Friday, June 02, 2006

I'm So Ready For My Close-Up Now, Mr. De Mille.

Have you met my famous family?

In all fairness, I have to mention that that is Kira's hair spliced in. Her hair's agent gets very touchy about equal billing.

I actually believe that it's this poster that Tom Cruise was referring to on Oprah when he proclaimed, "I'm in love!" and moved him to jump that couch.

No one believes me when I tell them that sometimes he gets paid to stand around in his bathrobe all day.

I think I've mentioned before that Rigel designs movie posters for a living. Oftentimes they aren't able to get the actual stars to show up for a photo shoot - say for instance the shoot is taking place on a Wednesday at 9am, and that happens to be the exact time that Joaquin Phoenix is having a vegan facial at The Four Seasons, or John Travolta is hosting a Scientology Quilting Bee in his Hollywood home. This is when body doubles are called in, and well, if you happen to be the exact height as a cosmic hitchhiker or have a couple of daughters that could double as fire victims or orphans of an alien invasion, Hollywood may come a knockin'.

What's that you say? Someone's missing? Why, yes - it appears that I'm the only member of this family whose image has never graced a movie poster. You see, as the rest of them makes inroads into cinematic fame, I've been left behind to wallow in my sheer anonymous-ness, to flounder in obscurity as my husband and children enjoy catered photoshoots and public recognition and say to each other, "Yes, pity that mother isn't here, but thank goodness she'll have a hot meal waiting for us when we return from our glamorous day."

At 5'3", I realize that my abilities as a starlet stand-in are limited. I harbor no illusions of doubling for Charlize Theron unless she plans on transforming herself into a pygmy in a desperate bid for another Academy Award. But surely various body parts of mine could be salvageable as movie-poster material. For instance, I find it hard to believe that my slender forearms could not at some point stand in for those of a fourteen year old boy. Or the left side of my right ankle? Virtually undistinguishable from that of a Thai prostitute's. And don't get me started on all the Japanese tourist stand-in jobs I've been passed over for.

Recently Rigel did a photoshoot for Snakes On A Plane. They needed several people to play passengers in the plane, all asked to pretend that they were being attacked by menacing snakes. Screaming, in horror at the presence of creepy crawlies? Hello! I've only been practicing for this role my entire life. And while he, along with several of his co-workers were asked to be in the shot, was I asked to participate? To perhaps play that passenger in aisle 5, seat 4 who's hyperventilating at the thought of having her life blood sucked out of her by an escaped reptile? Let's just say that my lifelong dream of sharing some ink with Samuel L. Jackson won't be realized this time around.

So, now that I've laid out my case, consider this the start of a vigorous campaign to be included in my family's advertising legacy. I look forward to the day when I'm asked to put down my iron, pull myself away from the breakfast dishes and make my way to the photo studio to become a part of the movie-marketing machine. Because, I hate to brag, but I've been told that in certain light, at just the right angle, my left earlobe looks just like Jennifer Aniston's.

Pin It

57 comments:

  1. I was all set to leave a stunningly brilliant comment, but then I saw I was the first commenter and got stagefright. So, um, good luck on the movie-poster career. And, um, fourteen-year-old boy forearems? I envy you tiny people.

    ReplyDelete
  2. okay, I have to admit, that is pretty fucking cool.

    The Cheese Stands Alone, huh?

    yeah, you can be George from Seinfeld, "the hand model". Or Jen's earlobe stand-in. Whichever.

    ReplyDelete
  3. SWP, clearly they are saving you for the movie poster about your life.

    SWEATPANTSMOM 007. Or maybe The SWEATPANTSMOM Code. Or my favotite, The Sound of SWEATPANTSMOM.

    Just don't let those little limelight hogs, I mean your family, steal all your thunder when it comes time to make your poster.

    ReplyDelete
  4. That is so. totally. COOL! How neat for your kids to be in those posters.

    P.S. Any way you can get me an invite to that John Travolta Scientology Quilting Bee?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Don't they ever need stand-ins for awesome mommies? Surely they will call you when they do!

    What an interesting family you have!

    ReplyDelete
  6. That's awesome! And seriously, your daughters are gorgeous - I think he should consider a closeup next time :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. How cool! Don't you just love knowing secrets like that. I would never have guessed that they use stand-ins for movie posters. Next time I see one, I'll look for you! :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. lol..you are hilarious! But seriously that's cool!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dude, YOU are frickin' funny. I'd say more, but I'm all starstruck being so close to all the famous people.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Great. Just another reason to be jealous of Sweatpantsmom... she's two inches taller than me!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh, wow, that's awesome that your kids were on those posters! I bet that wins major cool points with the other kids at school.

