Somebody Help Me.
Somebody invent something to help me get into those jeans that, uhm, shrunk.
Like a giant shoehorn used in tandem with a quart of oil.
Do not suggest dieting. This interferes with my binge eating.
Suggestions of exercise will be met with peals of hysterical laughter. Followed by binge eating.
Any mention of elastic-waisted pants will cause me to slit my wrists.
Hydraulics may be in order.
Send help now.
GIANT SHOEHORN.
ReplyDeleteBWAHAAHAAAHAA!!!
Did you try the lay on the bed shimmy? Of course, once you get them on while laying on the bed it can be difficult to get back in the upright position. You might have to put a rope beside you to help you pull yourself up (or you could call the kids in to help you up).
ReplyDeleteyour name *is* SWEATPANTSmom, no?
ReplyDeleteretroactively, not much you can do (barring you know what you don't want to hear).
me personally, I buy things a little baggy for such an occassion.
also, I shop at places where I am a "smaller size" (yeah, don't *even* think about looking at me like you don't know what I mean). that at least helps the ego from committing suicide.
and finally, to quote some chick you probably don't even know from America's Next Top Model, when all else fails, "take a break; have a cookie!" sure, counterintuitive, but I enjoy it.
I personally like to do 200 sit-ups every morning to keep this from happening.
ReplyDeleteDid you see how I totally kept a straight face while typing that?
I deserve a cookie.
I hope you arent' referring to those GAP Size 2's?
ReplyDeleteYou forget I am an avid reader of "THE PANTS" and as I
just beginning to FEEL for you, I recalled your BORN AGAIN
GAP CONVERSION, and the miracle of the Size 2 Pants.
So, you get no sympathy from me with the widening of your size 2 ASS, and your future trip back to the GAP for the wiggle session into a gi-normous size 4. Oh, the horror.
Just eat about a cup of kosher salt washed down with 10 shots of tequila. You'll be so dehydrated the next morning there's no way those pants won't fit.
ReplyDeleteSlather butter all over your hips. You'll slide right into those jeans and you'll taste delicious, too.
ReplyDeleteI'll lend you my son. He's GREAT for the female ego. Just give him a cookie and it's like Pavlov's dog... he'll bop his head up and tell you how bootyful you look. He's five, by the way. So he actually pronounces it BOOTYful. Ain't that great?!
ReplyDeleteYou all are cracking me up. Cookies for everyone!!
ReplyDelete(Anonymous#2: My widening ass is perking up in indignation.) (AND I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!! i think.)
I say try on your husband's pants. This is a good trick to make yourself feel like a "tiny little lady." Unless of course your husband is actually tinier than you. Then you're screwed.
ReplyDeleteI love jess's mummification suggestion.
ReplyDeleteI suppose you could liven up the PTA meeting by going pantless. Then the googlers can find you by typing "Pantless Gagging Crack WHores"
You know you want the wow the Uber Mom's with your hoo-haw.
one week of coke-binging-gin-drinkin'-dancing like there's no tomorrow- will allow you to -re-enter safely in those jeans...
ReplyDeleteAnonymous 2. Yeah? What are my initials?
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm a bulimic who forgets to purge. Dammit. So my jeans and I are always fighting.
ReplyDelete