Thursday, June 15, 2006

If You Run Into Me In The Next Couple Of Weeks, Don't Be Surprised If I Try To Taste Your Arm.

I've been meaning to post more details about our incredible vacation to Yosemite that we returned from last week, but before I do I need to write about the one thing that has been consuming me for the past week. The thing that has eclipsed blogging as my obsession, the thing that is driving me to thrice-weekly trips to the health food store, has me crying over Outback Steakhouse commercials and had me salivating over the can of Friskies Lamb and Rice that I fed to our cat last night.

Yes, I am on a diet.

Okay, according to this, my weight is within the 'normal' range, but the snug fit on my jeans and the roll of fat that lays next to me at night like a small pet rodent tell a different story. I'd been noticing that my clothes were feeling a little odd, lately, and my two-day, pre-menstrual bloat had turned into a permanent, second-trimester-pregnancy tummy. Also, I would be lying if I said that this woman's comments didn't spur me on in some small way, and when this hellish diet is over I look forward to our next supermarket encounter, when I plan to ram her with my cart, spin her emaciated body around over my head Kung-Fu Hustle style, and throw her clear across the store into the deli case.

Mostly what I'm trying to do is get my weight down to what I'm comfortable with, one that doesn't have me calling 911 to help me squeeze my ass into my pants or interrupting conversations with the sound of my thighs slapping together. And my prime goal? To be healthier, and to make better food choices. I know this is starting to sound like some overwrought infomercial, but trust me when I say that guidance is absolutely necessary for someone who routinely chooses the bacon-wrapped pork chop over the field-green salad and eschews the 'Healthy Heart' portion of any menu for the one labeled 'Fat Packer.'

The diet plan I'm following is the Duke University Rice Diet, which was originally developed to help people with hypertension and diabetes. The emphasis is on low salt, low fat, non-processed foods, with the first day of each week consisting of only whole grains and fruit, and the first two weeks of the diet being practically vegan. As I say the word 'vegan,' my voice drops to an embarrassed whisper, since normally I make a sport out of taunting and ridiculing my vegetarian and vegan friends, daring them to just lick the surface of my top-sirloin or threatening to blend some mashed up hot dog into their tempeh casserole. The idea that I can't have any meat for the next seven days (already having gone without for six) is definitely daunting, but I've been keeping my mind off it by covertly planning my coming out party for when this whole tortuous diet is over, the one where I barricade myself in the kitchen and roll around naked in every beef and pork product I can get my hands on and shovel big spoonfuls of salt into my mouth.

Along with feeling and looking better (I have more energy and my beard is not nearly as full) the downside is that subsisting on a diet normally reserved for gerbils has left me not only starving, but cranky as well. Who can blame me for snapping at the kids and withholding sex from my husband when all I've had to eat for dinner is a mound of lentils and a peach? And while the whole-wheat pita pizzas I whipped up last night were pretty tasty, my lunch today of brown rice and salt-free black beans made me want to beat the crap out of our elderly neighbor who, obviously trying to taunt me, was frying sausage near her open kitchen window.

We've all been on diets and know what works and what doesn't, but before you start telling me that the diet I'm on has been know to cause hair growth on your thumbs or is actually one followed by sumo wrestlers to increase the density of their blubber, remember that I'm already six days into it, and it's too late to turn back now. Also, consider this: I haven't had a steak for six whole days. I may just hunt you down, tear off one of your legs and throw it on the grill, just for a little treat to have with my organic bulgur pilaf and cabbage salad.

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67 comments:

  1. That's how I lost 30 lbs, though I didn't know it was called anything. I thought I just made it up on my own. DAmn!

    Anyway, the cravings go away after a few days, and I found myself being completely repulsed by people eating "non-healthy" food.

    And cut out the caffiene. That really helps.

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  2. Sorry M, can't leave a comment as a i have big pie to get through. Where did I leave that steak?

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  3. Ewwww a diet. Even though I'm like you and hate the way my clothes feel and want to lose a few extra pounds, that word just makes my skin crawl. I love food too much. I.JUST.CAN'T.DO.IT!

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  4. Sounds as bad as my breastfeeding elim diet - however it sounds like I could eat more on that.

    But, I did lose weight! GOOD LUCK!

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  5. "the one where I barricade myself in the kitchen and roll around naked in every beef and pork product I can get my hands on and shovel big spoonfuls of salt into my mouth."

    Ha! Can you videotape this and put it up on YouTube for everyone to view? :)

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  6. I wouldn't cut out the sex if I were you. I heard that sex burns a lot of calories. :)

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  7. Best of luck!

