When Phones Attack

We have this thing at home called a landline. It's stupid. Not only is it connected to the biggest phone you've ever seen in your life, but you can't even check your email, or update your Facebook status on this thing. What kind of genius invented this phone that is only good for making calls? It doesn't even have a camera. Stupid phone.

I hardly even answer this phone anymore, because the only people who call on this number are people trying to sell me something or people who accidentally dial our number when they're looking for their pot dealer. A few weeks ago I answered it and someone asked for 'Cy' (or was it, 'Sigh'?) I told the guy he had the wrong number and then he became belligerent, like I was lying or trying to keep him from talking to Cy/Sigh and maybe cut in on his pot deal. He never actually said the words 'pot' or 'deal' – he just said, "Bitch!" and then hung up – but I know what he was thinking.

My mother also calls me on this number, which led to the single most ridiculous incident of 2012 (so far.) I recently recorded a new outgoing message with my voice, replacing the one of Rigel's voice that had been on there for the past few months. For some reason my mom thought this was a sign that we had gotten divorced, and I had to assure her that this was America in the 21st century and that women were allowed to have their voices represent the household, at least on a phone machine and as long as they ended the message with a high-pitched giggle and the words, "Husband is King!"

(I know everyone is getting rid of their landlines, but we're hanging on to ours since we figure if there's some sort of catastrophic cell outage, or a monster sun flare it will be good to have a landline handy. Unless there's a meteor, in which case we're screwed.)

But tonight was the last straw. Around seven o'clock the phone in my office started ringing, and I decided to answer it because, what sales person or druggie is going to call me that late? (Okay, maybe the druggie, but I didn't want to make any more enemies.) As I was bringing the receiver to my ear I accidentally whacked myself in the face with it, and after blaming Rigel and the kids (all of whom were out of the house at the time) I started yelling at the phone and cursed its mother. Luckily it was only a recording, but I think I made my point.

Anyway, I've decided to never, ever answer this phone again. So if you want to get in touch with us, call our cell or knock on our door. (Just kidding - don't ever, under any circumstances, come over unannounced.) I think we may even just change the number, which means the telemarketers and the pot dealers are going to have to work extra hard to find me. Cy/Sigh, I hope you're listening.

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Los Angeles Times, I Just Can’t Quit You

I wrote this post for MomsLA. Rigel and I are scaling down our L.A. Times subscription, and I'm finding that my morning coffee doesn't taste nearly as good without the smell of newsprint.

I’ve been reading the Los Angeles Times for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I recall my parents bringing the paper in from the front porch and reading it every morning. I would wander in and go straight for the Calendar section, which back then was the size of a large magazine and as thick as the entire paper is now. I’d take it back to my room, sip a Cactus Cooler and circle all the concerts I wanted to go to. Elton John at Dodger Stadium. Earth Wind and Fire at the Forum. I’d sit in my room and calculate how many macrame belts I’d have to sell to afford a $15 loge seat. Read More...

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Can you believe I saw 'The Avengers'

Sometimes I like to shock my family by saying things like, "Wake me up early" or "No more coffee for me" or "Let's go see 'The Avengers!'" That last one really threw them for a loop, since it's obvious the movie wasn't my usual fare, which is a love story centering around a couple exploring their feelings, or best friends fighting over a man, or parents trying to find balance in their life while at the same time dealing with their daughter's first boyfriend in a bittersweet story of young love. Now you know why I've seen 'Love Actually' fifty-four times.

But I'd heard lots of good things about 'The Avengers', and I figured any movie that's already made a bazillion dollars must have some redeeming qualities. Also, any movie with Robert Downey Jr. was fine by me, even if he didn't spend half the movie exploring his feelings.

My honest opinion: I liked, but didn't love it. Rigel liked it a little more than me, but neither of us loved it as much as the girls, who spent the entire ride home discussing the abundance of 'hot guys' in the movie, and saying things like, "HIS FAAAACE!! Whyyyyy!" and talking passionately about the intensity of Jeremy Renner's eyes. (They seemed completely nonplussed when they googled his age and found out he was 41, which worries me.)

It was actually Kiyomi's third time seeing the film and she was still enthusiastic about it. She saw a rough cut a couple of months ago and then again at a screening a few weeks before the film was released, via her best friend's mom who works for Disney. She gave Kiyomi this jacket that got a lot of attention (from boys, of course) in the lobby at the ArcLight when we went to see the movie. As you can imagine she guards it with her life:

I think my underwhelming response to the movie is that I'm just not an action-film or superhero-film type of person. But I can see why everyone else loved it – the star power, the snappy dialogue, and even I was pretty excited when all those guys in weird costumes kicked the bad guys' ass. Now if they can just work in a bittersweet love story into 'Avengers 2', I'll be there.

