I'd Like To Thank The Academy.
I have a strange relationship with the Academy Awards. For one thing, I don't like to admit I like watching them so I spend the few weeks leading up to the big night pretending I don't know they exist. Someone may mention them in a conversation and I'll say, "Oh? The Oscars? Are those coming up?" hiding the fact that I just spent the entire previous evening coming up with my own special Red Carpet cocktail or searching the internet for special Oscar-shaped cookie molds. I feign ignorance about all the nominees, even though I've already picked my favorites and spent hours going through People magazine scrawling LOSER over all the pictures of their competitors.
When the actual day arrives, I'll pretend to be too busy cleaning to even notice, even though every TV in the house is tuned in to the Oscar pre-show, the Oscar pre-pre show, the live coverage on E! and the Pets At The Oscars segment on Access Hollywood. I'm secretly hoping that sometime in the near future someone comes up with the ultimate pre-pre-pre show, the one that shows all the stars just as they're rolling out of bed in the morning with their crusty eyes and mouths caked with drool.
When the coverage of the celebrities arriving on the red carpet begins my mood usually starts to turn sour. While I'm excited to see the various stars who show up, I don't like thinking about how their dress costs more than our mortgage or how for the cost of just one of their Fred Leighton earrings I could go to Target and buy ninety purses, sixty pairs of shoes and a double-pack of Swiffers. As the show progresses you can usually hear me yelling out things like, "Oh for chrissakes, it's not BRAIN SURGERY" or "Oh look, he just won an award for pretending to be a homicidal butler. Now all those poor saps working to find a cure for cancer have something to strive for." By the end of the show, after I've had a couple of glasses of wine I've pretty much decided that the entire Hollywood community is made up of a bunch of overpaid, overpampered whores and Rigel has to stop me from spraying the TV with toilet water. Can you imagine I haven't been invited to a single Oscar viewing party this year?
When it comes time to hand out the award for Best Foreign Film, pay close attention to Pan's Labyrinth. That's Kira (in a wig) on the poster. We're hoping someone will see this, marvel at the skillful and expressive way she is standing there in that coat and offer her a high-paid part in the next Brad Pitt movie. Because I could really use a new purse.
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tags: academy awards | oscars | babel should win if you ask me
Very funny. You are at your best in this one.
ReplyDeleteWhen I had a television, award shows were also my secret vice. Admitting it to other graduate students, though, was worse than saying, "I still let my mother dress me." Too plebian.
sweatpants, i have the exact same relationship to the oscars!! weird. glad to know i'm not the only one who believes that watching 7 hours of ryan seacrest or whomever in the pre-pre-pre-pre shows is an acceptable way to spend my time.
ReplyDeletekira's back looks amazing on the poster -- her back should get an agent. . .they have those right? back agents?
kidding aside -- she looks great and i think it's exciting that she's on a poster like that. she did a lovely job!
That's your kid in the picture? Very cool.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm the same way you are when it comes to the Oscars. I'm so excited I can barely feign boredom over the whole thing!
Pan's Labyrinth scared the bejeesus out of me. I was actually clinging with both hands to the arm next to me and hiding my eyes. I am now officially scared of your daughter. Just like I'm scared of the word "pan". And the word "labyrinth." And anything else associated with this movie.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE LOVE LOVE this movie. And now that I know Kira is on the poster I love it even more.
ReplyDeleteCan you send me some Oscar shaped cookies?
-annie
Oh my god I love this post! Oscar night was always sacred for me growing up, it was the only day out of the year my mom allowed us to eat in front of the TV, which for some reason made the whole night totally magical. I like to carry on that tradition, of course!
ReplyDeleteI'm actually stressin' this year because I've been invited to an Oscar viewing party and I don't think anyone there is going to display the reverence that Oscar night so obviously warrants (they're all "too cool for school" production people, of course!!!). I'm going to do my best not to shush people... or yell at them, "NO TALKING, people! Don't you know that is the PRESIDENT of the Academy!!!!"
Also: Pan's Labyrinth was one of my FAVORITE movies this year - that is so cool that Kira modeled for the poster!!! :)
I'm jealous. If I even try to watch the Oscars, my dh sits there in a huff. It's not fair!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I forgot the awards are on this Sunday. Thanks for the reminder. Time to get out my faux red carpet and fake jewels.
ReplyDeleteKira makes it look effortless. And the wig- so natural!
