Tuesday, May 02, 2006

I Am Too Tired To Title This Post.

Whenever I tell anyone that I work for myself, usually their response is, "Aren’t you lucky. All that free time." This usually makes me laugh so hard I need to summon my cabana boy to hand me a hankie. But I feel it's about time to come clean, to give everyone a glimpse into my secret world, my days fueled by martini lunches and caviar binges while lying naked on my mink couch watching Oprah on my diamond-encrusted TV.

Come join me, won’t you?

I spent last Thursday finishing up a job I had been working on for the past two weeks. Unfortunately this meant that I had to cancel my manicure, pedicure and aura cleansing I had scheduled for that day. Around two o’clock I suddenly remember I have children, and after taking one last sip of cognac from my glass slipper I hop in the Bentley and run off to retrieve them.

As soon as we get home my client is calling with revisions on the job I just finished. I attempt to work while simultaneously acting as jumprope-turner and patron at an imaginary restaurant. I realize that the chances of finishing my job become slimmer as evening progresses and homework, dinner and clean-up approach. I regret firing the cook, the maid and the private tutor that morning.

The same client calls to tell me he has another job for me, this one due on Monday. My eyes glaze over thinking about the money to be made and I decide to make my design staff work the weekend, abandoning their families just to fill my coffers. After hanging up I realize I have no design staff to speak of and it will be me working over the weekend, abandoning my family to fill my own coffers. I resolve to drink heavily.

I work furiously Friday morning in order to steal away later that afternoon for a haircut that has been cancelled twice. I finish the job and send it off, just as my accountant calls to tell me that my sales tax return needs to be picked up, signed and mailed with a check by Monday. I agree to swing by that afternoon, and remember this promise as my head is being lowered into a shampoo bowl at the salon. Postpone accountant. Deeply regret firing chauffeur and personal assistant last week.

Numerous emails await me upon my return home, containing revisions to job #1, and also inquiries as to the progress of job #2 due on Monday. I lie boldly and say it’s "coming along nicely" when in fact I can’t even remember what the project description is. The light, perky feeling from my 90-minute-old haircut quickly fades when I get another call from the client telling me that document size on job #1 is wrong, and I need to revise and upload a new document that evening. I call for my barista to whip me up a cappuccino. When no one answers, I reluctantly make one for myself.

Begin planning for gathering that I am hosting on Sunday for my family, all 21 of them. I yell at the catering staff to get moving, but this only angers my husband, sister-in-law and children who threaten to walk out.

Work Friday night until 2:30am Saturday morning and upload files with a note that asks, "Is that Monday deadline flexible?" I receive no reply and imagine the client is laughing so hard he cannot type out a response.

Sleep in on Saturday morning and feel guilty, imagining my children will tell their friends, "Mommy has wine and then doesn't wake up the next day. Says she's been working." I spend half of the day cleaning and preparing for the upcoming gathering and the other half thinking of a way out of my Monday deadline, everything from, "My computer caught on fire" to "Yes, it seems I am the first case of bird flu in this country."

The party goes on all day Sunday, and most of the evening is spent cleaning up. Once again am remorseful that I sent the maid packing and have pangs of regret over my winning lottery ticket that I donated to charity.

I finally start working on my job at around 10pm.

I work until 4:00am Monday morning.

I email the layout and get to sleep by 4:30am.

Get up at 7:15 to get the girls ready for school. I receive an email from the client saying he loves the layout.

I receive another email from him saying that, though he still loves the layout, there are revisions. Also reminds me that he is waiting for the second part of the job. And also, expect further revisions on job #1 that was uploaded on Friday night. I then receive a phone call from the girls' school reminding me of the staff luncheon for 100 people that the PTA is hosting on Tuesday. I decide to run away to Vegas, but look out into driveway and realize someone has stolen my Bentley and replaced it with a minivan.

And then? Then I see this email from the witty Stacy of Another Mommy Moment, who describes herself as a "real-life desperate housewife." She tells me that she has nominated my post for the Perfect Post Award. My day gets better. To thank her I consider sending over an elaborate gift basket filled with spa certificates, candles and chocolate but realize that I am broke after making my sales tax payment. I curse the government, but am still in a jovial mood and decide my writing staff deserves a treat, and I lay myself down on the couch just in time to catch Oprah.

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56 comments:

  1. Ha! I knew you WAHMs were really living the good life, but I had no idea to what degree till just now.

    Maybe I'll start working from home too. It can't be all that hard to bathe and groom dogs who really don't want to be here while a three year old holds on to my ankles asking for cheese sandwiches all day.

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  2. God Damn it - I KNEW that was what was going on in your house.

    And Emily also often sings the "My mommy has wine breath when she reads me my night time story" blues. I feel that it will be good fodder for her tell all book down the road, ala Mommy Dearest.

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  3. Um, I don't think I can read your blog again until your aura is cleansed. And seriously, you can't be that busy.