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If you're one of the five people left on the planet who hasn't seen 'The Avengers' or would like to see it again, here's a coupon for a discount ticket to see it at the El Capitan Theatre on Father's Day.

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Not what I thought it would be

I wrote the post below three years ago, right before Kira was about to turn thirteen. I just came across it again, and felt like I had to re-post it. At the time I was filled with dread, visions of a teenage apocalypse running through my brain. I thought I was about to fall into the abyss, plunging into a world of teen pregnancy, tongue piercings and secret boyfriends. I imagined my beautiful daughter suddenly morphing into a dark, sullen creature who spent days locked in her room scrawling Black Sabbath lyrics on her arm with a Sharpie while I curled up into a ball and sobbed in the hallway.

Well, none of that came true. (Except for the sobbing in the hallway part, that is, although that's usually due to my internet being down or my inability to find a lint roller.) Both my girls are teens now, and are happy, well-adjusted kids with tons of ambition and great friends. The teenage apocalypse never came, and although there's lots of time for things to take an unexpected turn, I truly feel we're on a good path. And besides - they don't even like Black Sabbath.

(And get this – a couple of years after I wrote this post Kiyomi ended up taking drama lessons from Evan Rachel Wood's mom. If that isn't a circle-of-life moment I don't know what is.)

Flung into the mosh pit of teendom 

Five years ago a friend and I went to see the movie Thirteen .  It starred Evan Rachel Wood as a seemingly well-adjusted thirteen-year-old who falls into the wrong crowd and is seduced by a world of drugs, sex and petty crime.  At the time, my oldest daughter was seven and my friend’s daughter was five, but we both sat hunched in the theater, watching most of the movie through our fingers and horrified at what certainly would be our future.  I think it was the first time ever that I didn’t finish my tub of popcorn, and we both sat frozen, occasionally turning to each other saying hysterical things like, “I’m totally going to check her for piercings!“ and “No sleepovers ever!”  Forget Saw, or Halloween or any of those other horror movies; this was hands down the scariest film I had ever seen.

As you can imagine the movie didn’t let up in its gloomy portrayal of teen life.  And as we all know, Wood went on to date Marilyn Manson, and then was recently seen locking lips with Mickey Rourke. Oh wait – that was in real life.  Doesn’t matter – by the end of the movie my friend and I were convinced that the only sane choice we had was to invest in a couple of sturdy chastity belts and lock our girls in the house until they turned 30. 

Fast forward  five years and here I am, with a daughter that is about to turn the big 1-3 in just two months.  I’m happy to say she didn’t turn out anything like the girl in the movie; she gets straight A’s, has a group of nice, loyal friends and her interests lie more in music and art than in boys and piercings.  But I can’t help but feel she’s on the brink of a huge change, one that I don’t feel my husband and I are quite ready for.  Looking back, every milestone up until now – learning to walk, starting kindergarten, graduating to middle school – while huge, didn’t seem to be as heavy with the prospect of upheaval as becoming a teenager does.  And no surprise, since everything tells us that the teen years are some of the most difficult to navigate.  We’ve all heard the phrase, “Just wait till they become teenagers!” since our kids were born, and every show we see on TV depicting teen life makes it seem as if they’re all a bunch of hormone-crazed, drugged-out, skateboarding miscreants who like nothing better than to make their parents’ lives a living hell.  Why, if I didn’t know any better I’d think it was perfectly common for your fifteen-year-old to come home and announce they were moving in with their 35-year-old gym teacher.

My husband and I keep saying to each other, “So far, so good,” but as it inches closer to her thirteenth birthday our words are beginning to sound more like a panicked question than a comforting thought.  In other words, it’s really sounding more like, “So far she hasn’t told us she hates us or gotten a secret tattoo or stolen our booze but who knows what’s going to happen next week?”  See what I mean? Not comforting at all.

But seeing as I never got around to inventing that time machine, and altering a birth certificate is a crime, there’s no avoiding our beautiful daughter’s leap into the teenage years.  We’ll have to try our best to keep her on the right path, and trust that our parenting up until now has prepared her to make the right choices in life.  We're going to strive to keep the open, respectful relationship we've worked hard at cultivating, and hopefully by the time she's entered adulthood my husband and I will still be able to turn to each other and say, “So far, so good.”  And maybe then we'll even think about unlocking that chastity belt.

