Awhile ago I told you we had gotten a new cat, Milkshake. Isn't he cute? We love him to death, but problem is sometimes he does bad things, things that make me threaten to make him live in the garage, or put on that humiliating, pink furry cat sweater I bought him as a joke.
Thank goodness I took that Cat Whispering class! Best five-grand I ever spent, even though it was being given by a guy who called himself 'PussyLuvr' who lived with a bunch of other middle-aged guys in a trailer. Because without his help I never would have been able to figure out what Milkshake was trying to tell me. Just look at some of the things he's said to me in the past week:
"I left you a present in your shower! I know it smells, but I MADE IT MYSELF."
"KACK! KACK! KACKKKK! HAIRBALL!"
"Of course I appreciate the fact that you saved me from the shelter. That's why I'm scratching the shit out of your leather couch."
"Uh, please stop trying to pull your jacket out from under me WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP."
"I love you."
"I hate you."
"I WILL sleep on your stomach, bitch."
"I hope somebody feeds you 'Lamb and Rice' everyday and for every meal in your next life."
"Help! That tinfoil ball is totally trying to kill me."
"I'll stop attacking your arm when it stops looking like a big piece of tuna."
"Hey, you think YOUR poop smells like raindrops and daisies?"