Monday, April 03, 2006

BHW.

We took the girls to Cirque du Soleil yesterday and I'm happy to say it was a big success. Rigel and I had seen it years ago by ourselves, so this time it was nice to go with them to experience it and see their reaction. Besides, our attempt at cultural rehabilitation a couple of weeks ago was only half successful and we were determined to give the appearance that we are able to pull ourselves away from our computers and TV screens, if only for an afternoon.

I say 'big success' but there was a moment when I thought the entire performance would be ruined for me. We had just taken our seats when I was crushed to discover my nemesis sitting right in front of me once again. Perhaps you know her, perhaps she has sat in front of you, too. She goes by the name of Big Headed Woman.

Big Headed Woman or BHW as I like to call her, follows me everywhere. The movies? BHW is there, using her large noggin to block my view of all the action on the lower third of the screen. Daughter's violin recital? There she is again, her over-coiffed hairdo positioned just so, making it impossible for me to fully appreciate Kira's scratchy rendition of Ode To Joy. I imagine she has some sort of special GPS device for tracking my activities - as soon as she hears I'm about to attend an event, there she is snapping on her giant prosthetic head and rushing out to find me in order to position herself right between my eyes and the stage.

A BHW can be a man, too, as witnessed at one of my latest movie theater experiences. I had walked into an empty theater and taken a seat when BHW walked in, looked around at the thousands of empty seats and chose the one seat, two rows in front of me, that was directly in my line of sight. I was tempted to throw my Coke at him, but with only two of us in the theater I felt there was a good chance he would figure out who it was. This is how it always is with me and BHW - I am forced to suffer in silence and change my seat, while she sits triumphant with not a thought of remorse existing in that cavernous dome atop her shoulders.

Here at the circus BHW was out to prove how deftly skilled she was at maximum view obstructing. In a row with several other normal head sized people, hers looked like a freakishly large pumpkin, lined up on a shelf with a row of apples. (Again, let me reiterate: Sitting in front of every other person in our row: Normal head. In front of me: Not so normal head.) Her gargantuan silhouette completely obscured my view of the entire stage and most of the lighting - if I sat still I had the troubling sensation of experiencing the show as a blind person would. I tried to express the gravity of the situation to Rigel:

Me: She has a big head.
Rigel: You say everyone has a big head.

Obviously he was too busy enjoying the show to sympathize. Me, I had to keep darting my head from side to side in order to see anything on either side of her enormous noggin, which gave the appearance that I was constantly trying to dodge a fastball being thrown at me. Finally after a few minutes Rigel insisted I switch seats with him - he said it was starting to look like I had some sort of extreme nervous twitch. When he was seated behind BHW he finally conceded, "You're right this time. She's got a big one." If the shadow from her behemoth cranium wasn't casting a dark shadow on our entire row I'm sure I would have seen a look of contrition on his face.

I was able to enjoy the show fully from then on out, despite the throbbing in my neck muscles. (Although I was in constant fear that BHW would look back, realize that she wasn't in any way diminishing the circus-viewing experience of my six-foot-one husband, and immediately change seats with her neighbor in front of me.) Kira and Kiyomi had only good things to say about the show, although as soon as the lights went on for intermission Kiyomi inquired, "Were those guys naked?" We explained that they were wearing very tight body suits but she seemed unconvinced and had a look of genuine fear on her face. Kira tried to comfort her with, "I know it's kind of freaky, but some people actually like looking at naked people." I was just about to high-five her with an "Amen" when the Big Headed Woman stood up and suddenly all went dark.

Pin It

37 comments:

Bridgermama said...

Damn that BHW! She follows me too! Glad you enjoyed the show anyway, I want K to take me for our Anniversary.

Lin said...

BHW...hmmmmmm...she bugs the hell out of me, too and I didn't appreciate you sending her the hell over to the Dorothy Chandler the other night for the LA Opera's performance of The Marriage of Figaro. Uh huh...we're getting all culture-filled, too!

Moose said...

Nicely written! May I suggest scissors for your next big-hair run in?

Gary said...

They ought to give out fines for big hair.

Dawn said...

Cirque De Soleil - with special guest .....Elephant Head Woman.

And more scarey all most nekkid , freakishly flexible people!

Lisa said...

That is so funny. It reminds me of a Mercer Mayer book.

Annecandy said...

I have a basketball for a head and apologize if I have ever obstructed your view :)

Even with my large head, I hate big head man/woman. It is usually a woman with large hair. However, you know what I hate most about BHW? Somehow, they always know which side you are leaning to at any given moment and immediately move their cranium so that you are always trying to look around and it KILLS me that they are completely oblivious.

Kristen said...

That is classic. I usually get CTB - Crazy Talking Bitch.

No really, is CdeS FRENCH? Is that a bar they're swinging on? DER?

Mrs. Davis said...

I'm LMAO about "I know it's kind of freaky, but some people actually like looking at naked people."

I've been stuck behind BHW a few times, and it's not pretty.

Mama C-ta said...

BHW, curses! Good thing you enjoyed part of the show! I love Cirque, we try and hit them when we travel. The one in Orlando is my favorite so far. I like the bit of darkness to it.

First time here, like what ya got :)

Mrs. Chicky said...

They should provide booster seats for people who get stuck behind BHW and BHM. I would so use one if stuck behind someone like that!

Jess Riley said...

