April Showers Bring...Babies.

I love a good party. So when Catherine, Kristen, Julie and Nancy invited me to my very first virtual Baby Shower for Liz (Mom-101), Christina (A Mommy Story) and Tammie (Soul Gardening) - I immediately RSVP'd 'yes.' But then I started thinking about the finger-sandwich platter I wouldn't get to attack, and the rum-spiked punch I wouldn't be able to chug and then pass out from. And what about the chip and dip platter I wouldn't be able to stuff my face with while I pretended to be interested in the conversation taking place between the two ponytailed übermoms sipping their Coke Zeros nearby?

But then I realized that even though I wouldn't be able to overindulge on party food, I wouldn't have to down all those Tums when I got home either. Or have to eat pureed pees in that tortuous "Name That Food" game that was all the rage a few years ago. In fact, I could stay at home and eat whatever the hell I wanted. Why, I could even do it without having to put on any makeup, while wearing my pajamas and sitting on my butt in front of the computer.

What a brilliant idea. Only virtual showers from now on!

I'd been asked to do a post sharing the very best and very worst advice I'd gotten when I was pregnant. Being that my first pregnancy was eleven years ago, I'm having a hard time remembering any of the advice I got, but I can think of advice that I wish I'd gotten. Things that, if someone had told me back then would certainly have saved me alot of anguish, time and threats to Rigel that I was going to run off and have the baby in a hut in Belize. And here they are:

1. No one's going to give a rat's ass about the fabric pattern on the stroller.
Buying our first stroller was traumatic, and I'm pretty sure that the scientists at NASA didn't even put this much thought into their first space launch. We combed through Consumers Reports, visited five-thousand baby stores and stopped strangers on the street to ask them for stroller advice. When we finally decided on one and went to the store to buy it - the horror - they didn't have the exact fabric I wanted. Rigel had the nerve to suggest we buy what they had, but I insisted on getting the muted blue plaid, and who's going to argue with a pregnant woman who's the size of a barn?

And so we drove to another city, fifty miles away, to get our stroller. And wouldn't you know, not one damn person commented on the stunning fabric pattern. Commoners!

2. If friends ask if you need help, or would like a backrub, or should they bring anything over, your only answers should be, "Yes," "God, Yes," and "A Macho Taco combo from Chevy's."
I don't know about the rest of you, but I was always reluctant to accept help or favors, even when it was offered. I had family here to help and they were lifesavers, but sometimes friends can bring that extra something outside of the daily routine. My mom, my sister and sister-in-law were pretty tapped out helping me with diapers, feedings and nail clippings and probably would have kicked my ungrateful ass if I had asked them to run out and get me a tall-half-caf-percent-semi-dry-cappuccino and a brownie.

3. Really, spending five hours boiling nipples and sterilizing bottles is a bit much.
I distinctly remember the first time I used a baby bottle and the paranoid frenzy that preceded it. I believe I not only made sure my kitchen counter was spotless, but I vaguely recall insisting that the whole house and that of any neighbor's within a two-mile radius be scrubbed and disinfected with industrial bleach as well. I think I boiled those suckers for days, and then put on a hazmat suit to fill them with frozen breastmilk. But come to think of it, I believe it was the last time my kitchen was clean.

4. No one's going to give a rat's ass if the crib doesn't exactly match the nightstand.
See #1.

5. Babies don't need nightstands.
Need I say more.

Liz, Christine and Tammie - I'm wishing you the best as you get ready to welcome your new babies into the world. Enjoy it - and I'll check and see when I can send over that taco combo.

(Thanks to Catherine, Kristen, Julie and Nancy for putting this on. And for saving me a trip to Babies R Us.)

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