We'll Have Our Cake And Eat It, Too.

As you know, I'm not much for tackling any important issues on this blog. Homelessness, poverty and oversexed Republican representatives take a back seat to any narcissistic stories revolving around my latest diet, grooming habits or too-cute-for-words anecdote about my kids. But when I see something that really riles me, that just screams injustice, I am forced to take action. Because this time, it's personal.

They're trying to take away our cupcakes.

According to this recent article* in the Los Angeles Times, some school districts are banning any non-nutritional treats from classroom parties. That would include birthday cupcakes, Halloween candy or little Susie's mom's killer caramel brownies. Instead, one district administrator suggests parents bring carrots.

Oh, yummmmm! Birthday carrots!

Now, I don’t know about your kids, but if I were to show up in either of my girls’ classrooms with a bag of carrots to celebrate their special day, I'd be beaten senseless by a mob of angry kids. And Kiyomi, while relaying the offense to her therapist in twenty years, would recognize it as a pivotal moment in her decision to jack a Hostess truck.

In fact, if I show up at any party bearing a platter of carrots, feel free to pull me aside and kick my ass.

Don't get me wrong - here at home we try our best to give our kids a healthy, balanced diet. We even have soy bacon in our freezer, right alongside the edamame and Boca Burgers. As they're getting older, we try to guide them towards making healthy choices for themselves. (Oh, alright. Except for this.) And I supported the ban on soda vending machines in our district schools – the daily presence of those big metal boxes was unnecessary and too great a temptation, sort of like putting a bacon dispenser outside my office door.

But the responsibility of my child's health is not the job of anyone else, especially the parents of my child's classmates. I trust my kids to exhibit some measure of self-control, so if Billy's mom wants to bring in birthday cupcakes smothered in buttery pink frosting and topped with chunks of sugar crystals and gummi bears, that's fine. My girls usually scrape off half the topping anyways, and will usually forego sweets for the rest of the day, telling me they're "all sugared out." And even when they do jump on that treat like a rottweiler on a pork chop, I'm not likely to become alarmed enough to call for a district-wide cupcake ban. More likely I'll ask them why they didn't save half of that monstrosity for me.

I realize there's growing concern over childhood obesity but I think it's a mistake to blame it on a few cupcakes consumed over a nine-month period. Most teachers I've seen have the foresight to make sensible recommendations: only one treat per child, and for classroom potlucks parents are encouraged to bring vegetable and fruit platters or sandwiches. I showed up at Kira's last classroom party with a tray of sushi which, along with other parents' offerings of dolmades and pupusas was appreciated by teachers and kids alike. But I know that we were all grateful that one of the mothers had the sense to show up with a tray of homemade churros for dessert.

Some administrators are suggesting alternate treats for the kids - stickers, school supplies, special seat covers (and sue me for having a perverse mind, but all I can picture are those things you find in public restrooms, only this one has "Happy Birthday Claire!" scrawled across it in crayon.) These are all good suggestions, but the idea of all my child's classmates singing 'Happy Birthday' to her while she blows out a candle stuck into an eraser just seems so wrong to me.

The article mentions that the Texas legislature passed the "Safe Cupcake" amendment last year, which guarantees parents' rights to deliver unhealthful treats to their children's classroom. This would ensure that anyone showing up at school bearing a platter of sninckerdoodles won't be fingerprinted, put into a headlock and escorted off the premises. I hope we won't have to go so far in our school, but if a ban on sweets appears on my district's horizon I'm prepared to fight tooth-and-nail for the cause.

Because if they want my cupcake, they'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.

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tags: lausd | kids | food

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