Monday, June 06, 2005

Here's the story
Of a cranky lady...

There is this joke that I hear often, and by often I mean at least two or three times a day. I hear it from different people, but it usually happens when the baristas, or Distillers Of Life-Sustaining Sacrament, as I like to call them, at Starbucks ask for my name to write on my cup. (You know, so they don't accidentally give my double-tall-half-caf-percent-cap to the single-vente-skinny-mocha-with-whip chick, cause that would be catastrophic.) When I tell them my name, they get all clever and say, "Marsha Marsha Marsha." GET IT? Like in the BRADY BUNCH? Isn't that JUST SO DAMN FUNNY? I mean, isn't that freakin HYSTERICAL? Exactly.

When you've heard the same lame joke for years it starts to get tiring. Usually I just say something like, "That's SO original, and only the five gazillionth time I've heard it...TODAY." It's hard for them to answer since it's almost impossible to talk when I'm pulling their liver up through their throat, but they manage to eek out an apologetic, "Uh, I guess you hear that alot, huh." Lately, though, it's really starting to get on my nerves, so I've come up with a few witty comebacks for the next time some moron decides to subject me to their putrified brain spittle:

"Dickhead Dickhead Dickhead. No, it's not from a movie."

"I see you needed to repeat my name three times. Your medication must not be working."

(As said to the PTA District Council President Who Thinks She's The Queen, who uses the piece of Brady Bunch comic genius every single time she calls me and then actually laughs at her own cleverness:)
"I'm going to put that joke in my box labeled 'Old, Tired Things That I'm Sick Of.' Oh, look. There's some room left for you."

"I'm going to kick your ass."

Any other suggestions would be welcomed.

Archive File: Cranky

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  1. NorCal Sistah6/07/2005 9:23 AM

    Why don't you just give them another name. That's what I do. Something nice and simple so they can spell it and say it. Makes life so much easier.

  2. No KIDDING you ARE kranky!!!!- get over yourself already - I mean r u fer reel!!

    You know there are children in Africa who would give their right arm and a horribly stubbed and calloused big toe to have a cute American name like MARSHA!

    And if they had been blessed with that easy to pronounce and spell famous American TV name they would most certainly cherish being carried around through the muddy dung filled village streets on the shoulders of the most absolutely cutee-est most promising Teenage Ninja warrior lion hunters (oops!! mixing cultural stereotypes again, my bad!) All the while village children would follow in a mad closing rush chanting in a cascading hypnotic rhythm... Marsha Marsha Marsha... - until way past their bedtimes and the last traces of golden light flitter away in the evening sky.

    BUT NoooOOOOOO!!!

    Instead of being thankful that your name was not Kilbassa Yahwatzittooya -- you go ahead and berate poor innocent PTA moms who really only desire to impress upon someone, anyone that they DO have an attractive, beguiling, interesting off beat sense of humor and therefore they are worthy of even the teeny tiniest of P.C. giggles (even though their filandering husbands don't find them funny anymore).

    And you!! You turn on that innocence thrashing and snarling.

    I ask you... what would Marsha do?

    To all you Marsha's all over these United States of America... shame on you!! - all of you!!

    Gawd, I need a real life.

    Toodles Marsh,

    Greg B.

  3. I think Anonymous Greg B is REALLY Anonymous
    Brad Pitt in disguise. And Kilbassa is a fine name.
    Kilbassa, Kilbassa, Kilbassa. You just have to say it three times.
    As for you Marsha, you're over 40 and deserving of
    an exotic, mysterious name, go ahead, pick a new
    one, well at least when you're in Starbucks.
    It'll be a little game to entertain yourself. Everyday
    you can be someone different. Go ahead and order that Venti Mocha Fraputhingy with extra whipped cream and two extra long straws. Just remember what name you've given. When the girls are with you, let them pick a name or two. Try giving them a full name, with a hypen, and insist they write your entire name. Hey! Try calling yourself
    Uma or Charlize, give the customers a thrill, until
    they see you and think to themselves, "wow, she doesn't look like her name would be Uma"

    Have some fun. But you can bet I'll never call your name more than twice. Love you! Mag

  4. This is a long overdue comment but bear with me, I just discovered this blog (thank who?, that's who) and am reading the archives in one sitting. Anyway, my name is Masha and I actually spent 5 years growing up in the US and I got that line A LOT. Best (worst?) part is I never even saw the Brady Bunch. Much ado about nothing to end on saying that I feel for you. Really.


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