    ;)

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  4. Sweatpants Mom -- I am a WAHM too - have an event for 50 Fortune 100 CEOs in nine days, an 8 month old with an ear infection who can't stop throwing up and a nearly two year old who only does the opposite of what I need him to do. I KNOW you can be that busy and I am too. I SHOULD be sleeping, not reading blogs, but my husband is watching some crap called THE UNIT in our bedroom. The previous comment came from a person who has NO idea. None. I'm with you sweatpants! - Oh, The Joys!

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  5. Dude. Please send your aura cleanser over when you're done. I SO need one.

    Congrats on the PP... and take it easy there lady!

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  6. I hear ya. Living the "good life" staying at home/working at home can be so rough, what with the full-time live-in Nanny, the housecleaner, and the personal chef. Oh, wait, scratch that. That's not my life, shit. I forgot.

    You know, in the midst of all the chaos of working for myself, and the hell that it can be, seriously, I'd never trade it. (did i really just say that?)However, hiring full-time help would be a nice addition...

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  7. That's one big O you TOTALLY worked for!

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  8. Wow I started sweating just reading everything you did this weekend. Pheww. Hope you get more relaxation in next weekend!

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  9. it's really sad that you have to drive your own bentley dammit. shouldn't you have a driver pick the kids up? LOL

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  10. All in a day of the self emplyed.

    Who says no deadlines?

    Cheers!

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  11. Oh god, YES. Yes, working from home still means STILL fucking working extremely hard. Yes. Thank you.

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  12. Congrats on the Perfect Post! And for having the wherewithal to allow your writing staff a good dose of Oprah.

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  13. No-one really knows how evil a boss can be until they have worked for themselves.

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  14. *LOL*
    You are hilarious!
    Congrats on the perfect post award....well deserved. :)

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  15. *phew!*

    That DEFINITELY deserves a Perfect Post award!

    Excellent.

    (But how did yu get time to write it?)

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  16. Wow. I think I'm going to have to go back to bed after reading this. Do you think you can send your personal masseuse over to relax me a bit before I nap?

    Congrats on the perfect post. I hope you have other bright spots (like relaxation) in your week!

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  17. I'm laughing my self-employed ass off! Ain't it fun being your own boss? (Which really means everyone but you is your boss.)

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  18. I'm amazed you find any time to write this darned blog, what with having to hire and fire and all that staff (its so hard to find good help), standing in line at the convenience store for lottery tickets, and wine binges. :)

    Congrats on the perfect post. You deserve it!

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  19. My favorite part about working from home is that everyone assumes you don't work! Life is crazy sometimes. Hang in there. I see you haven't lost your sense of humor.

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  20. Oh my god, I'm exhausted just reading that.

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  21. all I can say is "Holy. Moly."

    and as someone said above, where to you even find the time to write?? are you a 200WPM kind of gal?

    congrats on the nod. Well deserved.

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  22. As a fellow WAHM, I am filled to the brim with empathy. When my husband asks me what he can do for me during really busy work times, I always tell him, "Get me the nanny. And the maid. The cook, too, and my personal assistant. Where are they? Did they all call in sick or something?"

    (And he laughs, because he thinks I'm joking . . . )

    In fact you are making me feel incredibly lazy because I decided not to actively seek any writing projects this month so I could get some random home improvement projects done around the house / do birthday stuff for my son and my husband without interference. And I'm still feeling too busy lately to blog.

    You are a superhero!

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  23. I can only assume that you are a graphic designer too? The horror!! I will send my staff over to help you. Bwahahahahaha....

    Hang in there. That deadline will go away with alcohol.

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  24. I will return the Bentley as soon as I've gotten tired of it. You don't really need it anyway...
    You are a busy busy woman. I bow to you for doing all that, because working my 40 hour week seems hard enough for me while balancing the family and the home.

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  25. you know, i simply can't tell you how much i regret "letting go" my personal cook, house cleaner, personal assistant, and email spam deleter.

    that entry just made my day, because I am right there with you. (and yet, here I am commenting on your blog. hmmmm.) not a WAHM, but working with a bunch of disfucntional colleagues and whiney clients right now--make me want pull my HAIR out.

    when they want revisions (I work on design partly) I want to say NO! NO YOU CAN"T. GIMME MORE MONEY, AND THEN LET'S TALK. K?? Go'way.

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  26. great blog SPM! yesterday's client request to turn an understated piece into a tacky, garish nightmare (from someone for whom rainbow animated gifs were invented) made me wish i worked for myself... but i guess there are those issues no matter who you're employed by. and gingajoy, i'm SO right there with you on the hairpulling!

    hang in there, and when in doubt, go for that next glass of vino ; ) concern for future hangovers is for sissies.

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  27. Sometimes [hair flick] it is so hard to be a graphic designer with all this big money rolling in. I only wish my beautiful fake nails didn't keep getting caught in my keyboard and I have to go back for constant touch ups. I only really bummed that my bewitched nose isn't working on cleaning my kitchen and finishing my website design.

    SURE mr. cornhole client ... you want to wait 3 more weeks and then post a rush. No problem. I think that May 30th due date is so wrong. I am right there to be your designo-bzzatch!