    Between you and Mom-101, I feel like I must be reading myself a little bit closer to greatness everyday.

    The closest I've ever gotten to Hollywood fame is when I was working as a production assistant for a film that was shooting in my hometown, and the art director was looking for attractive young women with tattoos to play a series of tragically slain (NAKED) dead bodies, and they weren't having much luck with the strip clubs across the river, and then one day the art director was pacing around the office, and he stopped short, pointed straight at me, and said, "HER! The P.A. with the blonde hair over there. She's got a tattoo. And she's HOT. Hey, Jay-Ju-whatever your name is, you wanna be in a movie?"

    To which I was like, "Um, NO. I'd prefer my film debut to be playing someone living and clothed, thanks."

    The film got scrapped anyway when they couldn't synchronize the shooting schedule with Tom Sizemore's schedule on a another movie. C'est la vie.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I didn't realize you were a family of celebs. How fun for your girls.

    If you need your Charlize, just give me a call. I've got the tall, the blonde and the local to LA down perfectly.
    Oh wait, I don't have the "hot".
    Never mind.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You are the coolest family! My kids would be so jealous so I'm not going to even tell them, unless I'm feeling mean and want to rub it in. My middle one asked me if he could go live with his unlce in LA so he could be on a t.v. show.

    ReplyDelete
  14. You are so ready to be Lucy Liu's hair double, so the next time she is being dragged by her hair by some psycho for the next movie poster, you too will feast on photo shoot delectables and craft service.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I once got asked to model for the Disneyland poster for the live show of Pocahontas. I was wearing braids at the time. I think I got paid 50 bucks or something. I was really really excited. Discovered waiting tables! It really happens! Okay, that one time it did.

    P.S. Scientology quilting bee is hilarious as is vegan facial. So funny

    ReplyDelete
  16. I seriously thought you were joking at first.

    You're not joking.

    That's cool.

    ReplyDelete
  17. No WAY! That is so cool. But I agree, it's time for Rigel to suggest calling in his beautiful wife to be a stand-in. You tell him your blog readers say you deserve it!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm not sure which is funnier, that your earlobe could stand in for Jennifer Aniston's or the John Travolta Scientology Quilting Bee line.

    That is very cool for you kids.

    ReplyDelete
  19. And you didn't enter this in tenuous connections?!??!

    I can't wait for Snakes! It has a character in it with the same name as my real name. THat's your seal of quality right there.

    ReplyDelete
  20. WOW! that is so neat! My best friend was a stand in for this D list movie poster and 15 years later, he still has it framed in his living room.
    Hope your kids are having a lot of fun in the industry!

    ReplyDelete
  21. That is really cool that the hubs and kids have been on posters. You so SHOULD get your chance at fame!

    ReplyDelete
  22. That must be so fun for the girls! But I'm with you- I'm 5'1" and I'd be left out of it all, too. Maybe one day they will need your ear, though.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Wow! I knew you lived in LA, but I didn't know your family was in in LA.

    I'm sure your time will come, and when it does, I know you'll share with us.

    ReplyDelete
  24. wow, at least it's an interesting life. the only excitement i get is from being a drug pusher.

    ReplyDelete
  25. This is cool...hey, earlobes are precious...

    ReplyDelete
  26. we have the dvd of the hitchhiker's guide... does this mean i have a photo of your hubs in the tv armoire?!

    ReplyDelete
  27. i think that's fun and i swear i knew this already... or maybe i have you confused with someone who posts on the pro acting board on delphi. in that case, don't mind me. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  28. I've *totally* heard that about you, that your earlobe could totally pass for la Aniston's.

    You're hilarious. I dig it.

    ReplyDelete
  29. That was very funny. And you iron??




    Some of us are just doomed to obscurity...but I bet your earlobe is just delightful. Bastards! They don't understand your creative bent.

    ReplyDelete
  30. That is sooooo cool!!! I really think you should play up the Thai Prostitute ankle angle. There's a huge market for that, right?

    ReplyDelete
  31. that WAS funny. And you IRON? I don't even know where my iron is or where to locate it. Lordy. You are an amazing woman who's talents have been hugely overlooked, OBVIOUSLY. Shame on Hollywood. Shame on THEM!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Scientology Quilting Bee made me snort out loud (is there another kind of snorting? anyhoo) very funny!

