Tuesday, April 10, 2007

One Step Away From A Hairnet And A Housecoat.

I was talking to a friend last week and she started telling me how she had driven her kids to school that morning while still wearing her pajamas. I'm so envious of this - my girls are younger and I still have to park and walk them onto campus every morning. This means I need to at least pull on a decent pair of pants, although I can keep my pajama top on as long as I cover it with a jacket. I call this The Half Pajama Maneuver, and I admit that giving it a name isn't nearly as alarming as the fact that I'm incapable of putting on a decent set of clothes in the morning.

We started trading fashion tips, such as her trick of sometimes doing the Reverse Half Pajama Maneuver, meaning she keeps her bottoms on but puts on a nice top since she'll only be seen from the armpits-up while in her car. I told her about my miraculous Donna Karan sweats that do double-duty as both sleeping apparel and school-drop-off attire, which allows me to move efficiently from my bed straight to the drivers seat of my van and then - ta da! - back into bed. At least I don't have a name for this maneuver. Oh wait, I do - pathetic.

A few days later I had a conversation with another friend about birthday parties. Both of us have kids that are old enough to be dropped off at these events, but we were complaining about always being that one parent who is asked to stay and help with the party festivities. While other parents manage to make a clean getaway, happily skipping off to their spa appointments or afternoon matinees we find ourselves dishing out cake or lacing up skates on fourteen pairs of feet. She suggested maybe showing up looking slightly disheveled and mumbling about having left something in the oven, but I thought that approach was too subtle. Why not show up dressed entirely inappropriately - chances are no one is going to ask you to stay and organize the piƱata line when you're wearing a halter top and ass-less chaps.

As my kids get older I'm starting to see a pattern here, and it's not pretty. Gone are the days when I'd be happy to throw on a clean pair of capris and a t-shirt to take the girls to Gymboree, or pull on a decent outfit when I knew I'd be chatting with other parents at the birthday party at the bowling alley. Now I have entire conversations with other moms that center around strategies for making oneself appear as socially unacceptable as possible. At this rate it's almost guaranteed I'll be showing up at the girls' high school graduations in my bathrobe and a fanny pack stuffed with cans of Bud Lite.

My gig may be up, though, as I'm starting to embarrass the girls. The other morning I was walking them through the parking lot and Kira pulled at my sweatshirt that was peeking out from under my jacket.

"Omigod. Are you wearing your...pajamas?" she asked, sounding like she was truly afraid to hear the answer. Like how I remember sounding when I was asking my Dad if it was really necessary that he sit down and talk to my prom date before we left the house.

"Of course not. This is my sweatshirt," I corrected her as I yanked my jacket back down over it.

"But didn't you sleep in it?"

I had nothing to say to this. It's time to shape up, abandon my lazy ways and start getting dressed in the mornings in a decent, respectful manner and to start setting a good example for my children.

Or buy a longer jacket.

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Many humble thanks to lildb of I Obsess for nominating me for a ROFL Award for this post.

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33 comments:

  1. It's too late for me. I went to the supermarket last week (late at night, at least) wearing my pajamas hidden underneath my overcoat.

    When you're out of cat food, you go to desperate measures.

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  2. If you think they're embarassed now, wait until you break out the assless chaps and the Bud Lite rump rack.

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  3. Oh gosh, this is the funniest thing I've read in ages!!!!!

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  4. When I was still staying home I commonly dropped off my kids in pajamas. This made for quick get aways. A board member of the school, once flagged me over and I rolled down my window. He started yapping about something I didn't feel like talking about. I stopped him quick. "Gary, I can't concentrate on this conversation. I'm not wearing a bra. I'll catch you later."

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  5. I always threaten to sing High School Musical songs LOUDLY and really off key when challenged regarding my apparel by my daughter. Does the trick every time.

    I am envisioning a blue terry bathrobe with a fanny pack AND one of those beer hats. Now that's style.

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  6. You make me laugh...but...so what if the sweatshirt has two functions, a sleeping buddy and a shopping company?

    ;-)

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  7. I drive my kids to school in pajamas all of the time.

    Yesterday, I even dropped my baby off at the baby sitter in my pajamas........of course, I was working nights and was just going home to go to bed anyway.

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  8. Or, and this is just a suggestion, you can do what I did and get nicer pajamas.

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  9. I find it ODD, WEIRD and downright RUDE that another mother would ask you to stay and help out at her kids party!!!!

    Really, if she needs help, that is what the DADS are for, and what relatives or close friends are for. If she needed help she should have that set up already. You do not corner a parent to help!?

    As a matter of fact I always got pissed at the over-protective hovering mothers that would offer to stay during a party. I would be like, "You can go now...." LOL.

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  10. Thank you. I will treasure this advice and remember it for future use.

    Going out now to buy my assless chaps!

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  11. You have an idea there. assless chaps and birthday parties!

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  12. My problem is no other parent driving for playdates. My kids' classmates are really spread out and some kids are an hour round trip but I seem to be the only one that drives. Maybe I need to toss some empty liquor bottles around and borrow your fanny pack. And the assless chaps. Just because they sound like fun.

