One Step Away From A Hairnet And A Housecoat.

I was talking to a friend last week and she started telling me how she had driven her kids to school that morning while still wearing her pajamas. I'm so envious of this - my girls are younger and I still have to park and walk them onto campus every morning. This means I need to at least pull on a decent pair of pants, although I can keep my pajama top on as long as I cover it with a jacket. I call this The Half Pajama Maneuver, and I admit that giving it a name isn't nearly as alarming as the fact that I'm incapable of putting on a decent set of clothes in the morning.

We started trading fashion tips, such as her trick of sometimes doing the Reverse Half Pajama Maneuver, meaning she keeps her bottoms on but puts on a nice top since she'll only be seen from the armpits-up while in her car. I told her about my miraculous Donna Karan sweats that do double-duty as both sleeping apparel and school-drop-off attire, which allows me to move efficiently from my bed straight to the drivers seat of my van and then - ta da! - back into bed. At least I don't have a name for this maneuver. Oh wait, I do - pathetic.

A few days later I had a conversation with another friend about birthday parties. Both of us have kids that are old enough to be dropped off at these events, but we were complaining about always being that one parent who is asked to stay and help with the party festivities. While other parents manage to make a clean getaway, happily skipping off to their spa appointments or afternoon matinees we find ourselves dishing out cake or lacing up skates on fourteen pairs of feet. She suggested maybe showing up looking slightly disheveled and mumbling about having left something in the oven, but I thought that approach was too subtle. Why not show up dressed entirely inappropriately - chances are no one is going to ask you to stay and organize the piñata line when you're wearing a halter top and ass-less chaps.

As my kids get older I'm starting to see a pattern here, and it's not pretty. Gone are the days when I'd be happy to throw on a clean pair of capris and a t-shirt to take the girls to Gymboree, or pull on a decent outfit when I knew I'd be chatting with other parents at the birthday party at the bowling alley. Now I have entire conversations with other moms that center around strategies for making oneself appear as socially unacceptable as possible. At this rate it's almost guaranteed I'll be showing up at the girls' high school graduations in my bathrobe and a fanny pack stuffed with cans of Bud Lite.

My gig may be up, though, as I'm starting to embarrass the girls. The other morning I was walking them through the parking lot and Kira pulled at my sweatshirt that was peeking out from under my jacket.

"Omigod. Are you wearing your...pajamas?" she asked, sounding like she was truly afraid to hear the answer. Like how I remember sounding when I was asking my Dad if it was really necessary that he sit down and talk to my prom date before we left the house.

"Of course not. This is my sweatshirt," I corrected her as I yanked my jacket back down over it.

"But didn't you sleep in it?"

I had nothing to say to this. It's time to shape up, abandon my lazy ways and start getting dressed in the mornings in a decent, respectful manner and to start setting a good example for my children.

Or buy a longer jacket.

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tags: fashion strategies for the motivationally challenged

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Many humble thanks to lildb of I Obsess for nominating me for a ROFL Award for this post.

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