    A cooking note, in case I do actually run into you: my limbs are probably best grilled rare and served with a little A1 Bold n Spicy.

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  8. Dammit! I was just going to invite you to an all-steak-n-ribs BBQ!!!
    Mrs Chicky better make sure to send an e-mail when she puts that video up!
    Congrats? (yes, I'm saying that hesitantly...)
    I've started walking and doing sit-ups (GASP!) because I want to avoid THE DIET. But believe it or not, I've actually noticed I've been eating healthier anyway...
    Good luck.

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  9. Good luck. I hope it goes well and you don't kill anybody.

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  10. Oh I feel you. The second I see the "heart smart" icon next to a menu item, I skip it. Don't even look at it. Just assume that it couldn't possibly be something I like. Which goes a long way to explain that I too have a pet rodent living above my beltline.

    I salute your perseverence. Can you use herbs and seasonings? I find I can do a lot better on a diet if the food actually tastes like something. I mean, something that's not that food.

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  11. Salivating over cat food? Now THAT'S desperation.

    Although I dig veggie cuisine, I think the mere fact that I was forbidden to eat meat would have me sprinting for the filet. Such a rebel, you know.

    Cheers to you and your efforts to be healthier. That's the important part (or so I tell myself every morning while getting dressed).

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  12. I just started Atkins a few weeks ago to get in fighting shape for the summer. As a serious meat lover, it usually works well for me. I don't feel the urge to beat random strangers on the street. However, I will say that I think I'd kill someone for a good dump. I don't remember the last time I had one. I think it was before Memorial Day.

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  13. Sounds like you are off to a good start! I personally have little "diet nazis" at my house. A few weeks ago I went to grab a cookie and my 10 y/o tackled me from accross the table and slapped it out of my hands. He'd probably taste good at your next BBQ. I'll bring the Oreos!

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  14. Good luck! I'll diet vicariously through you, okay?

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  15. Not that your blog posts aren't enough for me in and of themselves, but I LOVE reading the men's comments here. Is it possible that Rigel goes by "Gary" in the blogosphere? And I think Metrodad is onto something-- meat AND a preoccupation with bowels... that's gotta be better than organic bulgur pilaf and salivating over your neighbor's sausage... or arm. :)

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  16. Careful, I heard that cannabilism is a major side effect of this diet!

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  17. Fad dieting doesn't do you any good in the long term. The weight will just come back when you resume 'normal' eating.

    The key is smaller portions with light healthy snacks between meals so you don't feel like you're starving and a regular, consistant exercise program. It doesn't have to be anything extreme, just a 20 minute walk in the neighborhood will do. Results take longer, but they last.

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  18. I hate dieting almost as much as I hate exercising. Good luck. I'm about to try the starvation diet because I'm an all or nothing kind of girl.

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  19. I am pretty sure Vegan is a new cuss word. But good luck girl.

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  20. I'm trying to cut back and not snack and avoid fatty foods... In other words, I've also took all of the fun out of eating... So I know how your feeling sista!

    Hope the diet gets easier and you end up with fantastic results.

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  21. But you can eat candy right? I mean, what's a diet without a little (lot) candy? How much longer is this diet (torture) going to last?

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  22. Good luck to you on your diet...How long does it last? and I want to see a video like that too! LOL!

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  23. I have been leaving comments but when I come back to read others comments I find that mine is not there. Have you recieved it?

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  24. i hate dieting so much. it just ISNT.FUN.
    but good luck!!!!!

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  25. Like MetroDad, I am doing Atkins. I couldn't go a day without my bacon.

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  26. "my lunch today of brown rice and salt-free black beans" - that bit made me want to cry, and I'm a vegetarian. (Though I'm the generously-shake-salt-onto-my-soy-products-while-frying-them-in-an-inch-of-olive-oil kind of vegetarian).

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  27. Mrs. Chicky: That video will be up on YouTube, but you better pray I've lost the weight by then. Otherwise, you and everyone else on the planet may never want to look at another cut of meat again.

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  28. Good for you- I wish that I had taken control of my diet when I was in the "normal" range. Right now I'm getting myself all pepped up to do the diabetes diet. It worked for me while I was pregnant and had gestational diabetes. In fact, I lost weight while my belly grew. We'll see how it works now that I don't have the metabolism for two!

    Best of luck- you can do it!

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  29. You go, you.

    (I went vegan once. Giving up the meat wasn't so bad. What hurt was the cheese. Oh god the cheese...)

