Friday, September 29, 2006

She Says Potato, I Say Pootie-Tang!

I'm a little on edge here, preparing for the momentous task of having The Talk with Kira. I guess part of me feels like life is happening a little too fast, that it seems like just yesterday I was reading her nursery rhymes and now I've got to explain to her how a bowling-ball-sized baby could possibly end up in mommy's stomach.

So you can understand my concern when Kiyomi comes out of nowhere yesterday with this:

"Mom, what's a ho?"

I'm in the kitchen, and the girls are in the living room reading. She says it so matter-of-factly that I'm certain she knows what it is and this is just her devious way of saying to me, "Lady, maybe you should re-think that halter top."

Either that or she had got a hold of my Missy Elliot CD and was reading the lyrics, in which case I knew it wouldn't be long before she asked me what "I put my thang down flip it an reverse it" means. I hurried into the living room.

Me: Excuuuuse me?

Kiyomi (holding up her homework:) I'm reading a story. ABOUT A GARDEN.

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45 comments:

  1. Hahahaha....a ho...too dam funny.

    You know maybe you should just have the talk with both of them at once. You know Kira's going to tell Kiyomi every thing you said, right? I mean shit, I would and proudly did (friends at the very least)when I heard the talk. Plus it would save you the trouble of doing it again in another two years. The when either of them have questions they'll know you'll tell them. Either way though, good luck.

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  2. That is beautiful. I think you'd better have The Talk soon, or else you're going to be hearing naughtiness wherever you go, you know.

    Last night my 6-year-old son helped me make homemade dough for pizzas. After it raised in the bowl, he was so proud of it. I told him to be sure not to push on it, because it would ruin the dough. But he insisted he just wanted to touch it. After a while of thinking on it, he came up with a new word for this, and he was eager to share it with his father. "Daddy!" he yelled from the kitchen. "Come and doink the dough!"

    And then there was the time when my 9-year-old daughter had been playing outside on her bicycle. And decided to try out a new phrase that I had no doubt used in front of her once, not expecting her to pick it up. "It gets me hot," she said. "And not in the good way."

    Ah, children.

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  3. You know what the best laughs are? The ones you have, while looking at your spouse, and you're trying as hard as you possibly can NOT to laugh, just after your toddler has said, "Penis."

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  4. Those garden tools can be so damn slutty these days.

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  5. LOL. Thank goodness clarified WHICH type of "ho" before you started in on an answer!

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  6. Rethink the halter top--ha!

    Oh, the joyful conversations we have.

    Just this week I had to correct my children's mistaken belief that if you flip someone off with your left hand it doesn't count. They thought it only was the bird if it was your right hand.

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  7. God, I love your blog. You crack me up.

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  8. That is too funny! Good luck with the talk. You are a cool mom, I learned about life via the schoolyard. My mom was too old fashion; waiting for me to get engaged and all. By the time I was 38, she gave up and figured I knew all I needed to by then.

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  9. That was LOL funny! I'm so dreading it for you. I mean, good luck!

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  10. "Ho's In The Garden." Isn't that a new rap song?

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  11. Next up, Kiyomi has a talk with Marsha about the appropriateness of the low riders and thong Marsha insists on wearing to the PTA meetings.

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  12. That's pretty funny...
    ...and "Sad-a-tay my Davie! Wad-a-ta!"

    (I lurv me some pootie tang!)

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  13. Sometimes I'm so glad I've already had the talk. I still remember feeling completely uncomfortable...like I was talking dirty or something to an innocent child. It took every fiber of my very being to not go into "And then, ohmygod, if you think the whole sex thing sounds creepy, well, you'll get a period sooner than you'll have sex, and if you don't think that's horrible, well, take my word for it, it sucks... big time...the period, not the sex."

    Of course, I read the books, learned the right words and presented it all in a matter of fact, this is no big deal kinda way. Inside I was feeling crazy.

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  14. Um, did I mention that I had the sex talk with my daughter 25 years ago. It's one of those memories that just won't go away.

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  15. This is soo funny.

    The other day I was leaving for work wearing a camisole under my jacket and my 8 yr. old says "Mom, you shouldn't wear your underwear to work."

    I guess there's a little bit of ho in all of us...

    -annie

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  16. Hmmm....are we a little on edge? I don't envy you having to have "the talk". Good luck. And if it goes well, maybe you could write a script up for the rest of us to use when our time comes.

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  17. Heehee. I just love this story.

