So, as I was quaffing down my fourth cup of coffee on an empty stomach this morning and perusing the latest internet news, I came upon this headline that almost made me cough up last night's dinner:
Oprah Gives 'O' Magazine Staffers $10k Each To Celebrate 10th Anniversary
The article goes on to say that she gave everyone an iPad, too. At this point I turned to my imaginary co-worker at my non-existent job and said, "That's it - I'm blowing this two-bit rug factory and going to work for Oprah." So Oprah, if you're reading, check out this list of reasons why you might want to put me on your payroll.
1)I'm a pretty decent writer. Don't let my lame blog postings, where I frequently misspell words and overuse commas, throw you. I'm so much better than that! Not to brag, but my writing has actually been hailed and received enthusiastically by a certain group of discerning readers. (I'm talking to you, Braten Street Elementary second-graders!)
2) You don't have to give me the $10k bonus. I would be more than happy with half that amount on the occasion of your 15th anniversary - I know the importance of showing gratitude. In fact, I once got a bonus that consisted of a Baskin-Robbins coupon and I was still thankful for my job. Although I did think the note on the back that said, "Here's what was left after we deducted all those pens you stole" was just plain mean.
3) I'm a model employee. If you're looking for someone hardworking, easygoing, positive and fun to work with, I'm your gal! I'll gladly send you references, but remember - don't believe everything you read. Obviously some people who are jealous of my talent like to use the words 'lazy' and 'pathological' very loosely.
4) I clean up nicely. I've seen all the photos of your staff in your magazine and the importance of attractiveness has not been lost on me. So rest assured that if I were ever called upon to represent the O brand in any public arenas, I would make sure to pay close attention to personal grooming. Even ones I find extraneous, like this 'teeth brushing' craze that everyone seems to be so obsessed with.
5) Last but not least, I love you Oprah! I love your show, I love your magazine, I even love all of those email newsletters that I get from Oprah.com that I don't remember signing up for (Yes, I checked that box, but I thought it was to enter that contest for the new car and year-supply of Swiffers.) Also, try not to let that little matter with the restraining order rankle you -- I'm really just a harmless, devoted fan.