question. They're SO sexy! and so less "little-boy" looking (although, my little boy has always gone for boxers. and is WAY cute in them! :-) )


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