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  18. Why don't I get so lucky? Driving to school one morning, my son recently asked me what that song "My humps" is about. And, after I tried figuring out who exposed his innocent, little six-year-old ears to it, I was ready to say it was a song about a camel. UNTIL my daughter chimed in from the backseat with "My lovely LADY lumps." Suddenly the camel story just sounded lame.

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  19. I said to my husband last night"look at those three cute kids, we made them?! My oldest who knows said "gross I don't want to think about you making us" Now I have to watch everything I say.

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  20. *snort*

    I love it.

    I'm still waiting for Hailey to ask me what Lady Lumps are.

    Truthfully I'm not even sure myself.

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  21. (-:

    Just found your blog. I am bookmarking it and coming back for more!

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  22. Tee hee hee! WHEW! Thank goodness that potential crisis was averted.

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  23. oh man, instant classic! between the missy elliot lyrics and the perfect final kiyomi quote... can't tell if i sucked more coffee into my nose or laughed more out onto my keyboard.

    thank you spm, thank you.
    -kb

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  24. My sister started asking my mom questions like, "what's a handjob?" after she heard Jay Leno make a joke about them on TV.

    Yep. I thought it was funny then.

    Now that I have a daughter, I'm hoping we can just skip that particular conversation.

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  25. All those damn hos hanging out in the gardens. We have that problem here in DC, too. I heard scarecrows do the trick.

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  26. Great post: girl.imp now wants to take showers with boy.imp (until now both hated showers) so she can 'play with 'boy.imp's' ting-ting'

    I can seriously rethink this not being single thing...

    So, what does 'I put my thang down flip it an reverse it' mean????

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  27. Wait, Nancy: don't you mean "ScareHos?" mwah-wah! (Couldn't resist.)

    Man, next thing you know she'll be wanting to know what a rake is. And then you'll have to tell her about Prince Harry's latest public foible.

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  28. *snort*

    Ho! Ha!

    I needed that laugh. Thanks!

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  29. ***LOL***
    That is why we as parents must NEVER make assumptions about something that comes out of our children's mouths! Hahahaha....this was so funny, though!

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  30. Reminds me of when my sister asked what a virgin was and my mother, who hated any talk of sex or body parts, told her that it was soil that hadn't been plowed or used for planting yet. Thank God your kid REALLY WAS asking about dirt and tools.

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  31. My son came home all upset because one of the boys in his class said that he (the boy) wanted to "get with" one of the girls...

    Jake didn't really know what "get with" meant, but he could tell by the way it was said that it was meant to be dirty... (or, dirrrrty if you are Xtina Aguilera)

    I guess we have to have the talk as well...

    Could you just videotape yours and I'll play it back?

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  32. Let us know who blushes more: you or her when the talk finally happens. ;)

    I've been through mine so I can giggle.

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  33. Those kids of yours are priceless!

    I can't wait for the next instalment :)

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  34. I'm not looking forward to "the talk" but I have quite a while- so I'll be coming back for pointers!

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  35. HA! Cute story :)

    I've already had the talk with my son who's 12. I was like "Dude, just dont get married anytime soon"

    For my daughter who's 6....

    "You are to touch no boys and come straight home from school until you're out of college."

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  36. awesome...what's a ho/e?

    I once asked, "Dad, what's a chastity belt?" And I remember jsut asking out of nowhere because I had heard the term (probably in soem weird mel Brooks-like flick, so old enough to figure out what "chaste" was.) But I also remeber the look on his face, and teh laughter that ensued. And the belt motion around the groin area as he tried to keep his shit together.

    Yes, ladies, the man raised a moron.

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  37. Oh gosh, that's too funny! ;)

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  38. That's way cute! How lovely that it turned out to be so innocent. "The talk" could have gone in so many different ways on that one.

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  39. There have been so many "close calls" with the boys in our house too -- and wouldn't you know it, when my oldest (9 1/2) breaks out the hard question of how the sperm gets to the egg, my husband was working. It wasn't that bad. I covered the basics, I didn't embarrass him, I told him about "wet dreams" so that he'd let me know if the sheets were dirty before I accidentally found them. I said if he had questions, Daddy would be happy to answer them later. He was fine with all of that, said it was "very interesting". But I felt so bad for him afterward, like something had changed and he was no longer my baby. Yeah, that and he said George W. Bush was his favorite non-family member person, yup that's not my baby anymore!

    Hang in there, it'll be better than you think! ;0)

    Carrie

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  40. Hilarious!! I mean...HOlarious!

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