Monday, April 11, 2005

Does This Ever Happen To You?
Huh? Does It? Does It?

So it’s Monday, and I’m thinkin’, hey – let’s get cranky! And I start remembering something that happened recently, and about what kind of people get me REALLY CRANKY. For some people it’s bad drivers, for others maybe it’s those people who stand right next to you and talk so loudly into their cell phone headsets that you turn around and go, "What? Are you talking to me?" and maybe for others it's those that BABBLE ON INCESSANTLY IN THEIR BLOGS, and yes, I agree these people are big Causers Of Crankiness and deserve to be flogged, but for me, hands down, it’s PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PEOPLE.

Now, we all know one of these. There is always one in every group, gathering, class, party, whatever, the one that I call the Passive Aggressive Loser, or PAL for short. Maybe you are the one, in which case look away, look away now.

And we all know the type. The one who can suck all the joy out of the room by their mere entrance, the one who spews toxic spittle in all directions like a broken sprinkler head, the one who gives you the undermining, backhanded 'compliment' and you're like, "Uh, right. THANKS" and then after you've walked away you realize that they were actually trying to drive a ten-inch Ginsu knife into your back. And then the PAL/DR sets in, (PAL/DR being short for Passive Aggressive Loser/Delayed Reaction) which means that not until they are too far away to hear is when you answer back, "You know, for some reason, whenever you open your mouth I'm reminded of my last visit to the zoo, when the baboon wouldn't turn around, and we had to keep looking straight up at his large, gaping butt, and someone remarked, 'Yeah, but that's the better looking side.'
Oh, and when I want your unsolicited, uninformed, uneducated opinion, I will come find your pathetic ass in the Loser aisle of Wal-Mart and ASK FOR IT."

Am I cranky enough yet? Okay then, let's continue.

Then other people, other people who know of this PAL and who have been victim of their PAL barbs, actually convince you to feel sorry for them. and rise above their boorish behavior. And you do start to feel sorry not only for them, but their spouse, and their children who will have to be raised by them and face a lifetime of their PAL comments, and you even start to feel sorry for their house, their car, their clothes that have to enclose such an unhappy human being, and don't forget about their chairs that groan and creak beneath the weight of such an ego. And you consider being nicer to them in the future, maybe even offer to babysit their kids, maybe invite them out to a dinner with you and your friends. And time passes, and you don't see them for awhile and your cold heart thaws just a little and you start to feel compassion for them.

But then they do it again. And you try, you try REAL HARD to call up those warm, fuzzy feelings and make excuses for their cretinous behavior, but you just can't. And now you know that the next time you see them you won’t be able to just smile and take it and you’re going to say what you really feel, something long overdue, something like, “Hey, you know what? I’m sorry you’re so insecure, I’m sorry you’re so intrinsically unhappy with your life, I’m sorry you've got the social grace of a diahrretic dog let loose on a nice, big, clean patch of lawn. But really, don’t take it out on me, because I’m tired of having to wipe your crap out of my hair. So, if you feel some sort of psychopathic need to keep making your comments, BRING IT ON, cause I'm SO going to enjoy watching you attempt to remove the delicate heel of my boot from your big ol' yap, PAL."

Does this ever happen to you or am I just being cranky?

Archive File: Cranky

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  1. I am so glad I live in Georgia and that I can safely assume it wasn't me you were talking about. Well at least not the fully grown, oh-so mature and finally secure with myself me.

    Life is too short and too precious to contend with folks like that.

    Heard a great one:

    If you can't change the people around you,
    Change the people around you.

  2. Cranky...but oh, so very truthful.


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