Friday, May 19, 2006

Can You See Where This Is Headed?

Me (after explaining to the girls what divorce is.): So, that's why Maddie is living with her dad only on the weekends.

Kira: Are you and daddy ever going to get a divorce?

Me: Absolutely not.

Kira: Whew.

Me: Well, maybe now you won't get so grossed out when you see us kiss.

Kira: I don't mind kissing. Just don't make out in front of us.

Me: We have never made out in front of you.

Kiyomi: What's making out? Is that tongue kissing? What is tongue kissing anyway? Do you really kiss someone's tongue? IS THAT LIKE SEX?

__________________________________________________


Kira: That woman's face looked weird.

Me: Well, it looks like she had some plastic surgery done.

Kiyomi: What's plastic surgery?

(Insert long-winded explanation here about plastic surgery, and the difference between it and regular surgery, and how no, Britney Spears was not born that way.)

Kira: Have you ever had regular surgery?

Me: Yes, in fact, I had surgery when both of you were born. It's called a cesarean section and it's --

Kiyomi: Omigod! You had surgery when we were born? Where did they cut you open? Did it hurt? Could you feel anything? EXACTLY HOW DID WE GET IN THERE AGAIN?

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64 comments:

  1. What??? Britney wasn't born that way? Why am I always the last to know everything?

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  2. LMAO I love your kids. Explaining the c-section is almost as bad as the sex talk. Almost. I had three btw. Good times.

    Have a wonderful weekend!

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  3. You're making me really glad that my girls are still too little to bring any of this up, although my almost 4-year-old girl has started with the typical barrage of questions lately (but mostly about mundane things.) Help.

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  4. are't kids just too funny?!
    you're excepts from everyday life are just great!
    ~j

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  5. thanks for giving me a glimpse of what's to come....the questions of "why are we stopping? whatcha doing mom? where are we going? what are you thinking?...." have started... i can barely answer these....

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  6. Good luck with "the talk", SPM. I can't imagine how funny that's going to be. So make sure to blog about it, please!

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  7. Teehee. I'm not laughing at your pain here - just love the "is that like sex"

    YES IT IS - and NEVER DO IT. :)

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  8. I am sweating just thinking about having to answer questions like that someday! :)

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  9. "yes, dear child. they tore me asunder, and ripped you from my womb. this is what happens when you make out with tongues. be warned."

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  10. Oh boy......not lookin forward to THAT conversation....

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  11. *laughing at gingajoy's comment*
    sheesh...
    good luck. I get to pass the boy off to Daddy when that time comes, though I'm not sure I want to.
    Really, good luck.

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  12. Maybe you can tie those all together to make it easier on yourself:

    "Britney had plastic surgery... and then she met K-Fed... and there was lots of french kissing... then she had a c-section... and two babies later they got divorced."

    Better parenting through Britney Spears' misery.

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  13. yeah....good luck with that.

    Signed,

    The girl who got a PT even tho she was still a virgin.

    (don't ask)

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  14. Wow, Christina had three C-sections? Can't they just install a zipper at some point, to save you the trouble of cutting over and over again?

    gingajoy's comment was hilarious!

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  15. Velcro would be even quicker...

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  16. Oh my. Sounds like it's only a matter of time until you'll have to have "the talk". :)

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  17. my daughter is 3 and has started asking crazy questions. i can't imagine what she'll ask as she gets older! LOL

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  18. I've had the talk with both of mine and it never really went how I thought it might. My son didn't even want to hear me say the word "deodorant" so, vagina and stuff, was way too much. I finally had to take him for a drive so that he was trapped in the van and forced to listen to it all. With my daughter, its all too gross to imagine. I guess I'll have to take her for the can ride too. Mostly though, it comes in bits and pieces and then after a few years, you do a review.

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  19. that reminds me...i should go take my pill :)

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  20. If you really want to scare your daughters into never having plastic surgery, show them pictures of Priscilla Presley or Farrah Fawcett. I mean, seriously!

    I don't know about having "the talk", but my 9 year old son changes the baby's diaper sometimes, so I had to explain to him that he needs to wipe her from the top down so poop doesn't get in her vagina. I refuse to call it anything else!

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  21. Too funny!

    My 9 year old came home last week all a-twitter because a boy in his class said that he (the boy) wanted to have sex with this particular little girl...

    My son said to me, "I don't really know what this is all about but it doesn't sound right to me!"

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  22. Yeah, three c-sections. But no, I repeat, NO labor. I figured the scar wasn't going away with one, two or three, so why not? No regrets. I have two healthy daughters so that's all that matters. Living through the stillborn hurt more than any of the cuts.

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  23. My 10 yr. old son has already asked, and been (somewhat) educated on 'the birds and the bees'. My 5 yr. old son is still getting a kick out of saying 'penis' out loud and pulling down his pants at school. I have a feeling he and I in for a more 'serious' talk soon.

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  24. Two years ago my (then 9) son was getting stitches and the doctor told him that a lot of people get stitches even your mom has had stitches. On the way home he wanted all the details about me getting stitches... Thanks Doc!

    Great post BTW.

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  25. Oooh, so not looking forward to those talks. The Girl is four and a half, so hopefully I have a while.

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  26. EWWWW tounge kissing. Too funny.

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  27. "Do you really kiss someone's tongue?" *Giggle* I love the way kids' minds work! Although they must think being grown up is really weird, what with all the tongue kissing and surgery.

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  28. You handled that so well. I think I would have been tripping over my words.

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  29. Haha! I'm beginning to see that with kids the fine line between not enough and too much information is practically invisible.