    ReplyDelete
  33. You know, my first husband, the one that ditched me for a guy right after I helped put him through law school, later moved to LA because he decided he wanted to become an AC-TOR. Gosh, maybe you know him :)

    ReplyDelete
  34. That is COOL. If you ever do make it onto a poster, you can auction off signed posters for all your fans. Of course, since it was my idea, I should get one for free. And it should say 'To Contrary, BFF extraordinaire.

    I'm just saying.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I am so proud and pleased that I will always be able to recognize your family when I see those movie posters.

    I totally think you should make the pitch to be on the Snakes on a Plane poster. Even if Rigel's already done it. Maybe there's a tragic accident with the negatives or electronic files for the poster and the whole thing will need to be done? Yeah, that's it.

    Or hey -- we need to find a screenwriter that can write a lovely story of a Thai prostitute. That will be your inroads to poster-land.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Wow! celebrities! I love it. You should have been allowed to scream bloody murder for that Snake movie.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I'm going to bet that at 5'3" you're not a big Randy Newman fan are you? LOL

    ReplyDelete
  38. WHAT???? I say pepper-spray him...I don't think that a kick to the crotch would be out of order either...I bet your forearms or your earlobes would be in the next one.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Okay, when I saw my beloved Joaquin Pheonix in this post... it wasn't what I expected.

    But... can I get an autograph?

    ReplyDelete
  40. I am sure that there are nether regions of your anatomy that are quite suitably erotic for all types of Hollywood posters. Perhaps you should have a photo shoot done (on the sly) frame them up and place them all over the house thereby reminding Rigel of all your virtues!

    ReplyDelete
  41. WOW! I'm impressed! How fun for your daughters to be able and look back on those. I'll have to look more closely at those from now on.

    ReplyDelete
  42. That is SO COOL! I thought you were joking at first. 1. What an awesome job. 2. What a neat experience for you... well, your kids at least. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  43. The NERVE! Tell 'em that short people ride on airplanes and are afraid of snakes too! ;p

    You're a whole inch taller than I.

    ReplyDelete
  44. The Hell you say! I would so wanna see your forearms on the big screen. Travesty, just a travesty.

    ReplyDelete
  45. This is so cool!
    I wonder if they are looking for some nasty, dry cracked gardener hands with short fingers-- I could double for that. Maybe a science fiction thing.
    BUt I think you should definitely keep those ankles in tip top shape-- you never know?

    ReplyDelete
  46. And I thought you couldn't get any cooler...damn, that's a really cool job!

    p.s. I wanna be Halle Berry!!!! :) We have the same...hair color?

    ReplyDelete
  47. oh man SO cool! How many kids get a real live movie poster in their baby books?

    ReplyDelete
  48. Your kids are the luckiest. Please let us know when your forearms make their Hollywood debut.

    ReplyDelete
  49. For real, Snakes on a Plane is - sight unseen - the coolest fucking movie ever.

    And Tell you what, I'll hold you up, so it will seem as if you are Charlize Tall - They can airbrush my ass out and then you'll be GOLD.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Next time they need someone for Holly Hunter, they should totally call you. I think she is "NOT TALL" like you.

    ReplyDelete
  51. As a fellow "petite" woman (sounds better than short I s'pose) I feel your pain. I'm going to see "The Breakup" tonight and I'm going to check out that left earlobe.

    ReplyDelete
  52. p.s. Rigel has quite a cool gig I think!

    ReplyDelete
  53. SLoooowly but suuurely I am letting friends know that my URL has changed since I dumped Blogger this week. Fire on the Poop Deck - The Wendy Boucher Blog is now at: www.wendyboucher.com/blog. Yay Wordpress. Of course now I'll have bad karma. Dang.

    ReplyDelete
  54. I'm sorry I'm so late on commenting on this post but as we all know, Blogger has sucked ass this past week. So what I WANTED to say days ago was: "Are you freakin' serious? Your family is in movie posters?!?! THAT IS THE COOLEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD!!!" So there. I said it.

    ReplyDelete
  55. WOW! That's so cool! I'm so glad I found your blog via Catherine Dix! Now, I can point those posters out to my friends and family and say "I know a blogger whose family is featured...there and there." ;-)

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts with Thumbnails