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  13. NorCal Sistah4/11/2007 9:48 AM

    I am pretty sure that your pajama wear is the height of current fashion because I see young girls in my neighborhood wearing their PJ's thoughout the day -- shopping at the mall, going to the market, and, of course, getting Starbucks Coffee. Of course, the downside is that you can't keep telling Kiyomi that she can't were her "day" clothes to bed which seems to be her current habit.

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  14. Half pajama maneuver, it sounds almost chic with a name. I want to get dressed in the morning but can't drag my lazy arse out of bed any earlier.

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  15. I, for some reason, have always hated getting dressed in respectable outfits. Casual Friday is the best thing that has ever happened in my work life. I relish weekends where I don't have to wear real pants or a bra.

    I've always been like this too... I remember when my mom would try (to no avail) to talk me out of wearing my pajamas to school on gym days. My rationale: why wear real clothes when I'm just going to change into gym clothes for first period? and why change after gym if I"m just going to go to track practice later?

    I will never understand the people who look all cute at the grocery store. Long live the sweatpants!

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  16. That whole business of being drafted to the Helper Parent sucks big donkey dick. (to, um, use the vernacular...wait, maybe you could just use that phrase a lot...then watch the demands on your time melt away).

    I sleep in track pants, which then translate well to daylight. Just a tip.

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  17. Too funny! Now I'm envisioning moms showing up in halters and ass-less chaps. Ewww... :)

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  18. The last time I drove the boys to school in my pyjamas, I was flagged down by the Principal.

    Lesson learned!

    ps. I get the whole birthday party stuff. What measures must we go to NOT to be the parent others ask for help? The assless chaps just may work . . .

    Carrie

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  19. Alright, since reading the comments on this post I am certain the goggle searchs for "assless chaps" are going to be up, WAY way up.

    I drove Trent to school once in my bathrobe with my nightgown underneath. We were way late for some reason. The crossing guard opened the door for Trent, took one look at me and said, "WELL, Good morning to you Mommy". I just mumbled something about the flu, muffins, and baby poop and drove away. I wanted to say, "Hey lady, be glad I wore my robe!". hahahaha.

    One time at preschool drop off another Mom, not me I swear, came in and dropped her kid off wearing a Victoria's Secret kind of nightie with a flimsy robe over the top. AND she had a huge hickey. She was the talk to of the preschool for MONTHS. I think she may even be a legend in this here parts by now.

    I do like the half pajama manuever. And to say Thank God my kids now ride the bus to school! I am still in my PJ's and nobody needs to know. shshhhhhh.

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  20. Assless chaps! hahahahaha. Hey, you probably could get away with that look AND the sleep/shirt if you had a longer jacket. Something to think about.

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  21. Not to give you anymore bad habits, but let me share MY secret weapon - house slippers that can go outside. I'll be damned if they aren't so beautiful I could probably wear them out to dinner.

    But that would be just sad.

    -annie

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  22. hee hee! just write an advice book & sell it to Oprah or something. ;P

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  23. I haven't started embarrassing my girls yet. Obviously one truly does not fulfill one's motherly duties until you can play the "I'll wear my PJs in public missy" card!

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  24. I am KNOWN for showing up in the winter, long coat overtop, pyjamas underneath.

    Lipstick on mind you because I am that kind of crazy. Goes great with smudgy mascara.

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  25. I have just been thinking about my grandma and her housecoats...I mean what a great plan, right? Give me another few years, I'll be right there with her!

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  26. Just tell the girls you sleep naked. That will get them off your case.

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  27. I wore my pajamas to the drug store once to pick up some cough syrup, and it was like a scene from a bad teen movie. I ran into (I'm not kidding) the guy I was madly in love with in college.

    I looked just lovely with my red nose and flannel outfit.

    Lesson learned.

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  28. ..."halter top and ass-less chaps." That made my three year old ask what was so funny...I said, "Assless chaps, Asher. assless chaps! She is hilarious."

    Parents still think I'm the older sister and not the momma. That's how I get out of things, playing the teen mom card. :)

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  29. since i eat, drink and sleep in sweatpants a variety of long t-shirts,my dilemma comes from wearing these "uniforms" several days in a row.

    i fool myself into thinking if i throw on a hat or different shoes, no one will notice that i wore the same wrinkled, stained outfit yesterday.

    i personally like my oblivious little world.

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  30. Oh wow. I do the same thing -- find yoga pants and t-s I can sleep in and then wake up drive a child to school, and purposefully avoid the coffee so I can come home and go back to bed! (On Tues and Thurs mornings.)

    Yes, I'm pretty sure I love you! heehee

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  31. Hell, I'm doing good if I can put on real shoes and not just wear my slippers.

    I vote for buying a longer coat.

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  32. you're so funny!
    my daughter recently started nursery school + i'd stay awhile for her to get comfortable + the teacher had my husband + me in for a chat + said maybe my husband should bring her + stay awhile, so it would be easier for my daughter to "separate" from me. my husband has a theory that the school doesn't want me there freaking the kids out + the other parents, because i only have one breast + i don't wear a falsy.

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  33. Assless chaps.

    You are hilarious.

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