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  30. Those are the fun mommy moments, aren't there?

    Julia asked me the other day if I had a penis. Oh god...

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  31. "Deal! We won't 'make-out' in front of you if you stop knocking and shaking our handle when our bedroom door is locked."

    According to my near 4-yr old daughter, our new addition will come flying out of my mouth on Tuesday morning during my scheduled induction. I will be SO embarrassed if I gag or choke ... wait ... different topic.

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  32. After explaining the cesarean section to Girlie, she has steadfastly resolved to adopt a six year old rather than risk a similar adventure.

    She doesn't buy the "it was worth it" line.

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  33. "EXACTLY HOW DID WE GET IN THERE AGAIN?"

    I love it.

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  34. I use "I'll tell you when you're older" and "I don't know," a lot. Of course I can't really get a way with that anymore. Luckily the particulars are taught in school -- starting in fifth grade!!

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  35. Someone told me that my Dad pee'd in my Mom and that's how she got pregnant. So, when I found out my cousins were adopted and they said, "NO...they didn't come from Mommy's belly!" I was like, "What? Didn't your Dad pee in your Mom? Where'd he pee?"

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  36. I have to say, one of the reasons I'm glad to have boys is the sex thing. I only have to control two p*n*s's. With girls you have to watch every one that walks near them! :)

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  37. One of my sons told me the other day that "making out" was lying next to eachother and kissing. Sigh, I guess the "talk" is coming soon, I am soooo not ready.

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  38. Both girls are now lying wide awake at night thinking of their mother - tongue kissing and being sliced open.

    The wait for sex until married talk went beautifully

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  39. Oh, that was funny. My boys {5&8} know that a baby comes from a egg. But they think it's like a chicken egg. And then they think that they hatched out in my stomach and came out through my belly button. :) I haven't had the heart to correct them. They sorta have the main ideas right, I did have c-sections with both, so I guess we'll fill in accurate details later on.
    this was a FUNNY post BTW. I do think those girls are adequetely scared, GOOD JOB! :) :)

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  40. I love how worked up they get over it. And Gingajoy, your comment made me cry it was so funny!

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  41. The answer to a simple question is always complicated when the receiver of the information is a kid.

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  42. You deserve some award for finessing those questions. Or maybe it's the kids who deserve the award, for sticking you with the questions in the first place and having even faster answers themselves.

    IM-pressive.

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  43. Your girls are too cute. I love the questions they ask. And it's great that they are so open with you, and you with them.

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  44. They still think kissing is gross. You've got them right where you want them.

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  45. My toddler makes her mommy and daddy from her doll house kiss all the time. Sometimes they make out a little.

    Also, she'll sit the mommy in the big cushy doll chair and put the baby on her lap and then bring the daddy in through the door and walk him over to the mommy, lean him down to kiss her and say, "Hi honey, tough day?"

    It's a hybrid of terrible and really, really wonderful.

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  46. Oy, good luck with all this. Let me know how you handle it; I only have about 9 years left to practice!

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  47. I had a c too and I almost don't count it as surgery since I've had so many surgeries for fibroids. but I can't wait to show my daughter my scar now!!

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  48. Its been too many years to count, but I do remember all those delicate answers I had to creatively edit for my VERY precocious children. With only 14 months between them, they were a mob and used to confer, plot and scheme together every day. The questions, I now believe, were really only tests for me. They knew the answeres already, just wanted to see what a nurd-Mom I was and how elaborate my answers would be. CHEAKY DEVILS!

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  49. My mother, the efficient nurse, answered all our questions as soon as we asked them. Which means we learned about "intercourse" when I was about five. And she always called parts by their medical name. The nice thing about this is that if, say, your tiny daughter in the bathroom shouts for you to come wipe her labia, no one knows what she's talking about.

    Best of luck to you.

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  50. Oy! I've practiced in my head a million times as to how I will broach that topic.

    As for now the only thing I say is "You can't have babies and be a daddy until you are finished with a master's degree and at least 30 and are married to a nice person."

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  51. LMAO! That's just too funny! I love kids. Bless their hearts!
    Hugs!

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  52. rofl...So? How DID they get in there???

    C'mon mom! Tell us!

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  53. This is awesome when it's someone elses kid but it's becoming slightly less hysterical as I realize that my own daughter will be asking me these questions soon..
    (shudder)

    ~Jenny
    http://blogs.chron.com/mamadrama/

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  54. Curious minds want to know.

    Good luck with that.

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  55. And at this moment my own mother would have ran to the local library and put a book on my pillow leaving me to read all about the birds and the bees.

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  56. OK, those are both priceless.

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  57. our most recent dinner table conversation?

    "Is there any ketchup...Mom, what's a hermaphrodite?"

    With a six, a ten and a twelve year old at the table, at Daphne's Greek Cafe mind you, I am sure you can image the fun that ensued...and the sideways glances from other tables where the conversations were of the more pedestrian "delicious dipping sauce, no?" variety.

    Aaaah, the joys. In all honesty, as crazy as it may seem, those are the family moments I cherish most.

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  58. You know... I'd be perfectly happy if my kids never learned any words besides "juice" and "cookie." I'm just not ready for conversations concerning S-E-X, divorce, or plastic surgery.

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  59. I have avoided this subject like I avoid bikinis and deep conversation with ultra-conservatives. Now I'm thinking of taking after Carrcakes' mom and checking out what the library has to offer on the topic.

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  60. ROFL!! Adorable curious kids!

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  61. HAH that's really funny!

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  62. LOL! It's called opening a ginormous can of worms.

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  63. ROFL. Kids gotta love them.

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