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the festivities. I may be going to an Oscar Party, which means I will be the only one there without a CLUE as to what movies were out last year.
I'm just going to nod and smile alot.
I watch it and tell everyone! I grew up with this and having worked in the business, it's part of my genes. Sometimes it gets lame with the dresses and crap but I still get sucked into watching the preshow sometimes. My dream is to go to the Oscars and maybe win one someday.
ReplyDeleteMrs. Mogul
http://mrsmogul.blogspot.com
That last comment was mine :)
ReplyDeleteOMG, I am such an awards show junkie! The Golden Globes happened to fall on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and between commercials, I would head over to PBS to watch a documentary about King's life. MY husband was sitting next to me, and was like, "Do you have to watch the fucking awards show? Let's watch something about someone who actually made a difference in the world." And I felt so incredibly guilty.
ReplyDeleteBut then I sneaked into the kitchen to watch it in there, while pretending to empty the dishwasher.
(I'm terrible...)
I have the same love/hate relationship with the awards. I watch the whole thing but then hate myself in the morning.
ReplyDeleteI love the poster. Cute wig.
ReplyDeleteI always tune in for about the second half. My eyes start to dry out if I watch the whole thing. I have sat through the whole program at Oscar parties, though, b/c then I can chat and eat and drink during all the boring awards and the commercials.
I have this love/hate thing too. The wife and I work in the industry and the whole thing is a dog and pony show with only the popular kids winning because the studio sent out a really cool bribe, uh gift box (we have a few).
ReplyDeleteBut we watch religiously...
No need to feel ashamed about loving the Academy Awards. Though I hate all other award shows, I'm an Oscar junkie myself. I used to go to these extravagant parties at the Museum of Modern Art to watch them. But like the Super Bowl, I soon realized that I much preferred watching them by myself at home with the wife. That way, it's much less embarassing when I find myself screaming at the television!
ReplyDeleteToo cool that Kira is on the Pan's Labryinth poster. One of our favorites this year.
It is slightly different in the UK. First, of course we have our own awards: the BAFTAs. We tend to hand them out to stars whom we are confident will not get an oscar so that they have some motivation to turn up to receive it rather than sending an "I'm too busy digesting my sushi to fly to London, Germanty or wherever you are" speech from beside their pool.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, for us the Oscars are all about how many Brits will win one. Every year we get a clutch of nominations and gossip magazines go long on "The British Are Coming" headlines. Every year we are greeted the next morning by a grumpy looking BBC newsreader telling us we have been snubbed again.
If you didn't have such a big military I'm sure we would have sailed in and burnt down the White House again.
Did you happen to catch Bill Maher's last show? He featured that poster in one of is little monologues. It was under graphic design and he compared the tree's silhouette to a diagram of a woman's reproductive system. Perhaps not the most flatering shout-out to your husband, but a shout-out on hbo nonetheless. I think the poster is lovely, as was the movie.
ReplyDeleteKira's on another movie poster? How cool is that?
ReplyDelete"Rigel has to stop me from spraying the TV with toilet water. Can you imagine I haven't been invited to a single Oscar viewing party this year?"
ReplyDeleteThat's funny, because last year you were at our house for the Oscars.... I don't remember the toilet water on the TV?
How about next year. You guys come over and we shoot rubber suction-cup darts at the TV for the OSCARS?
My God, woman. You are funny.
ReplyDeleteThe oscars hold little appeal for me since I have never seen any of the movies nominated. I'm usually six months behind the times.
I have no problem admitting I love the Oscars. Actually, I love all the awards shows. To me, it's our version of royalty. They're never as smart and funny as their characters, but they're a bit more real. Just a bit. Because they are actors, after all. They're always "on."
ReplyDeleteMost of us have awkward-smiled school portraits adorning our walls. You get to have movie posters! Freakin' awesome.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I love your tags. Although mine would have said Little Miss Sunshine.... but only because I haven't seen Babel.
The way you feel about how much everything costs is the way I get when I wacth the House Wives of orange County lately.... I think it gets to me even more because I don;t live very far form it... I hear ya!
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
Tell Kira she did a wonderful job, and she deserves an Oscar!
ReplyDeleteCarrie
Yeah me too. I love/hate the Academy Awards, but have my acceptance speech ready to go just in case, you know, they start handing out Oscars for Best Bon-Bon eating because for no particular reason I really really really want the statue.
ReplyDeleteYour family is so freaking talented.