Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I wouldn't know a celebrity if they moved in next door to me

This was originally posted on the LA Moms Blog which will be closing later this month. I'll be republishing my posts from the site over the next few weeks.

Almost thirteen years ago, right after I had my first baby we were living in the Hollywood Hills. Like most new mothers, I spent a freakish amount of time pushing my newborn daughter in her stroller around the neighborhood, partly to let her get some fresh air but mostly to pull myself away from endless hours spent on the couch crying and watching Roseanne reruns. 

A couple of times on those walks I ran into a neighbor, David, who had recently moved into a house around the corner from us.  He mentioned that he was an actor but I didn’t give it much thought until one day when my nieces, who were tweens then, were at my house watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer and while changing a diaper I happened to glance up at the TV and saw my neighbor on the screen.  “Hey, that guy lives two houses away,” I pointed out, gesturing towards the TV with a poop-smeared wipe in my hand.  Obviously I had never watched the show and had no idea who this Angel character was, but judging by the ear-piercing, alien-sounding squeals coming from my nieces this David Boreanaz guy was a big deal.

That wasn’t the first, or the last time I didn’t recognize a celebrity.  You see, I’m celebrity-blind.  While most people imagine they see George Clooney in every gas station and Thai restaurant in town, I wouldn’t recognize a celebrity if he was living next door to me.

I once stood for fifteen minutes in front of an outdoor table at the Grove waiting for my husband, and had no idea my ass was blocking the view of Heidi Klum and her husband Seal.  I didn’t realize I was sitting next to Teri Hatcher during breakfast at a local deli until my friend pointed her out, and on another occasion waited for ten minutes for the valet at that same deli while standing next to Danny DeVito. (Who on earth could not recognize Danny DeVito?) Then there was the time, despite being a huge Friends fan, I sat across from Lisa Kudrow in my ob/gyn’s office and I thought she was just another pregnant woman hoarding all the good magazines.  My husband recognized her, though, and he didn't even watch the show -  although he did manage to come up with some crude, but clever jokes involving a specimen mix-up being turned into valuable celebrity memorabilia

It’s a definite handicap, living in the land of the famous and not being able to recognize the celebrities among us.  It renders me useless to out of town visitors who are eager for a glimpse of their favorite actors or actresses – according to me no famous person has been spotted in Los Angeles, ever.  Who knows how many times I may have shared an elevator with Hugh Jackman and didn’t know it?  Sure it saved him from a rabid fan, but I may never get to show him my ‘love dance’ and give him that crumpled, tear-stained letter I’ve been carrying in my pocket for the past six months. 

Last summer I took my two daughters ice skating at a local rink, and as we were leaving a guy entering with his son held the door open for us. He looked vaguely familiar to me, but I couldn’t place his face. Just as I thought I had figured out who it was, my sister in law leaned over and whispered to me, “Don’t look, but that was the dude from Bones.”  Sure enough, it was my old neighbor David Boreanaz, and while I have to admit I was hurt when there wasn’t even the slightest glimmer of recognition in his eyes, I guess I can’t blame him – I thought he was my dentist.

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  1. I never recognize famous people either. Especially famous white women. I just put them in 2 categories - blonde hair or brown hair. Other than that they're all kind of tall & skinny with long hair.

  2. God I laughed so hard reading this... you are so much like me in the way you write! I however, would have a apoplectic fit if I ever stumbed across David B.. he's my dream toy boy.. I live in Adelaide, no REAL celebrities here, although I often see the local news guy, the weather bird, and other telly people about the place... it doesnt faze me, they are just out and about doing mundane things like me.. paying bills, grocery shopping, buying nasal decongestant at the chemist.. they are after all people with stuffy noses, just like me. Anyway, I'm going to make sure I follow your blog.. I think I'm going to like it...

  3. That's really funny! I can't imagine living out there and seeing celebrities in person all the time. The only celebrity I've ever seen in person was the actress from the old show Crossing Jordan, and it was in Rome. I LOVED that show but couldn't remember her real name so I didn't want to go up to her to get her autograph. I just stared and freaked out and then we left the Parthenon to go see something else old and amazing.

  4. If Boreanaz was my dentist, I'd never stop making appointments.


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