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'The Hunger Games' – Let The Giveaway Begin

Read my review of The Hunger Games on Celebrity Teen Scoop.
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Maybe you've heard of this little movie coming out called The Hunger Games. Just a small film, based on a book that sold a gazzilion copies and now has people everywhere eagerly anticipating the movie's release on March 23. There will be a tiny crowd waiting outside, only in the trillions.

To be honest, I've never read the books the movie is based on, but my teenagers have and are going to be amongst that thronging crowd on opening night. We've already got our tickets for the 12:10 showing, and they've got their excuses lined up to tell their teachers the next day explaining why they had to miss first period that morning – they had a fever. Hunger Games fever.

To get you infected with the fever (it's not as painful as it sounds, and I promise there's no blisters involved) I'm giving away a Hunger Games prize package...Click here to enter

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Broke and in love? Bring your Valentine to Cirque du Soleil's OVO for FREE!

A couple of weeks ago I was lucky enough to get invited to see Cirque du Soleil's latest production, OVO. I'm a big fan of Cirque du Soleil, but I have to admit to having a little bit of skepticism with each new show, wondering if they'll be able to top their previous production. Will the acrobats fly a little further, the jugglers juggle a little higher? I keep thinking the only way they'll outdo themselves is if they pick up the entire audience and hurl them into a huge waiting net in the parking lot, feed them dinner and then plunk them back into their seats.

Read more about the show and the FREE ticket here!

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Hollywood Swingin'

I've been humming Hollywood Swingin' – the old Kool And The Gang song – all night. I thought I'd share it just so there's someone else who has it embedded in their brain, compelling you to run out and buy a jumpsuit and a glitter headband. I'm assuming you know the song, or at least who Kool And The Gang is, but if not here's a video to school you. (Don't worry - I won't break into the story about how I saw them at the Greek Theater way back when and stood next to lead singer James 'JT' Taylor while I helped myself to some eggrolls in the green room. That story deserves its own post.)



But I'm getting off topic, because the main reason this song is running through my head is that when I got home this evening (after having dinner on Hollywood Boulevard) I saw the best news headline ever in the history of news headlines:

Cops hunt Catwoman, alien after Capt. Jack Sparrow hurt in Hollywood brawl

What.

The story is that several of the costumed characters that hustle tourists on Hollywood Boulevard got into a brawl, and eventually a man dressed as "Pirates of the Caribbean" character Capt. Jack Sparrow got pepper-sprayed. The three that Sparrow was fighting with – Catwoman, an alien and a second pirate – fled the scene and were being sought by police.

You would think they'd be easy to find, but you'd be surprised how many people you see dressed as Catwoman, an alien or a pirate just walking down the street. This is Hollywood, after all. I once stood in line at Starbucks on Sunset Boulevard behind someone dressed as Batman from the waist up, and a cowboy from the waist down. I'm pretty sure the Caped Crusader never wore fringed chaps with a codpiece.

I'll have to check the news to see if they ever caught Catwoman, the alien and the second pirate. I'm betting someone's already putting together a YouTube video of the three of them throwing a few punches at Jack Sparrow.

Hey, hey hey – what ya got to say? Hollywood swingin'.

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And visions of doppio-espresso-macchiatos danced in their heads

Happy Holidays! Nothing like an impersonal blog posting with an embedded photo to warm your spirits and convey the true meaning of the season!

Wishing you a wonderful holiday, and may it be filled with joy, health and the company of those you love.

And may you never be standing behind me in line at Starbucks because yes, it will seem like I'm ordering that many cups of coffee.

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Making me cry daily

Here's a short movie that Kiyomi made. The first time Rigel and I saw it, it made me want to cry (and Rigel, too.) Mostly out of pride, and partly because of the emotion she manages to evoke with the music and images. Also, I wasn't expecting something so polished since she set it up with "So, you wanna see my movie I made that kind of blows?" How can you not get emotional after that?



Production note: That round frame with the photo of the Eiffel Tower is what sat on top of our wedding cake some 18 years ago. More crying.

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Kiyomi made a film about pancakes why?

Kiyomi and her friend Maya made this cute little stop-motion film about making pancakes. Why pancakes? Because pancakes are awesome and tasty.



They used a still camera, painstakingly moving their props around in small increments and then shooting it frame by frame. It took them forever, much longer than it would take you to make a batch of pancakes in regular time. I think they even ate those pancakes, in spite of the fact that they had been touched and prodded for hours. Because you should never waste a good batch of pancakes. Why? Because pancakes are awesome and tasty.

But her next stop-motion film will be much, much easier. Why?...Read more...

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