Thursday, April 10, 2014

Hospitals Report Rise in Gut-Punch Injuries As Financial Aid Letters Arrive

Los Angeles, CA – Hospitals are reporting a rise in the number of patients, specifically parents of college-bound children, being admitted after complaining of pain in the abdomen area after receiving letters informing them of their financial aid status.

“It feels like some guy sitting behind a desk in the financial aid office just punched me in the gut,” said Brad Toller, after finding out he would be receiving a measly $5000 from his son’s Ivy League dream school. “It starts with a dull ache when you open the letter, and then all of a sudden you’re writhing in pain begging your kid to go to community college.”

Children are being traumatized as well, as they watch their parents deteriorate before their very eyes. “Dude, first my dad started cussing like crazy, and then my mom drank an entire bottle of wine,” said Mandy Taylor, a 17-year-old high school senior who was with her parents when they opened her financial aid packet from the prestigious Ojai Fine Arts Institute. “Next thing I know they’re both on the floor. I freaked and called my BFF Heather and her parents were sick, too! So, like, then we had an Uber take us all to urgent care.”

“It was horrible watching my parents go through that,” said Mandy, who was only awarded $1500 towards her $55,000 yearly tuition in Experimental Paper Maché studies. But the teen says the worst part of the hospital visit was talking to 30-year-old hot resident Todd Majors, who told her he was still paying off $150,000 in student loan debt and was reduced to living above his parents garage and buying his clothes at Ross. “That’s when it really became serious for me,” Mandy said solemnly. “I hurled all over my iPad.”

Doctors at East Hollywood Memorial Hospital say they are treating their patients with a combination of Xanax and a list of famous people who didn’t go to expensive colleges but turned out just fine. “Once they see that Oprah and Steven Spielberg seem to be doing reasonably well without having gone to an Ivy League school, they appear to have a significant reduction in their symptoms,” says Dr. Tom Rettig.

Along with their gut-punch cases, doctors at Hollywood Memorial Hospital are reporting seeing parents with other serious injuries related to the financial aid situation, mainly those complaining about losing an arm and a leg to their children’s intended colleges.

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2 comments:

  1. Bwahaha! Oh, it hurts to laugh.

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