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  30. Goodluck with the diet and please don't taste my arm.:)

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  31. Just passing through via ... actually, I don't have a clue how I got here.

    But I enjoyed your blog and added you to my blogroll. Good luck with the diet - I hope one day to convince myself to go on one.

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  32. Mom 101: Yes, any seasoning without salt is fine. Which is why I'm going through garlic by the bushel. I plan to write a book when this is over: "Five Thousand Ways With Brown Rice.."

    (MetroDad: Speaking of brown rice, perhaps it would help your, er - 'dilemma.')

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  33. So would you beat me with a celery stalk if I told you I ate a hot dog AND a Nutty Buddy at a minor league baseball game yesterday?

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  34. I was glad to see that the post wasn't about you being a cannibal, but then you went and put that in at the end. Now I'm a bit scared. Maybe it would help if you stopped trying to wear cigarette pants. Hahahaha.

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  35. I wonder what it's like to NOT be on a diet?

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  36. OMG, when I read your first paragraph, I thought you were going to say you were Pregnant!

    Anyway, good luck with your diet. I haven't heard of this one, but I once did the South Beach diet and it worked pretty well.

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  37. UGH! ...a chick on a diet. I'm outta here. ;p

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  38. Ohmigosh! Everywhere I turn today it's meat, meat, meat. Come check out my blog post for today. Gird your loins with will power first.

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  39. fuck. that diet sounds HIDEOUS. I say jack it in and take a pilates class. That'll tone you up and get rid of the wobbly bits much more painlessly. (serious, lady) Am now off to hunt for animal flesh.

    oh, and feel free to tell me to shuddup. you did not ask for my advice. it's friday, and I am bored and punchy.

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  40. I am right there with you... (except for the Craisin incident...and my burning desire to attempt the Whopper Challenge....) I have actually NEVER succeeded on any diet. I have to swim or be damned. Best of luck - I look forward to the photos of you rolling naked in the pork and beef products!

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  41. Now I see what you meant by don't knock rice and beans... Sorry it sounds more like a form of torture rather than a healthy lifestyle choice.

    Oh I hear you about squeezing your ass into jeans. My favorite- back fat. the little rolls that poke all around your bra straps. Combined with the love handles and you have a lovely relief map of the Sierras right there on my body.

    I tried the Shangri-la diet a couple of weeks ago. I started the diet before finishing the book. Stupidiest load of crap I ever read. Promptly quit and had a handful of tasty bite size chocolates to celebrate.

    Personally I am finding luck with the freaking out because you have to pack up all your shit and move across country and you have a LOT of shit, and two little kids to deal with diet. Working like a charm for me....


    My advice? Give it up if you start dreaming about eating ham sandwiches. Good luck!

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  42. You are a better woman than I. I have a terrible record when it comes to dieting because the instant someone tells me I can't have something (a particular kind of food, etc.) I instantly crave it, have to have it, and thereby sabotage the diet. It's frustrating.

    Hey... what are you doing chewing on my leg... I need that!

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  43. You sound thinner already!

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  44. What? No dust? You can sprinkle dust on some of that, can't you?

    Oh Sweatpantsmom, you had me burst out loud laughing with a few of these:
    "when I plan to ram her with my cart, spin her emaciated body around over my head Kung-Fu Hustle style, and throw her clear across the store into the deli case."

    "roll around naked in every beef and pork product I can get my hands on and shovel big spoonfuls of salt into my mouth."

    and that elderly neighbor? what an evil bitch. call me if you need back up. k?

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  45. I'm on the "your husband is coming home from war and has been working out like a maniac so you need to look fabulous and find a substitute for the twelve scoops of peanut butter ice cream to love you" - diet. And yet, it's not working...hmmm..maybe I'll actually try one of these nightmarish vegan diets. But that sounds very much like hell. I think I'd rather starve myself.

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  46. It's great that you've made such a commitment! I'm doing a Low Glycemic Index Foods kind of thing, sort of like South Beach or Weight Watchers CORE. I crave potato chips ALL THE TIME.

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  47. Don't hate me. Please. I've never (that is NEVER) been on a "diet." I had the good fortune to be born the child of two skinny parents, they had/have dozens of other problems, so being thin is not everything in the world, believe me.
    But listen, truly, I have never dieted. My healthy eating habits came out of being too poor to cook meat or eat in restaurants. 20 years into this healthy life style, I hate processed food. It makes me feel sick. As does anything cooked with pork or beef stock. I wouldn't dream of touching the actual flesh.
    My newfound middle class life style has allowed me to reintroduce chicken and fish. Organic and fresh.
    There are loads of scrumptious foods out there besides beans and rice. It's the season for fabulous fruits and vegetables.
    I'm not a dietitian, I'm just an old gal with skinny parents, but eating what I want that isn't processed has been very good to me.
    P.S. Love the body you have. Don't fetishize food, your daughters are watching you.
    So now you hate me, Right?

