Let's Do This Again Never.

I saw a friend last week who told me he had broken up with his girlfriend. I gave my condolences and then immediately high-fived him and began rolling on the ground in joyous rapture. I had never warmed to her, and my friend confessed that the relationship had been an extremely stressful one. It brought back memories of a recent outing with them, after which Rigel and I came home, curled into the fetal position and sobbed and prayed we would never see her again.

We had attended an event together, the four of us. I had to sit next to her, bookended by our Men. I think they do this on purpose, The Men, to teach The Women a lesson, that it is not such a good idea to go out in couples, that they are best left to their manly outings. So that, if things don't go well with the other Woman, you will say to him, "Oh, let's not go out with other couples! You should just go out with the guys, and do manly things." This is what I think.

That night, in review:

Her: Oh hello. I will set the tone for the evening by insulting you within the first five minutes of our greeting. Now hear my insensitive comment about you which displays my ignorance. Snort! I will laugh at my own cleverness, and will ignore your piercing stare.

Me: You are truly boorish and immature. I intensely dislike you with all the force of my being. I will use my body language to convey this. See my crossed arms and how I lean away from you! As if you are covered in raw sewage.

Her: I am too self-absorbed to interpret body language! I will now show how insecure I am by dropping names and monopolizing the conversation. In between I will berate my boyfriend because I truly feel superior to him and need to demonstrate this.

Me: I am imagining a band of wild monkeys jumping on you and eating your head. Guffaw!

Her: I mistake your laughter for amusement at my meaningless banter. I will continue to talk incessantly.

Me: I am no longer listening. I am staring past you at the man with the martini. How I desire to be numbed against your offensive behavior by the warm arms of gin.

Her: Your vacant stare signals to me intense interest. My one-sided conversation will continue unabated. My boyfriend is attempting to speak so I must interrupt him and make him feel as if he has no penis.

Me: I will attempt to speak to your boyfriend in order to form an alliance against you. Hello! Please talk to me! Be not afraid!

Her: Do not speak to my boyfriend! He has not secured the proper permission to speak! I am the interesting one here! Me! Me! Me!

Me: I am wondering if I reach into your throat and remove your voice box with my bare hands, will you cease talking? I think not. Sigh.

Her: Your sigh signals to me compassion! I like you! I will order my boyfriend to arrange another meeting between us.

Me: The evening is ending and my joy is unbounded. Escape from your clutches is imminent now, and I will eagerly return home to my children who are half as needy and twice as cute.

Her: I must hug you goodbye. We will get together again soon!

Me: Not in a million fucking years.

Archive File: Cranky | Married | This Life

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