You always make me laugh, SPM. :) I'll have to come back to reread this later so I can laugh again later when I need a break from the soul-crushing work that pays for the food I mindlessly stuff in my mouth while I'm doing important things like blogging.

Mom101 said...

Big Headed Woman, not to be confused with Big Haired Woman, most often seen sitting right in front of me in the movie theater when I lived in Providence. Great post!

gorillabuns said...

living in the midwest where everything is bigger, this person follows me everywhere. along with big mouthed woman, big butt woman (wait that's me), big ass loud kids and lastly big headed man to go with the BHW.

strangely enough, they are clueless to our pain.

IzzyMom said...

The BHW....she hates me and follows me everywhere, too.

She frequently bring her companion, The Kicker. They sit separately so as to maximize their power.

The Kicker sits behind me and BHW sits in front of me, mocking me as they ruin all my fun.

liberalbanana said...

Hey SPM, I hate to tell you, but that was me sitting in front of you at Cirque.

(God, I love Photoshop.)

Pattie said...

I was probably the Big Haired Woman that sat in front of Mom 101 at the theatre in Providence.

gingajoy said...

fab post! and finally i have a name for the beast that stalks me. thank gawd for stadium seating.

Christina_the_wench said...

Oh man! Mercer Mayer books rock!

My staff now thinks I'm losing it, laughing alone in my office. Thanks. Great post though.

Catherine said...

On the average, I think I'm a BHW, too, but I think my vertically-challenged body offers balance to those unfortunate souls behind me... so long as THEY aren't vertically-challenged as well.

Beverlee said...

I am a BHW. My head circumference is 26". (Go ahead - measure yours) I don't qualify me for handicapped parking or anything like that but I can't wear hats. Part of being a responsible BHW is making the choice not to be a BHHW. If you have the big head, you can't have the big hair too. Its not right. All BHHW should be reported to the BHW Policing and Advisory Council.
Thank you.

Nancy said...

I've noticed that if I go to an event with my kids, BHW is directly seated in front of one of them, and if I move in order to give the kid a better view -- she will swivel her head to continue the block. It's madness I tell you.

Amy said...

BHW whether it's head or hair, sits directly in front of my height-challenged 10 1/2 year old daughter no matter where we go. And then said daughter sits on my lap. Now that's fun.

Pieces said...

See, I'm usually followed everywhere by snorking old man. [shudder]

Bobita said...

Oh, how I related!

BHW is always in front of me at the theatre! Or one of my kids, in which case we must move...after one of my beloved kids says something like, "can we sit behind someone with a smaller head?"

:)

Elizabeth said...

liberalbanana-Ha!

I always get the seat at the movies in front of the parents who brought kids who are really too young for the movie, or too young to be up that late, and they talk louder and louder and kick my seat and then start whining to go home. Don't get me wrong, I take my kids to the movies too, but to appropriate, day time movies.

TB said...

You must be short like me. I swear unless I expressly choose a seat behind a small child, I can never see anything at movies or sporting events. I've even been known to sit on my legs or ball my coat up underneath me to make myself taller. Your BHW is my tall guy with a baseball cap.

Cirque Du Soleil is awesome isn't it? We went to Nobu a few years ago and I'm almost afraid to go back because it was so good, I don't want anything to ruin it.

wordgirl said...

"Is that guy naked?" Leave it to kids to focus on what's important.

Carrcakes said...

Are big headed woman and big haired woman interchangeable? If so, guilty as charged.

Mary Tsao said...

I don't know about BHWs but I do know a toddler with the world's biggest head. Seriously. I feel it's unfair for his mom not to explain his oddly gigantic head when you first meet them. What am I supposed to think? I worry he has a brain tumor or something. I mean, I don't want to make fun of him, but does she Know her kid has the biggest head in the world? I guess she does since she pushed him out her whoo haa. But still.

Amy said...

OK, this has ntohing to do with your post, but I just noticed the change in "scenery" on your blog. Love it.

MetroDad said...

More importantly, how was the food?

HO lotta head said...

My heart truly breaks for anyone who has sat behind me. I too have a large planetoid of a head (but nice flat hair). But PuH-lease ... don't pull to your kids, "I am sorry that the lady in front of you has a PH and you cannot see" routine. It is so tired and only angers the beast. The risk for LEW to show up is too great. THat's right Loud Embarrasing Woman.

shokufeh said...

It's been so long since I've been anywhere that I'd forgotten about BHW. Maybe by the time MrMan is old enough to go to the movies, or Cirque du Soleil, BHW's neck will have gotten tired of carrying her head and she will have become the smaller version of herself: stump-headed woman.

mama_tulip said...

I always end up sitting in front of the person (or child) who feels the need to kick my seat. So. Annoying.

jen said...

I would babysit your kids for free just to hear the shit they come up with. damn, they funny.

When I read "Big Headed Woman" allI think about is that stupid song, "Black Magic Woman".

to wit:
"I gotta big headed Woman...got me so blind I can't see...but she's a Big Headed Woman....and she's tryin' to make a devil out of me...."

You see my point.

kidslovecandy said...

Oh my gosh I'm so so so sorry. It was probably a member of my tribe. I am a BHW with big hair (it's a frizzy hair fog) I married a BHM and we have 2 BHC. My youngest is a little wisp of a thing. She looks like a big running lollipop. Both my kids were C-sections because they suffered from BHBS-Big Headed Baby Syndrom. BHBS has afflicted many of our tribe. I will be sure to mention your post in our next newsletter.

Related Posts with Thumbnails