    On a serious note ... do they make baby sling attachments for the Mac? Is the dual-lactation station
    out yet? I heard it is MIGHTY fast and ... oh never mind.

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  28. I'm with you, Momma. It ain't easy being a working parent. I was just bitching about this very same topic the other day with my foodtaster.

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  29. Holy shit - thanks for mentioning me! I was so enjoying this post and then I read MY NAME and it was just the icing on the cake. You are an inspiration to me. I only wish I could be half as clever in my writing! Oh and if you ever get tired of that cabana boy, send him over.

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  30. SHit,
    I am tired just reading that. I am pretty convinced that you should apoligize to the maid and chaffuar and re-hire them immadeatly. ;)

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  31. I operated/owned a biz years ago. I found it to be sucky.

    Yup. No vacation time, sick pay. You're doing it all yourself.

    Glad you posted about that...

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  32. Somebody stole my Bentley and replaced it with a minivan too! The bastards.

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  33. Did you say you hopped on Bentley?
    Who is Bentley? Sounds like fun. You really DO have a great job. :)

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  34. Oh do I feel your pain- having worked for myself my entire career I love those comments from friends. Once someone told me they couldn't wait to have kids and go freelance because then they would have time to learn to bake- HA!

    I know the Mommy drinks scenario too. Once on the playground after a talk about how we don't call people stupid and we don't hit, my daughter points at me from on top of the jungle gym and says "That's my mom, she always calls me stupid right before she hits me." Then she lets out this evil little giggle. I almost DIED- parents were looking at me pulling their children in close. On the way home we had a talk about not making up stores that will have the DCS coming for a visit.

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  35. Girl you are crazy staying up that late!!! I hope you charge a lotta money!

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  36. I'm dead from just reading that.

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  37. It amazes me that anyone would think working for herself is a cushy life. I always assume the opposite. "Oh she works for herself, so she's working twice as hard to get her business established and oh, she's a woman, too, so she has to work even harder than that." So see? There are some people who give you credit and don't even tell you.

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  38. Where is the part about whiny, annoying clients that don't really know what they want and expect you to be a PSYCHIC designer? Oh wait...that's MY life as a WAHM. Never mind :)

    Congrats on your Perfect Post!

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  39. First of all, congrats on your perfect post nomination!

    Yeah, being a work at home mom isn't as easy as everyone thinks. I can relate to those sleepless nights, all the multitasking, and craziness!

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  40. You know what? I think I have the same diamond-encrusted TV! I watch HGTV on it all day when I'm supposed to be working. Then I shake dice for awhile with the guys on the corner.

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  41. Yeah, that sounds about right. If life gives us a free moment, we quickly fill it up.

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  42. try explaining who oprah is in italy. THEY DON'T CARE!!! can you believe that?? if they only knew...

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  43. LMAOF congrats on the perfect post—well deserved. So tell me, do you refrigerate or freeze your bon bons?

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  44. Don't fire your personal blog post writer, she's good! =oP

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  45. Congrats on the Perfect Post! My husband owns his own business and people have no idea how busy he is...he eats, breathes, sleeps work. Now excuse me while I take a nap at my desk...your post wore me out! :)

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  46. Fire the chauffeur...fire the main...fire the PA...and hire Kiyomi.

    She's definitely smart enough and still young enough to perhaps not know the words "minimum wage."

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  47. I don't know anyone who works for themselves that has more free time than those of us who schlep for THE MAN.

    Hopefully what you have that we schleppers do not is: Job Satisfaction. At least some of the time.

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  48. I've always thought working for yourself would be harder because there would be less people to rely on, you'd have to force yourself to work on those days that you didn't want to and there would always be temptation.
    Or in your case, lots of work.
    Cheers.

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  49. Oh, we have to hang out. I don't know anyone else with a Bentley !

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  50. You need to have your manicurist live with you so you can work and have your feet massaged, lotioned and polished at the same time. At least, that's what i do.

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  51. But did you lay yourself down to watch Oprah on a diamond encrusted TV while lying naked on your mink couch?

    Because only THEN will you really have lived.

    PS, you forgot to mention that on top of everything else, you came up with a fabulous invention for creative knitters- the baby bottle cozy.

    Smirk.

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  52. I'm self-employed too and I can sympathize. It's hard work! Excellent post.

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  53. Congrats on:
    1) perfect post, which is deserved for more than just that one
    2) for having 57 (now 58) comments on this post
    3) for somehow, despite all of this, making the time to write about it beautifully and with your usual wit and wisdom. You're right, we ARE sharing the same circle of hell right now. I went to a benefit last saturday night and stayed two hours. I couldn't even enjoy it because I was so stressed about what I had to do/didn't do/didn't do well.

    Hang in there mama.

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  54. All I can say is "Glam-or-ous!". Loved your post. I have been tossing around the idea of starting my own business, so I found it particularily interesting (scary as hell)!

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  55. Right on, sister. You nailed it. Thank God for wine and coffee, that's all I can say. Congrats on your Perfect Post.

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  56. This is my first visit to your blog and let me say, Bravo. I can see why you were nominated.

    Laughed my considerable ass off.

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