Tuesday, May 01, 2007

My Dog Ate My Homework And Then A Dingo Stole My Baby.

This happened barely three months after I got the minivan:


I was turning into a parking space at the party store when a parked SUV I was pulling in next to inexplicably came to life, moved to the left and dented my fender. I know! Weird! I remember being so upset that I forgot to buy the tiki torches.

When I got home Rigel said, "So, you mean you hit a parked car?" in that accusatory voice of his. But what does he know? He wasn't there!

Then, this past Friday, something similar happened. I know! Weird! I was exiting a space at the grocery store when a huge yellow concrete pillar attacked my side doors. I mean, one minute it was over there, and the next minute it was right next to me, scraping the hell out of my paint. I tried explaining it to the store manager to get them to take responsibility, but when they called store security I just took my keg of Coors and left.


I have to run now, but when I get back I'll tell you the story about how I was abducted by aliens last week, taken to Bloomingdales and forced to buy a purse. I know! Weird!

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40 comments:

  1. Hey! I had the very same thing happen to me!

    Our trash cans came out of nowhere and smashed into the back of my car when I was backing out!

    I know! Weird!

    -annie

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  2. May I borrow your aliens?

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  3. You think thats bad, my umbrella stroller committed suicide this afternoon..Jumped right under my van tires! :O

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  4. I hate that! The huge tree at the end of my driveway constantly tries to jump in front, er, back of me when I'm backing out. Sit, stupid tree, sit!

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  5. Our yard moves, and the garage walls jump forward.

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  6. I hate it when that happens!

    p.s. if I were Freud I'd suggest that subconsciously you were rebelling against the idea of being a minivan driver, and this subconscious rebellion causes you to hit things... er things to jump out into your path.

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  7. Freakin' poles have a secret plot to take over the world and ban driving cars. We've got some here in Tampa. Now that I think about it, that would really help the global warming problem. Unless all those poles burn coal to keep warm at night. See what you do to me? I'm blathering about secret plots. Maybe your blog should be banned. (kidding.)

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  8. Wait till I show this to my husband! Now maybe he'll believe me about that box of doughnuts jumping into the front seat of my car.

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  9. reminds me of the story when my mom got her license. First day out my grandparents were getting ready to go on vacation when they got a phone call as they walked out the door. Seems a huge oak tree reached out and mashed their daughter's (my mom) car to its trunk.

    Something like trying to mash a beer can to your forehead...

    Go figure!

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  10. I think that first time was God's way of gently saying "no" to tiki torches.

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  11. It's like I was trying to tell my co-workers last week when I fell down the stairs:

    "Someone moved that step!"

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  12. shopping carts, trash cans, and parking bolsters (thankfully only the rubberized kind) have a vendetta against me. They attack without warning, and fully unprovoked. I am considering a restraining order....

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  13. Oh gracious... I hope no PEOPLE decide to suddenly go crazy and run into you too!

    LOL.

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  14. I have a slice in my bumper that mysteriously appeared during a camping trip exactly 2 months after we'd bought the damn thing (thankfully it wasn't me who backed up into the hitch on the trailer).

    Oh, and a little, itty bitty scratch from a wayward mailbox too.

    There, do you feel better?

    Carrie

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  15. things like this are always happening to me too. we're entering the twiglet zone!

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  16. My sister once hit a gas tank at gas station. She was in my car. She was trying to tell my insurance agent that it was the gas station's fault because of the way the gas island was set up. My insurance agent looked at her and said "Mam, it was a stationary object."

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  17. I hate when that happens. Those damn yellow pillars are crafty.

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  18. Seriously...men just don't get it..they exist in some bizarre parallel universe where this kind of shit doesn't happen. But we women know the truth!

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  19. radical mama5/02/2007 11:09 AM

    Sneaky sneaky!

    I hate it when inanimate objects attack my cars. And I am sticking to that story, too.

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  20. I had a deer attack my rental Equinox.

    Did the aliens insist on Coach or Dolce and Gabbana?

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  21. Its the curse of the minivan............

    Can the aliens buy me a purse?

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  22. Oh! I totally did that with my old Buick Regal! And then I had random guys yelling at me in parking lots. "EY! LADY!! You want me to fix that for you? I can do a real good job."
    Um, no, I've watched enough People's Court to know that's not how you get a bodywork qoute.

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  23. We got new gutters a few years ago and damn if the downspout didn't leap from the corner of our house and squash itself on to my back bumper.

    Ahem.

    I mean I would never be so distracted as to actually back into the corner of our house.

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  24. Our mailbox actually JUMPS OUT and hits the side of the SUV. So annoying.

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  25. holy crap. I think you're on to something here...this seems to be happening to a awful lot of people for it NOT to be true.

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  26. i'm the queen of balancing my vehicles on parking medians. though, it's not too funny when you leave your muffler behind the oil slick that once inhabited your car.

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  27. I can say, smugly, that I have never had a ding or a dent. Having said that I have only driven 5 times in the last 10 years.

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  28. I hit three parked care in less than three years. My insurance agency canceled our insurance. Boy, did that not make for a happy husband. (And the Purse Aliens? They abduct me ALL THE TIME! So does their good buddies the Shoe Extraterrestrials)

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  29. Those same purchase-force aliens got me too!

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  30. I'm going to cross my arms, purse my lips, and tap my foot for Rigel...

    Shame. Shame. Might as well just go ahead and forget to change the oil and let the minivan run out of gas every other day.

    Grr.

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  31. I think the same aliens that abducted you for the purse shopping excursion have forced me to eat chocolate on numerous occasions.

    In fact, I am sure of it.

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  32. for awhile curbs were jumping up and attacking my tires and shredding them when i parked -- like 3 times. and one time someone borrowed my spare tire and never returned it. my dad claims that i lost it but he's so so wrong.

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  33. I see... You have a vision... a yellow line down the side of the van... It could work... Maybe you convince the aliens to help paint the van???

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  34. This is so totally weird! Our brand new rental car in Monaco a couple years ago had practically the exact same markings on it (three days after renting it). Maybe the aliens are trying to tell us something?

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  35. Yeah, one of those alien yellow concrete pillars attacked my husband's car a year ago. Only took him six months before he got it fixed. Driving a 'damaged' car in L.A. is like walking around with toilet paper hanging out the waistband of your jeans...people do look at you strangely.

    Now what about that new purse?

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  36. Ohhhh....how I hate it when parked cars cut me off and than move to their spot. Very funny....I enjoyed reading your blog.

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  37. You are THE BEST! I feel so much less alone now. You are beautiful.

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  38. Rolling on the floor with laughter...you should write for The Onion!

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  39. Holy crap, I have been abducted by those aliens!! They have also forced me to hide said packages at my moms house and deceive poor Mr. Ashley. I hate those bastards....

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