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  48. at 33, my midsection is offically givng me the finger. AND I AM active (uh, soccer 2x week, no subs? hello) the weight is about the same but the compositiion is another story. Rolly?? Mushy? WTF.

    I was over my sister who is a nurse's house last night. I was all, "ok, let's cut the crap, we all know you nurses and doctors know what works. hook me up. Hey, can you score me some Phen-phen (sp?)...I mean, I know it's no longer approved by the FDA and it sometimes kills people, but shit works."

    Later after dinner I asked her, "yeah, you woldn't think me rude if I threw up dinner?"

    "You hate puking,Jen"

    "Got a toothbrush?"

    I talk a good game but still, frustrating. My "diet" has been getting a medium coffee (w/ cream & sugar) down from a large. That's gotta do the trick, right?

    Good luck.

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  49. I just read the post about your track and field queen for the first time.

    Sigh.

    Some people always suck and never grow up. She reminds me of the girls I wouldn't be friends with in middle school because I thought they were pettty and immature.

    I'm on weight watchers and doing really well on it. Generally I eat whole grains, lots of fish and chicken, very little cheese and so on. I'm still trying to shake loose my baby weight and man does it stick!

    It doesn't sound as though you are trying to do anything other than tone up and maybe lose 5 or 10 pounds, which shouldn't be too tough.

    Good Luck.

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  50. I love you, just the way you are. Or the way you want to be. I'm not picky.

    And admit it, it doesn't take a diet to make you want to beat the crap out of the elderly neighbors. It will merely be a convienient "defense plea"

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  51. Those first two weeks are always killers, I am sure that you will feel so much better after that. Can you have nuts? Can you take speed, I mean anything to help the energy level? Just kiddin' about the speed comment.

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  52. You should have started your diet while vacationing in Yosemite. You could have dined on the all-you-can-eat
    bush-buffet. Oh well, best wishes to you and your thighs on this diet adventure.

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  53. Oh, my. I hate diets, but am on an informal one right now. It mainly consists of standing at the edge of my garden free-feeding myself fresh veggies. If only vegetables actually filled me and kept me that way...

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  54. Diets....yuck. I would be cranky, too! I don't think I would last on that.

    Oh...and I am not going to tell you where I live... :)

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  55. I am trying to just cut back on portion sizes and esercise. I have decided I would rather eat and be a comfy weight than diet and be skinny. Sigh.

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  56. Trying again. This is a test. I'll be back again as I always am. Got you email. Thanks for anwering.

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  57. Yea.....I freakin hate diets. I stopped mine while on vacation down the shore, cause uh yea I need fries and fudge while I'm on the boardwalk. But I'm back on the dreaded diet now. Blech!!

    Wait....OMG did I just say the words "fries" and "fudge" on a dieting person's website.

    here let me get that for you
    *smacks self upside the head*

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  58. So, I eat a pretty healty diet, except for the sweets - oh and that whole portion control thing? Not for me.

    I'm sure I'll have to do the elimiation diet when I have this baby in August, so I'm hoping that some of the extra blubber will slide on off.

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  59. Diets always make me hungry and obessed with all things sweet.

    Eat less, move more. It's easy if only I didn't have to think about it.

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  60. cigarettes.

    kidding, people! don't i wish i could live on the 50's diet of ciggies, martinis and valium.

    no white anything and the weight will fall off.

    and a diet tonic and vodka is a carb free beverage.

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  61. OK....Hows the old starving thingy going then? I can't be bothered anymore. Found my weight always wanted to settle in about 10 pounds more than I liked and gave up trying to change it. I just buy bigger clothes instead.

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  62. I need an update...results, please!

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  63. Oh you're brave...no meat for 7 days? I'd die. Well that's a bit dramatic but I'm all about the drama. Good for you though and share your results! Best of luck!

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  64. Make sure you're not depriving yourself of anything important. It's more important to stay nourished than to lose some superficial weight. But eating better is a good choice - I just wish they'd turn off the yummy food commercials when you're on a health kick. They make me want to cry.

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  65. Ha ha!

    I'm sorry. Please don't eat me!

    Besides, I'm really yucky tasting because I'm on a diet, too. And who wants to eat somebody that tastes like fat-free dressing. Ugh.

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